By Jacob Young

In reflecting on the state of my soul lately, I can't remember one single day in the last year where I wasn't tempted to, battle with, or succumbed to spiritual depression. By spiritual depression I simply mean that black, hopeless cloud of a downward spiral into a meaningless, ambivalent, despair, fueled mostly by doubt and (for me) anger. It's not precisely happy land, but a land nonetheless. Of course circumstances don't particularly matter, this is one of those things that comes about for various randomly prompted reasons. However, in a recent trial Michelle and I have been facing, I've seen the temptation arrive at my door step.

With this, I have once again picked up the letters of a good (dead) friend of mine, Samuel Rutherford. His spiritual experience of God is nothing short of staggering. I'm particularly fond of reading his letters, not so much because he's a dead Puritan, but because his experience and expressions of Christ help clear the fog for me and set a vision of what I want for my own life with Christ. In a letter I read last night, he spoke to the subject of spiritual depression with the following remark to a friend:

Now, my dear brother, I cannot show you how matters go betwixt Christ and me. I find my Lord going and coming seven times a day. His visits are short; but they are both frequent and sweet. I dare not for my life think of a challenge of my Lord. I hear ill tales, and hard reports of Christ, from The Tempter and my flesh; but love believeth no evil. I may swear that they are liars, and that [such] apprehensions make lies of Christ's honest and unalterable love to me. ~ Samuel Rutherford, Letters #92, 195.

What he says is astonishing: The war of liars of "false lies" from Satan and his own flesh is fought by the declaring the true and unalterable love of Christ for him, which he experiences regularly. The Gospel says "Yes!" to our sin and it's just punishment in Hell, but quickly follows up with the open arms and extension of Jesus Christ's love for us in the mercy of his work on the cross. In my spiritual depression, there is a fog light of love to be seen in Christ. As Rutherford states, Christ's love for me is "honest and unalterable." More over, I long to experience Christ's presence and love regularly through the day. How does one aim at this? By warding off Satan and the flesh's regular attacks of condemnation with the Gospel. Jesus Christ died to save lost and hopeless people, one of the great truths to be seen here is that God initiates salvation to bring me near. He runs to save, he runs to love, not because of me, not because of what I add to him, but because he chooses to. God comes near in the Gospel not once, but now regularly. Regular visits of Christ in love for the enjoyment of my soul.

As the Psalmist says:

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God. ~ Psalm 43:5

By Jacob Young

I wrote this as a kind of journal entry a few months ago. While this was an intense but relatively short-lived trial, it produced some great fruit in my otherwise comfortable life. Maybe you can relate.

I had my second kidney stone come upon me today. The little guy is just 3mm big – and I’m still waiting for him to make his final appearance. The day went as follows: I went to the doctor in the morning because my pain and discomfort were getting worse; they confirmed it was a kidney stone; I went to another place for a Cat Scan to see where it was; went to work for a bit; came home because the pain was really bad; the pain got worse over the next two hours; I threw up because the pain was so bad; we went to the emergency room upon the guidance of my doctor; got an I-V of stronger pain medication; reflected on God’s goodness with Michelle in the ER room; and eventually came home with new medicine and feeling a lot better.

Anyhow, so below are a few thoughts upon this occasion: 

1. God has been so good to give me these kidney stones. They’re painful no doubt. Through it, I’ve seen so many vast caverns of grace he has put in my life. I’ve seen his glory radiating in my heart and life – and my wife’s as well in ways that are only particularly seen when the heat of pain is intensified.

2. Through the pain, I found my life being more conformed around God than I had expected. Though it was extremely painful, I found myself praying God’s truths to him, praying his Scripture to him, praying his character to him. However, it wasn’t like I was suddenly filled with joy at that moment. But I was preaching a universe-changing message to myself in a moment of dire pain – I was preaching the Gospel. I was thankful to be able to remember some Scripture that I could speak to myself – it’s an encouragement to memorize more Scripture, but also an encouragement that even the most random Scriptures can breath life to a weary soul (for example, I was reciting the first few lines of Ps. 36 to myself – not exactly a “hey, you’ll get better” text!). There is a power in God’s word and truth to always be working. It seems to me that even having a mind focused on God is not something for me to be praised for, but rather God, who’s given me that gift in this situation. I wouldn’t want to look at God when my body’s being destroyed, but God’s Spirit, who moves within me to look at Jesus, does.

3. God was good to prevent this stone from coming earlier. I had my first kidney stone two weeks ago to the day, just two days before we were about to leave on (essentially) two weeks of vacation. Thankfully it passed the morning we were leaving, and while I had a few bouts with the second during those two weeks, it never was debilitating. I remember feeling the second one coming on about half way through the trip when we’d come home for a couple days before our second leg of the vacation. Kidney stones feel a certain way, so it’s not just like a lower back pain. So upon feeling this, I bent down, and I quietly asked my Father to take it away. I felt his nearness, and went to bed knowing that he’d heard me either way. Obviously he didn’t take it away, but he did push it aside until the best time for me. What a great Father.

4. I look with a deeper affection on Jesus Christ with an anticipation of when these bodies will be glorified. As the pain increased, and in reflection, my knowledge and understanding that this body is decaying, that it is not perfect to sustain God’s work in me grows. That, in fact, in my weakness his strength is revealed. How often to I actually glory in my weakness? Folks, I’m a prideful man, so I like being strong. But I’m seeing how my weakness actually is God’s preferred instrument to display his might – and this doesn’t mean that I’m then given a Porsche body this side of heaven. This body is under a curse as with the rest of creation, but where as this is true from Romans 8:19-23, it is also true from the end of Romans that nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus Christ for us (v. 35), and that all things work for our good (v.28). And what is this good?

5. It also gave me a taste for what Christ saved me from: Hell and God’s wrath. The pain was bad, but not to damnation – however, I caught a faint glimpse of the horrors of Hell, the screams of torment, the anguish of body that only faintly can reflect the wrath of God pressing in on a soul.

I pray that God fixes all these things on my mind to remember, to press on with, and to love him and his Gospel more through. I love God more now – I find myself loving the things of the world less. Oh God, write your Law on my heart through these small but intense trials that I might walk in your statues more closely to honor your name, to walk in the fruits of holiness that Christ bought me fore, that I might enjoy you more, and find Christ more and more satisfying!

By Jacob Young

 

How kidney stones form…Jacob-Young-style:  eat a healthy diet. That’s right, my healthy diet is causing my kidney stones.  Here’s how it works.

 

The Recipe for Kidney Stones

 

Eat foods high in oxalate: Many foods that we know as healthy are high in oxalate.  This is fine for most people…not me.

 

Consume too little calcium: Calcium keeps oxalate in a non-solid state.  Most people get sufficient calcium to keep oxalate from being solid.  But I am deathly allergic to milk, so my calcium intake is seriously low.

 

The final equation:  High Oxalate + Low Calcium = Kidney Stones!

 

The Plan 

 

Eat a healthy diet…one that is low in oxalate.  Which means the elimination of most of what I currently eat: spinach, soy (a common replacement for milk products), tea.  And the inclusion of things I hate…like water! 

 

Best I can figure, in the newness of the news, the plan stinks.  While I enjoyed the lessons of the first development on the kidney stones (last week’s post), I have not enjoyed this one.  But God’s providence is still all over this and it’s clear that He’s still teaching me.

 

The Wisdom of God’s Providence

 

He’s adjusting my thinking:  This event has shown that I care more about my present comfort and my determination to do little to make it change. I have been thinking with unspiritual, unredeemed tools. Redeemed mental tools look to the return of Christ, they are eschatological in their view.

 

He’s adjusting my trust:  To be honest, I just don’t like God’s plan this time. And I don’t like that God hasn’t consulted me about me. Ultimately, I don’t like it that I’m not God. But a quote from Samuel Rutherford has stuck out to me recently. He says, “The wicked may hold the bitter cup to your head, but God mixeth it, and there is no poison in it” (Letters of Samuel Rutherford, Letter XII, 54). This whole ordeal is a cup straight from the hand of my Lord Jesus. Should I refuse this lesser cup when he’s already given me his cup of salvation, and the promise of that final cup of glory?

 

My weakness has been revealed through this simple process. Thankfully, I have a strong Savior.

By Jacob Young

 

No, it’s not the school yard bully who beat me up today…it was a 3mm kidney stone.  And boy, it whooped me.  It took me to the doctor’s office, the ER, and my home but not before taking me through various pain medications that requires an IV.  Like I said, that 3mm bully whooped me good.

 

As I look back, though, there were some lessons that God taught me that you might find helpful, too.  So, here are a few thoughts on my experience:

 

1. There’s Grace in Kidney Stones: God has been so good to give me these kidney stones. No doubt, they’re painful. Through it, I’ve seen so many vast caverns of grace he has put in my life. I’ve seen His glory radiating in my heart and life – and my wife’s as well in ways that are only seen when the heat of pain is intensified.
   
   
2. Praying God’s Word Helps Kidney Stones: Through the pain, I found my life being conformed around God more than I had expected. Though it was extremely painful, I found myself praying God’s Word to Him, praying His character to Him. It wasn’t like I was suddenly filled with joy at that moment but I was preaching a universe-changing message to myself in a moment of dire pain; I was preaching the Gospel.
   
   
3. God’s Timing is Perfect with Kidney Stones: God was good to prevent this stone from coming earlier. I had my first kidney stone two weeks ago to the day, just two days before we were about to leave on (essentially) two weeks of vacation. Thankfully it passed the morning we were leaving, and while I had a few bouts with the second during those two weeks, it never was debilitating. I remember feeling the second one coming on about half way through the trip when we’d come home for a couple days before our second leg of the vacation. I bent down, and I quietly asked my Father to take it away. I felt his nearness, and went to bed knowing that he’d heard me either way. He didn’t take it away, but he did push it aside until the best time for me. What grace!
   
   
4. God Works in My Weakness through Kidney Stones:  As the pain increased, I became increasingly aware of my physical and emotional weakness. And, in my weakness,  His strength is revealed. How often do I actually glory in my weakness? I’m a prideful man, so I like being strong. But I’m seeing how my weakness actually is God’s preferred instrument to display His might.  This body is under a curse as with the rest of creation.  We see this in Romans 8:19-23.  But the end of Romans 8 is also true: nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus Christ for us (v. 35), and that all things work for our good (v.28).
   
   
5. This Pain is Nothing Compared to Eternal Torment: It also gave me a taste for what Christ saved me from: Hell and God’s wrath. The pain was bad, but not damnation.  However, I caught a faint glimpse of the horrors of Hell through the temporary anguish of body that only faintly can reflect the wrath of God pressing in on a soul.  Knowing the pain I felt, how grateful I am to know that the greatest physical torment was suffered on my behalf.

I pray that God presses all these things on my mind to remember.  And even though you may not be sent to the school of kidney stones, I pray He presses them into your mind as well.  I love God more now – I find myself loving the things of the world less. Oh God, make it last and make it spread.  And if a 3mm bully ever visits your world, know that it is also a little but powerful messenger from your loving heavenly Father.