By Rob Flood

On March 30th, hundreds of married couples from Covenant Fellowship Church gathers for the first of two meetings on physical intimacy in marriage called Beyond the Honeymoon.  At this first meeting, Dave Harvey brought a wonderful message from 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 called The Bed Beyond the Honeymoon. (You can hear the message in its entirety here.)  He builds his message around these four themes: service, initiative, talk, and heart.

We will gather on May 18th at 7:30 for the second and final meeting for Beyond the Honeymoon.

Dave’s quotes and application questions are below.

Quotes for message:

1. "Indeed, any married person who rightly sees these verses as commands from God will bring to the marriage bed a servant’s mind-set that places primary emphasis on the sexual satisfaction of his or her spouse." (C.J. Mahaney)

2. "Partners deprive each other in marriage by failing to give, especially to give what God wants us to give." (David Prior)

3. "No one can ever figure out who is doing the giving and who the receiving. Real lovers know that giving and receiving are a splendid and hilarious paradox in which, lo, the giving becomes receiving, the receiving giving until any efforts to sort it out collapse in merriment or adoration." (Thomas Howard)

4. "A man and woman who accept their finitude and who seek to honor God in how they love each other will of course enjoy themselves sexually. But that enjoyment will have the normal range that is to be expected from any physical pleasure. Sometimes they will enjoy a “steak dinner,” and it really will be extraordinary. Other times it will be quite ordinary—macaroni and cheese—but still enjoyable. Should they enjoy extraordinary sexual experiences? Yes, of course—sometimes. But at no time should they accept that lie that sexual pleasure is subnormal unless it matches the standards set by humanistic sexual therapists. Christians should recognize that “scientists” with clipboards who watch other people have sex do not really have a firm grasp of what normal means." (Douglas Wilson)

5. "Almost every way a theorist looks at it, sexual reproduction is a disaster!" (Michael Brooks)

Application Questions

For Guys:

1. One area where I take great delight in our sexual relationship is …
2. In 1 Peter 3:7, the Scriptures call us to ‘live with our wives in an understanding way” (or “according to wisdom” as it is also translated). How can you apply this command as it relates to sex and intimacy?

For Ladies:

1. One area where I take great delight in our sexual relationship is …
2. Which of the three sin categories that affect our intimacy mentioned by Dave (sloth, bitterness, unbelief) would be the greatest temptation for you in this season of your life, and why?
3. In Colossians 3:18, the Scriptures call wives to “submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord”. What does ‘fitting submission’ look like for you in the intimacy of your marriage?

For Couples:

1.  Is there any part of our intimacy where you’re not sure we’re on the same page?
2. What is one thing I could do to make our intimacy more meaningful for you?

By Rob Flood

In our most sober moments, we would all agree that communication is important in marriage.  How much communication might be up for dispute, but learning to communicate well and on a variety of issues can go a long way in preventing and resolving marital conflict.

So, in FPU we learn to talk about our finances.  In Vital Life, we learn to talk about our prayer lives.  In Fellowship Groups, we learn to talk about our sin.  There is one thing that sets the marriage relationship apart from all others.  (Not just one thing…but one BIG thing nonetheless.)  So…are we talking about sex?

When was the last conversation you had about money?  When was the last conversation you had about Christ?  Now…when was the last conversation you had about sex?

Far too frequently, sex is a taboo topic.  We may engage in marital intimacy, but we don’t often discuss marital intimacy.  And what are the consequences?

1. Our marital intimacy is not all it could be.  There are expressions of intimacy that you desire, but if you never talk about it, you’ll never know if your spouse agrees or might want the same thing.  Or, perhaps the opposite is true.  Perhaps something is happening in the marital bed that you are uncomfortable with.  But rather than discuss it, you avoid intimacy or hope upon hope that he or she doesn’t do that thing tonight.  Opening the topic of sex up for discussion can avoid all of this and make intimacy a joy for both spouses.
2. Non-sexual elements of our marriages suffer.  When couples struggle with intimacy, bitterness can find root.  “She doesn’t understand how important this is to me.”  “He doesn’t care what matters to me.”  Then, for no real reason, an accidental bump while emptying the dishwasher becomes a big deal.  Thoughtless remarks escape our mouths about the silliest and stupidest things.  We know that they’re silly and we don’t even want to be in conflict over them.  The bitterness takes us by surprise, but it is very real.  Where does it come from?  Trace it back to the root.  Talking about the struggles or difficulties you are having in the bedroom can serve the rest of your marriage.
3. Sex becomes too important in our perspectives.  If we don’t talk about sex as a regular topic in our marriages, it can grow to be a colossal issue in our own minds.  Last year, I wrote a blog that defined the role that sex ought to play in a healthy marriage.  (You can read it by clicking here.)  We do not fix other legitimate problems in our marriage by “jazzing up” our sex lives.  A vibrant sex life ought to flow from a “jazzed up” marriage.  But if we are silent on the topic, with no platform or opportunity to share, we run the risk of losing this helpful balance.

So, while you actively discuss topics such as finances or parenting, consider cracking the seal on a conversation on marital intimacy.  It is a gift of God to marriages…that must be stewarded.  So…steward away.

Editors Note: The purpose of these conversations are to foster mutual enjoyment and respect in marital intimacy.  No venue or discussion should be used to manipulate a spouse to take part in something that he or she is uncomfortable with.  Remember, the goal in these discussions is to edify your spouse and serve your marriage…not edify yourself and serve yourself.