By Rob Flood

Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again. (Philippians 1:25-26)

Paul has arrived at the conclusion that, for him, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If he lives, he continues to bear fruit in the mission Christ has set before him. If he dies, he rests from his labors in the eternal rest of his King and his Savior.

He becomes convinced that he will remain living and not die to be with the Lord just yet. But he remains, not out of resignation, but with distinct purpose. His life, lived in the fullness of the gospel, will be lived for the purpose of others. It will be lived for their progress in the faith and their joy in the faith. His words, actions, and affections will be sown into the Philippians for their progress and joy.

We have been joined with others in life. Some of us through natural birth, some through new birth, some through marriage and some through the birth of our own children. And, as Christ tarries, we know we will continue with all of these people in our lives.

As we labor daily for the health of our marriages, what will give definition to our efforts? As we learn new boundaries of our weaknesses and limitations in our parenting, will we allow God himself to define our purpose as parents?

When we live for the progress of others, we strive for their godliness and growth. We want what is best for them in the Lord and we want it for them. We do not pursue this so that our marriage or home is better, but so that they would know the true person and character of God more fully. But if we do this absent a goal for their joy, we run the risk of embittering them toward God. We risk setting up our love as an achievement goal rather than something that we freely offer. Wanting the progress of our spouse or our children is insufficient.

When we live for the joy of others, we strive for them to experience the gladness of God in their lives. We want them happy. We want them to enjoy the life they live. Again, not just because their happiness leads to our own, but because our love desires their joy for them. But if we do this absent a goal for their progress in the Lord, we run the risk of living lives defined by whether those in our lives are happy with us. We risk seeking their joy at the expense of their godliness.

Paul’s understanding of a life purchased by Christ led him to one conclusion: if Christ tarries, my life will be purposed for the progress and joy of others. Either one or the other might be a simple endeavor. But to accomplish both…that is a task of divine proportions.

When we continue with our children or our spouse for their progress and joy in the faith, we bring adjustment without anger. We bring concern without judgment. We bring levity and relatability without compromise. We fan the flame of the one without smothering the other. The call is not optional…we receive it if Christ, in his wisdom, tarries and leaves us remaining on earth.

While not optional, the call is humbling. It is far beyond us. So we must pray. We must repent when we breech the balance. We should fall on our faces in gratitude when we achieve the balance.

God graciously gives us this filter through which we may evaluate our motives and methods. Knowing that our lives are to be lived for others’ progress and joy in the faith gives us a wonderful tool. The result: those in our lives will have “ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus.”

By Rob Flood

Marriage is important to God so marriages are important to us. The marriages of this church fill our hearts and our time in prayer as we seek to glorify God in our homes. Earlier this year, we experienced Fight Night, two evenings to assist with resolving marital conflict in a biblical and God-honoring way. We then had Beyond the Honeymoon where we spent time on the topic of marital intimacy.

Our hope with our married couples meetings is that each message would be biblical, accessible, practical, and helpful. As you can see from the content of these meetings, our hope is not in our format or in our conversations, but in the Word of God to affect change in our lives and in our marriages.

Another component to our lives as married couples is community. Each year for the past three years, we have gathered as married and engaged couples on the front lawn to enjoy an evening together. An evening of fun, time together, and wonderful music.

This Thursday, July 15th, we celebrate our 4th annual Brass on the Grass assisted, as usual, by our friends, Jump City Jazz. This 18-piece band will play throughout the evening as we enjoy food and fun.

Please join us and consider inviting friends and neighbors. Don’t forget to bring your picnic dinner with you. We will provide the desserts. The prime real estate often goes quickly, so be sure to bring your beach chairs, camping chairs, picnic blankets, or whatever else you typically need for picnicking. We will start at 6:30…rain or shine.

By Ramona Doyle

Remember that poem that starts, “I shot an arrow into the air, it fell to earth, I knew not where…”? I made a startling realization recently while reevaluating some of my priorities. Without intentional effort, I can easily live much of my life just like the archer in Longfellow’s poem, blindly shooting my energy and efforts in many directions, yet failing to hit any mark. To get to the point…when I aim at nothing, it’s easy to hit it.

But that is not how the Lord calls us to live our lives. He beckons a measure of intentionality when, in Ephesians 5:15-16, he cautions us, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” The Lord kindly reminds us how important it is to focus our efforts in the various areas of our lives so that we can make wise choices and maximize our fruitfulness.

This point was driven home for me recently while taking the FPU course. We set some financial goals to guide our spending and saving. With measurable goals in mind for things like food and household items, I began to realize how much money I had previously been wasting for lack of a target. Meeting our goals required a greater measure of planning, which changed my haphazard spending habits and rekindled my excitement for cooking and serving creative meals to my family. My family is enjoying my cooking much more, and it seems we are eating better for less—much better for much less. We saw many dividends for an ounce of intentionality in the area of finances.

There are many areas of our lives where setting measurable goals and living with intentionality can pay abundant dividends: our devotional lives, our marriages, our parenting, our homemaking, our use of time, our service to the church, our care for our bodies. I find it helpful to seek the Lord, evaluate, talk with my husband, and set goals in these areas at least once a year. And the Lord, in his kindness, seems to multiply his grace so that the dividends from one area spill over into every area of my life.

Where are you aiming your energy and efforts? Perhaps it is time to target some measurable goals.

By Rob Flood

Have you ever wished you had a time eraser?  I mean the type of eraser that allows you to delete the last couple of minutes…or weeks…or months.  Perhaps you’ve just said something you wish you could take back.  Or maybe your attitude has been a bit abrasive recently and you regret the impact that has had on those around you.

Well, recently I’ve been trapped in a proud season.  It has most certainly not a season to be proud of.  The particulars are of little consequence.  Suffice it to say I have been very aware of myself.  And this epidemic self-awareness has stretched from my attitude here at church to my attitude in my home.  The value of a conversation or situation rose and fell with how it affected me.  

While the particulars are of little consequence, the influence it has had on my soul is of great consequence.  My joy was gone and my peace was tapped.  You’d think that I’d realize the influence and come to my senses, but I was far too blinded by my sin for that.  The problem was not my self-awareness…it was those around me.  A time eraser would have been nice.

The Proverbs tells us:

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

My wife, Gina, derived faith from this verse and met me in conversation about my heart.  With love, gentleness, and humility, she spoke directly from Jeremiah 17.  She wasn’t quite sure what was going on in my heart, but she recognized the man she’s married to in the description of the shrub in the desert.

He is like a shrub in the desert,
    and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
   in an uninhabited salt land.

She saw a man whose soul was parched and did not see any good come.  Then, she saw the description of the tree planted by water.

He is like a tree planted by water,
   that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
   for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
   for it does not cease to bear fruit."

And she gently asked…she fitly asked…if the problem might be where I was placing my trust.  You see, the shrub in the desert “trusts in man and makes flesh his strength.”  The tree planted by water “trusts in the LORD, his trust is the LORD.”

For the tree, it was the best of times.  For the shrub, it was the worst of times. But a closer reading reveals that the conditions around them were the same…drought and heat.  The difference was their trust.  The Lord provided strength and nourishment.  The flesh can produce none.

Through this word “fitly spoken,” God has continued to reveal my sin…and his wonderful, refreshing, nourishing grace. 

As spouses, we have a front row seat to the activity of God in each other’s lives.  We also have a front row seat to each other’s sin.  If we could speak in humility, yet in truth, into each other’s lives, we could be the greatest source of encouragement where we see God acting.  We could be the kindest voice of correction where we see the flesh acting.  Our marriages,  our lives, our homes would magnify the greatness of God in magnificent ways.

I am blessed to have an ally in the fight against my sin and the fight for faith.  May I…may we…seek to be allies and not adversaries in our homes and marriages.  And may we be faithful and full of faith in the best of times and the worst of times.

 

By Rob Flood

Is there an area in your marriage that regularly leads to discomfort?  I don’t mean outright conflict.  I mean the area that brings a little pit in your stomach every time it comes up.  You’ve had more than ample conversation there but had less than desirable results.  Life can go on without harmony there, but a sense of uneasiness seems to lurk just below the surface.

There is a fork in the road before us all.  And it faces us each day.  We’re walking along and, bang, out of nowhere something happens that we didn’t expect.  …or we didn’t want.  …or we wish would go away.  Perhaps it’s a conflict with your spouse.  Or perhaps it’s a financial situation.  Or maybe it’s even a problem you as a couple are having with another family or couple.

The fork forces you to decide where you are going to place your trust.  And it only offers you one of two paths:  trusting in God or trusting in anything else.  Consider Jeremiah 17:5-8.

"Cursed is the man who trusts in man
   and makes flesh his strength,
   whose heart turns away from the LORD.
⁶ He is like a shrub in the desert,
    and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
   in an uninhabited salt land.

 ⁷ "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
    whose trust is the LORD.
⁸ He is like a tree planted by water,
   that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
   for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
   for it does not cease to bear fruit."

From the vantage point of your computer screen right now, as you read this blog, the choice seems easy and clear.  But you are likely not facing the fork right now as you read this blog.  When you are actually standing at the fork of deciding where you will place your trust, there is typically a dense fog.  It not only clouds your vision but your thinking.  In those conditions, it is all too simple to place our trust in anything other than God.

We can trust our communication skills or our spouse’s communication skills.  We can presume on relationship and choose to do nothing at all…trusting in a forgetful mind.  We can trust in others fearing our anger or in others having sympathy at our tears.  We can trust our efforts, our cleverness, or our humor.  We trust in these things because they’ve worked before…or at least they’ve appeared to work before.  But let me ask you this question:  How’s the tree?

No matter how foggy or confused the fork gets, the results are always seen in the shrub or the tree.  The show up there because a parched, drought season always comes to test our trust.  If you find that the tree of hope and faith is a bit brittle and parched, turn around and check if you made the wrong decision at the fork.  It is the parched shrub that has placed its trust in man and flesh…and hope cannot blossom or flourish.

If you find, on the other hand, that the leaves are still green and the tree is hearty, when you turn around you’ll see that your trust is likely in God.  When our trust is in the Lord, we do not cease to bear fruit…even in drought.

The object of our trust determines the health of our hope.  Two couples, standing at the fork, may have the same decision before them, but their need for hope has not yet arisen.  It is only down the road, when hope really matters, when we see the real effect of the choice we made at the fork.

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man.”  “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord.”  When we trust, we sow to hope.  And there is only one source for that.  As Proverbs 3:5-6 aptly captures:

 ⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
   and do not lean on your own understanding.
⁶In all your ways acknowledge him,
   and he will make straight your paths.

By Rob Flood

Rich or poor, we are all allotted equal doses of time.  For each of us, we have 168 hours a week to spend.  That works out to 10,080 minutes.  There is no favoritism…no ways to earn more or deals to make that give us less.  We all stand on equal footing.  It seems like a lot, no?  No!

Remove about a third of them for sleep and you have about 112 hours left.  Take away about another 22 hours for eating and you’ve got just under 13 hours each day left.  Now, factor in driving to work, work, and driving home from work.  Add to that church events and Community Group.  Add to that baseball practice and dance lessons…you see where I’m going.  Time is precious and there are many, many things in our lives begging for more.  Yet, just like dollars, we have a limited supply.  And unlike dollars, we can’t even run into debt on our time.  There is a hard stop at 168 hours a week.

Our limit on time can lead to a common but devastating trap in marriage.  Because time is so short, we can presume upon our marriage relationship and give our time elsewhere.  We think, “she’ll understand” or “he knows I love him.”  Before we know it, if we’re not careful, we’ve spent all 168 hours on events and people beyond our spouse.  Or, perhaps a bit more realistically, all of the time we’ve given our spouse has been “business” and not “personal.”  It has been to handle the goings on of life and not enjoyment and care for our relationship. 

Just as a checkbook reveals how we prioritize the use of our money, our schedules reveal how we prioritize the use of our time.  And when time spent does not reflect priorities valued, we know we are presuming upon something.

Gentlemen, our wives are worthy of dedicated time.  Time set aside for no other reason than we prioritize what is important to them and we seek to nurture our relationship with them.

Ladies, your husbands are worthy of dedicated time.  Time set aside to enrich your relationship.

One of the greatest threats to time as a couple is the time necessary for children.  With the raising of children, it seems there is never enough time for marriage.  It has been said many times, but never too many, that the greatest gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage to your spouse. 

Is this a call to date night?  Not necessarily.  It is possible to have a regular date night and focus only on the business of life.  It is also possible to not have a regular date night and still dedicate meaningful time to each other.  Date night is a good practice and a reasonable place to apply this, but is not necessarily the same thing.

Here are some questions to help you evaluate if your time has been invested toward each other and for each other:

• Do you have a good sense of how well or poorly your spouse is doing?
• If you chose to eliminate conversation about the house and the kids, would conversation still come easily?
• If your spouse never initiated conversation, would you be inclined to talk?
• Do you currently feel closer or more distant from your spouse than a year ago?

While many factors can contribute to the level of closeness couples feel, it is nearly impossible to be close if you are not sharing your lives together.  And that is only possible if you are making the difficult choices of spending precious, precious time on each other.

By Rob Flood

I remember watching a 1^st grader enthralled with his new sandals…the ones that light up when you walk in them.  Walking down the hall, he was watching the pretty red lights coming from under his feet.  And, as he studied the blinking, he never saw the wall that snuck up on him…WHACK!  Don’t worry…after shaking his head a couple of times, he walked off, just fine…and still looking at the lights.

We can sometimes be so consumed with our next steps that we forget to lift our eyes and look at the end of the journey.  What would mature, godly love look like at the end of the journey?  How about in genuine hardship?  Here’s a snapshot of genuine love at the end of a journey.

Robertson McQuilkin was the president of a seminary and prominent in his field.  However, as his wife Muriel grew worse with Alzheimer’s Disease, he made the decision to leave his position and care for her full time.  The following was part of his farewell letter to the constituents of Columbia Bible College

The decision was made, in a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for Muriel “in sickness and in health…’til death do us part.”  So, as a man of my word, integrity has something to do with it.  But so does fairness.  She has cared for me fully and sacrificially all these years; if I cared for her for the next 40 years I would not be out of her debt.

Duty, however, can be grim and stoic.  But there is more: I love Muriel.  She is a delight to me—her childlike dependence and confidence in me, her warm love, occasional flashes of that wit I used to relish so, her happy spirit and tough resilience in the face of her continual distressing frustration.  I don’t have to care for her.  I get to! It is a high honor to care for so wonderful a person.

Not everyone is in a position to leave their job and provide this type of care.  However, we are all in a position to provide this type of love.  God is at work in us to love our spouse in a way that reflects His own love for us.  Thank you, Dr. McQuilkin, for your example.

Now that we’ve looked at the end of the journey, it’s time to return to the steps in front of us.  Are you on a path that leads to that end?  Are you cultivating the love for your spouse that will withstand such trials?  True devotion to your spouse is fruit from true devotion to your Savior.  If Dr. McQuilkin’s example provokes you, then pour mightily into your relationship with Christ…in the end, your love for your spouse will smell as sweet as that shared between Robertson and Muriel…to the glory of God.

By Rob Flood

 

Sometimes it is good for us to read about how marriages last for decades.  Reading helps us learn about our own souls, the souls of our spouses, and how to be intentional in our growth as couples.

 

This is why we dedicate this space each Wednesday to issues of the family: marriage and parenting.  Growing together as families is a priority here at Covenant Fellowship Church and it is a priority to your pastoral team.

 

Sometimes it is good for us to read about it.

 

And, sometimes it is good for us to just see it.

 

This dear couple, Marlow and Frances Cowan, has been married for over 60 years.  I have no idea what they’ve done to foster love and affection for one another.  However, when I am married over 60 years, I pray I will delight in fun times with my bride after all those years.

 

Here’s an example…enjoy!

By Rob Flood
 

When I was a boy, my sister’s future husband used to hang around a lot.  While I was the annoying pre-teen that never really gave them a moment’s peace, he was someone I wanted to be like.  I began dressing like him, liking his sports teams, using his type of humor.  I interrogated him regularly about his interests, seeking to learn all I could from him.  He represented something I wanted to be like…and I began to be like him in every way I could.
 

You may have a role model from your youth. Someone you sought to be like.  In our Christian lives, there are those who represent something we want to be like. We don’t make idols out of them (the way I did with my future brother-in-law), but we do learn from them.  Perhaps they excel in areas where we struggle.  Perhaps they’ve experienced a season we are heading into.  In any case, there are areas where we could stand to be more like them.

 

This is true in the area of marriage.  Our church is rich with wonderful role models in marriage.  Sure, they have flaws, but there is much to learn.  Our duty is simple…look around.  Ask yourselves these questions:

~   What areas of your marriage are in need of help?
~   In what areas of your marriage do you desire to grow?
~   Who has God providentially placed in your lives that you can learn from?
~   Are you willing to take the initiative to connect with them and draw them out concerning marriage?

Fellowship with others in your stage of life is very valuable.  There is mutual encouragement and accountability in this.  However, if that’s all you do…you will never benefit from the blessing of marriage role models.

 

Consider taking the step to reach out to ordinary folk in our church who have extraordinary marriages.  Perhaps you’ve seen something in their relationship that stands out to you.  Perhaps it is something you don’t see that stands out to you.  Pursue them…Ask them…learn from them.

 

You don’t have to start dressing like them to benefit from all they can teach you.  Keep your favorite sport team and your own sense of humor.  However, don’t allow fear or imposition to stop the invitation.  Role models have played a part in the Christian life since the beginning.  Every Timothy has a Paul.  Sometimes…he just needs to ask.

By Rob Flood

Imagine being an innocent bug on a wonderful summer night.  You’re flying around doing “bug” things when your eye catches some very pretty lights.  You fly to it, drawn by its strangely luring luminescence.  Suddenly….”ZZZZZZZZZ!”

Our innocent victim of insecticide had no intention of being lured to its death.  It was the lure of the light that drew him.  If he was a thinking bug, he’d remember the thousands of friends that have flown to the light before…never to return.  Or, he might have noticed the thick layer of bug carcasses that lie just beneath his flight pattern.  But our little six-legged friend went on instinct, unthinking to his demise.

This is the nature of being a bug.

This is the nature of being human.

Proverbs 5 gives us a similar story.  However, this is not a creature of the six-legged kind, but of the two-legged kind.

For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.
(Proverbs 5:3-4)

It is the poison of sin coated with the lure of sugar.  It is pain with the lure of pleasure.  It is death with the lure of promised life.  

Like our unfortunate insect friend, husbands and wives fly unthinking into infidelity.  It does not take much to entice our thoughts.  We rarely start on the luring path aware of where it leads.  All we see is the drip of honey, the smooth oil.  We deny that they lead to bitterness…to a two-edged sword.

In many cases, infidelity is not a choice…it’s a drift.  A thoughtless drift of giving into one sin after another.  Maybe it begins with entertaining negative thoughts about your spouse.  You rehearse those in your heart and convince yourself that God would want you happier than you are right now.  So, you go for a walk.

From the side of the path…down another road…you hear the beckoning of some man or some woman who “understands” you.  They don’t judge you.  They don’t see your flaws…they appreciate you for who you are.  Drips of honey and smooth oil line to way.  Suddenly, you find yourself doing things you never thought possible and destroying everything you know as your life.  That is bitter as wormwood.  That is as sharp as a two-edged sword…for you and for those you love.

Fidelity is a choice.  Fidelity does not come naturally to our flesh because fidelity often means choosing against our sinful desires.  Fidelity requires moorings, commitment, and hard choices to die to self and live for others…live for Christ.

Infidelity requires nothing of us.  Only to behave exactly as we would if Christ had never invaded our lives.  Frankly, all we need to do is live like the bug we’ve been talking about.  We will enjoy the passion, the beauty, the thrill until the moment of ”ZZZZZZZZZ!”

Fidelity requires that we live as though we’ve been bought with the price of Christ’s blood.  As though our commitment to our spouse affects more than just our home, but our church and the glory to God to boot.  Fidelity requires that live as citizens of another kingdom, where the words we hear will not be ”ZZZZZZZZZ!” but “Well done.”

Our marriages matter to God.  They matter to the church.  And, when all is said and done, we agree that they matter to us as well.  While infidelity does not require anything of us, fidelity requires that we are active participants in making the choice… “For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the LORD, and he ponders all his paths.” (Proverbs 5:21)

By Rob Flood

 

Last night, the married and engaged couples of  Covenant Fellowship Church shared the last message in Fight Night: 3 Rounds to Conflict Resolution.  Mark Prater taught on the Gospel of Peace.  Praise God that we have forgiveness in Jesus Christ and that, ultimately, peace in our homes is something that has been accomplished through his blood, as we apply gospel truth in our homes.

 

Peace with God is not possible without grace from God.  So too, peace in our homes is not possible without grace.

 

On a very similar topic, John Piper refers to grace in marriage as “justification bent outward.”  He defines it as the outward bending of the result of our justification…Christ’s finished work in our hearts.

 

In a message called, “Marriage: God’s Showcase of Covenant-Keeping Grace,” he says the following:

 

This is the vertical reality that must be bent outward horizontally to our spouses if marriage is to display the covenant-making, covenant-keeping grace of God. We see this in Colossians 3:12-13, “ Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

 

“As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive”—your spouse. As the Lord “bears with” you, so you should bear with your spouse. The Lord “bears with” you everyday as you fall short of his will. Indeed, the distance between what Christ expects of you and what you achieve is infinitely greater than the distance between what you and expect of your spouse and what he achieves. Christ always forgives more and endures more than we do. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Bear with as he bears with you. This holds for whether you are married to a believer or an unbeliever. Let the measure of God’s grace to you in the cross of Christ be the measure of your grace to your spouse.

 

And if you are married to a believer, you can add this: As the Lord counts you righteous in Christ, though you are not in actual behavior or attitude, so count your spouse righteous in Christ, though he is not—though she is not. In other words, Colossians 3 says, take the vertical grace of forgiveness and justification and bend them out horizontally to your spouse. This is what marriage is for, most ultimately—the display of Christ’s covenant-keeping grace. (1)

 

Marriage, unlike most other relationships, offers us the opportunity to forbear, to forgive, to choose unity over agreement and love over winning.  But this is only possible as we reference, even rely upon, the work of Christ on our behalf…reconciling us to God and granting the grace for us to reconcile with each other.

 

[1] By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org at this link: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByTopic/45/1992_Marriage_Gods_Showcase_of_CovenantKeeping_Grace/

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Rob Flood

 

By the grace of God, we are well-taught people.  We know that the gospel is central.  And not just central to the message of salvation.  We know the gospel is central to the Christian life.  We never outgrow our need for it.  We just grow deeper in our awareness of it and dependence upon it.

 

But sometimes…in some specific areas…we can desire something more.  Sure, we like the gospel, but couldn’t you give me the gospel and five things to do?  Couldn’t you preach the gospel clearly and tell me 3 steps to marital bliss?  …or 5 keys to holiness?  …or the most important thing to do in dealing with marital conflict?

 

Here’s what we have planned for you:  Fight Night: Round 3!

 

This Tuesday evening, February 2nd at 7:30 p.m., the married and engaged couples of Covenant Fellowship Church are going to gather for the final installment of Fight Night. 

 

If you recall, we met for Rounds 1 & 2 in the fall.  We learned quite a bit about conflict, enmity with God, and even some very useful steps in addressing and resolving conflict.

 

We are prepared to make you a commitment.  This Tuesday evening, we will address the issue of marital conflict head on.  There will be practical help for you to take home.  However, we commit to never go beyond the gospel.  We do not have to labor to make the gospel relevant…it is relevant by its very nature.

 

This is why we never have to deliver the gospel…and.  We simply need to go further into the gospel and mine its riches.  And our hope is to do that together on February 2^nd.

 

If you didn’t attend Rounds 1 & 2, don’t let that keep you from coming.  You can even listen to the messages here.  And if you don’t get a chance to listen to these audio messages, come anyway.  Bring your marriage…just as it is.  And expect God to meet you.

 

We’ll start at 7:30 sharp.  We hope to see you there.

 

Fight Night: 3 Rounds to Conflict  Resolution

Round 3

Tuesday, February 2^nd, 2010

7:30 p.m.

 

Coffee and fellowship to follow

 

 

 

By Ramona Doyle

 

I like the beach.  My husband likes the mountains.  I thrive on order.  My husband has an incredible ability function well in the midst of chaos.  On a marriage retreat many years ago we competed with the other couples to see who could list the most differences between us.  We listed 261 differences.  We won.  Even if you and your husband have similar personalities, you don’t need 261 differences or to be married very long to figure out that you are two very different people, and those differences can either challenge the unity in our marriages or they can serve as tools in the hand of the Lord to sanctify us and deepen our oneness.

 

Earlier in our marriage there were times that the differences between us threatened me.  There were even times when I tried to make my husband be just like me (that’s a scary thought!).  Hint…don’t try that :-).  Through the years the Lord has faithfully worked in my heart to teach me that he has a wonderful plan for these differences.  My marriage to my husband, with all of our differences, was by his design and is intended for his glory.  Learning to view our differences in light of scripture has helped me anticipate the Lord’s activity in them, strengthened our marriage, and added to my joy in our relationship.

 

Here are some of the things I’ve learned to expect the Lord to do in the midst of our differences…

 

• “Iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17):  How kind of the Lord to help me in my sin and weakness with the insight and counsel of my husband.  And in his struggles I can do the same for him.  We sharpen one another in our faith, help each other in our battle with sin, and help equip one another to love and treasure Christ all the more.

 

• “A threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12):  God made me in weakness in order to point to his sufficiency, and in my husband’s leadership he provides a wonderful covering.  As I draw from them both, I am strengthened!  Not only this, chances are you and your husband’s strengths and weaknesses are in different areas…your strengths help him in his weakness just as his lift you up in the midst of yours.

 

• “It refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:31-32):  My thoughts about my marriage can so often be “me-centered” but the Lord has made my marriage to be “God-centered” … a reflection of Christ’s relationship to the church!  Because of this I know that God is invested in cultivating the same sacrificial, gracious love in us that he has for us.  God is at work…that’s real hope!  Together we mirror something we could not on our own.  Our differences, as we submit them to his gracious work in us, reflect something marvelous about Him and testify of His glory to the world.

 

No matter how different we are from our husbands…what marvelous hope and help we can draw from the Lord’s magnificent plan for our marriages!

By Gina Flood

 

I love preparing for the Christmas season.  I love watching the same movies with family every year, pouring over cookbooks to glean ideas for tasty treats to share, decorating the house with homey yuletide comfort, driving the neighborhoods gazing at Christmas lights with yummy mugs of hot chocolate, visiting a live nativity, and celebrating the birth of the Savior with family and friends.

 

I don’t usually think about the Christmas season as an opportunity to grow, more just to enjoy and then to survive.  But the Lord taught me a great lesson last year that I’m looking forward to practicing this year. 

 

As I was planning the annual Christmas cookie bake-a-thon last year, I thought I was wisely considering my current season of life – 4 young children, home school, pregnancy, busy schedule, and so on.  So…in my wisdom, I thought making 10 different types of cookies was conservative.  After all, my truly wonderful mother-in-law makes 27 different kinds at Christmas and I feel almost certain that the amazing women in this church are able to make at least 15 different cookies, home school their children, make all new decorations from home-grown ingredients, host 3 parties, keep their home sparkling clean, build a new shed, and potty train their child all at the same time and without sinning.  Hmmm…that’s my wisdom.

 

Now, my husband, who has carefully studied his wife for many years, wisely asked, “So, how many kinds of cookies you planning to make, hon?”  I replied full of self-glorifying false humility, “Only 10.”  Can you just hear my wonderfully humble tone?  Oh, yuck!  Well, the negotiations began.  Rob lovingly reminded me that I am in a “One-thing Season”.  Adding more than what God has called me to do, especially when it is for my glory, was not going to bless anyone with the love of Christ in that season and most likely was going to add tension to our home and my face.

 

When all was said and done, I was to make only one more cookie (I had already made 2 kinds) and I had a heart full of thanks for a godly husband who sees my limitations better than me and cares for me abundantly.

 

I am thankful for my One-thing Season.  I love being a wife, mother, homemaker, home school mom, and member of this incredible church!  I would not want anything else.  Yet I can so easily be swept into the cares of this world - comparing my productivity to others, and striving to make myself look wonderful.  I can “temporarily” set aside what God has asked me to do in favor of what I want to do.  I can easily be tempted to trade my God-given One-thing Season for a three ring circus for the sake of my own vainglory.

 

I am looking forward to revisiting my One-thing Seasonal frame of mind this year, remembering God’s kindness, mercy, and grace and allowing that to inform my choices for each day.  I am truly and joyfully thankful for this One-thing Season and my desire is to glorify God in it – every day.

 

May God give us the grace to embrace our One-thing Seasons with undivided hearts and unwavering confidence that we are exactly where our sweet Savior wants us to be.  To God be the glory.

By Ramona Doyle

I love encouragement. I’m sure you do, too. I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t love encouragement. When I am specifically encouraged by a friend, I find my burdens lightened, my hope brightened, and my heart motivated in the area in which I’ve been encouraged. This is not surprising; Proverbs 25:11 tells us, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” Encouraging words are like salve for our souls.

As much as I love to be encouraged, however, I find that I don’t regularly give what I delight to receive. My husband needs encouragement, too. He labors long hours to provide for our family, he carries the mantel of leading our family, and he cares for our hearts and souls. He bears much responsibility and wears so many hats…husband, daddy, co-worker, friend, fellow-servant, wiper of tears, and fixer of everything broken.

The Lord calls us to excel in this wonderful task, and so be used by him as he accomplishes his ongoing Gospel work in our lives: “For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:9-11) So let us encourage!

Here are some suggestions…

~   Abide in the Lord and daily drink deeply of His love:  I find that when I have basked in the Lord’s ever-faithful, extravagant love, my heart becomes full and expressing loving encouragements to my husband flows much more naturally. I am also less likely to try to draw from him what only the Lord can supply.

~   Pray for your husband:  Lift his burdens before the Lord. If you don’t know his burdens…draw him out. You will be surprised at how simply doing so will encourage him and knit your hearts together. Add prayer to that, and you’ve lifted his needs into very capable hands.

~   Thank the Lord for your husband:  Think of the ways your husband serves you and your family…of the ways he is a blessing in your life. Be specific. Thankful hearts easily encourage and seldom grumble and complain. Don’t forget to let him know specific ways that you are thankful for him.

~   Purpose each day to point out where you see the Lord at work in his life.  Ask the Lord to give you eyes to see even the little things. God is at work; encouraging this in specific ways will lift your husband’s soul.

~   Point your husband to the Lord:  When he is discouraged, encourage his heart with promises from Scripture. God’s Word is powerful and the Lord delights to work through it.

Let’s make encouraging our husbands a daily habit… the Lord is glorified, his work in our husbands, our lives, and our marriages is furthered, and we reap the fruit of deepening trust, joy, and passion in our relationships.

By Gina Flood

 

As much as I enjoy being a mother, without daily sustenance and supply from Christ, my children would dwell with a scowling, self-absorbed, selfish mommy whose main goals were immediate peace and ceaseless comfort using the chief means of convenience and behavior modification to reach those goals. How merciful is our God, that He does not deal with us in such ways!

 

His lovingkindness is everlasting! He is longsuffering! He is abundantly more interested in changing our hearts than He is in changing our behavior. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” [emphasis added] Whatever has residency in my heart determines what springs forth.

 

As God continues to conform and transform my heart, He seem to have revealed five areas for mothers to concentrate on. 

 

1. The Heart of a Mother Loves Jesus Christ

 

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:8-9)

 

In the midst of the hectic busyness of a mother’s life, we are reminded that we are to be filled with “inexpressible and glorious joy.” Why? Because we are “receiving the goal of [my] faith, the salvation of [my] soul.” Our every day is to be characterized by joy in Him!

 

Are we grumbling, annoyed, frustrated, harried? If we are, it’s because we’re not focused on loving the One who saved us. Most likely, we’re focused on ourselves. How much easier, by the grace of God, it is to be filled with glorious joy inexpressible when I am dwelling on what I am already receiving – the goal of my faith – salvation!

 

2. The Heart of a Mother Loves Her Husband

 

Does your heart leap when your husband enters the room? Again, in the business of daily life, I can easily forget to focus my heart’s full attention on my blessed gift – my husband. I happily greet him with a pleasant salutation, hug and kiss because I am, indeed, very glad to see him…but that’s not a leap. I wanted a leaping heart, so I went to my Father for wisdom.

 

His answer came from His Word in Ephesians 5:33. “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”  I need to be dwelling on respecting the blessing God has given me in my husband and allow that gratitude to spill forth from my mouth in praise and thanksgiving for all to hear: my husband, my children, and others. And I must choose to be intentional in doing this daily.

 

These are just two of the five areas where we can be protected from mothering in our own strength, apart from the daily sustenance from Christ.  Tomorrow will bring the remaining three.  In the meantime, may we all be constantly aware that our call to motherhood comes from a loving God, whose power has been made available to us for the task.  He will never leave us nor forsake us…not even in motherhood.

By Christina Roth

This past September, Bill and I celebrated our twelfth anniversary.  It made me think of that amazing day when we were joined in our marriage covenant.  As the pastor spoke he held up a piece of rope.  “A rope with three strands is not easily broken,” he said pulling on the rope.  Those three strands, he told us, represent Bill, me and the Lord.  This wisdom we will carry with us as long as we live.

However, lately I needed to be reminded of our three strand marriage once again.  The Lord has graciously revealed a trend going on in my life.  I increasingly found myself making decisions on my own, without even speaking to Bill about it.  Recent examples include volunteering Bill to coach my daughter’s soccer team, scheduling various parties to attend, and inviting people over to our home.  When I make these decisions they all seem reasonable, even honoring to God.  The soccer team provides a great outreach opportunity, parties always provide wonderful fellowship with other women, and the Bible is very clear about the importance of hospitality…right?  Well, not so fast.  Each of those choices led into conflict with my husband and consequences that showed me these choices were in fact not as reasonable or God honoring as I thought.

In conversations with Bill I began to realize that I was acting as a single strand, weak and ready to break at any moment.  By not consulting Bill on these decisions, I was not considering him and the wonderful role he has as my husband, my leader, my protector.  I was acting alone, not accessing the wisdom and care that my husband often provides.  Even though we may have ended up doing the very same things that I planned, the process of making decisions alone deprived us an opportunity to seek the Lord together on important priorities in our lives.  As we resolved the conflict, Bill helped me see our three strand marriage vision, the same morning that my faithful Lord reminded me of it in His Word.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.  But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!  Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?  And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him- a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”  (Ecc. 4:9-12)

By Rob Flood

On Tuesday evening, Covenant Fellowship Church hosted Fight Night: 3 Rounds to Conflict Resolution: an event designed to help married couples address conflict in their relationships.  (The messages from Tuesday night will be posted no later than Monday, November 9th, and can be found here.

In his helpful tool called “A Test for Arguing Wisely,” Andy Farmer gave four categories to keep in mind when entering or actively involved in conflict.  You’ll find those categories and a sampling of his questions below.

1. Be trustworthy; attack the problem, not the person
Proverbs 20:6 (ESV) Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?

- Do I resist bringing up past failures in present situations?
- Do I resist exaggerating or using universal language? (always/never)

2. Be humble
Proverbs 11:2 (ESV)  When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.

- Do I resist turning an argument into a courtroom to win my case?
- Am I willing to acknowledge my sin once I see it, even if my spouse isn’t owning theirs?

3. Be self controlled
2 Tim. 1:7 (ESV)  For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

- Do I seek to keep a calm, reasonable tone of voice and let the other person complete their thoughts when we argue?
- Am I committed to using objective, biblical language when I speak in conflict.

4. Work Toward Reconciliation
Matthew 5:23-24 (ESV)  So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,  leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

- Am I committed to resolving arguments through clear statements of confession and forgiveness?
- Am I committed to inviting the perspective of a trustworthy friend into our conflicts if we are having trouble resolving them?

Conflict is a very revealing thing.  It reveals those things about which we are most passionate.  It reveals how far we’re willing to go to get them.  And it reveals how well we understand the seriousness of our sin, our need for forgiveness, our need for Christ, and the usefulness of the gospel of grace.

These four categories will not, in themselves, solve your conflict problems.  They will, however, foster an environment in your relationship where the real solution will gain traction and flourish.

By Rob Flood

I don’t want to be a perennial skeptic, but you’ll excuse me if I don’t leap for joy when I read a headline like “The Secret to a Happy, Healthy Marriage” from a news agency.  Yet, there it was.  An international news agency reporting on a report from the UK that has discovered the secret to our marital concerns and woes.

Right now, you may be hoping that the report has finally validated that one main area of change you’ve been for.  You know, the one you want to happen…in your spouse?  Or, you may be filled with fear that the secret…THE secret…is the one area you don’t want to change at all.

Could it be communication?  How about intimacy?  Maybe it’s a balanced diet or drinking filtered water?  What has this study in the UK found to be the secret to a happy, healthy marriage?

You guessed it:  separate beds.

Here’s what they say:

If you’ve ever wondered what the secret is to a long, happy and healthy marriage – the answer may be as simple as having separate beds, one sleep expert claims.

Not only will a couple escape arguments over blanket-hogging and non-stop tossing and turning — but they will have a proper night's rest and be healthier for it, Dr. Neil Stanley, the consultant who set up sleep laboratories at U.K.'s Surrey University, said.

"Poor sleep is bad for your physical, mental and emotional health," he said. "It increases the risk of stroke, heart disease and divorce."

Now, I’m all for a good night sleep.  I even encourage it.  But sheer common sense says that the solution to a happy, healthy marriage can’t be the same as the answer for a head cold.  And if common sense isn’t enough, perhaps the weight of Scripture might sway the dear doctor:

~ Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)

~ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33)

~ What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. (James 4:1-2)

Perhaps there are other redemptive behaviors that would help in addition to a good night sleep.  Activities such as praying together, confession, praying for each other, living before others, gathering together with God’s people in worship.

I’ve met many well-rested couples whose marriage was in a shambles.  But, a couple who is willing to do these things will surely be healthy, if not always happy.

So, in humility, might I suggest an alternative “secret” to a happy, healthy marriage?  By all means, get sleep.  But for a happy and healthy marriage, embrace the gospel and serve the God who gives us this good news.  And if the nighttime movement disturbs you, rather than two twins, consider a queen or a king bed.

By Rob Flood

 

In most well-intentioned marriages, the difficulties that arise are caused by the same thing.  And if that one thing can be addressed, thoroughly and realistically, lives and marriages become radically changed.  What the problem?  Most of us are in love with the wrong person.

 

Sure…we all struggle with loving ourselves more than anything or anyone else.  Selfishness is a permanent fixture in our hearts…whether it takes center stage or not is the battle.  But, by the grace of God, we are able to recognize selfishness and put it to death…or at least put it down for an 8-count every once in a while.

 

But I’m not talking about loving yourself.  No…the wrong person we love in most of our marriages is our spouse.

 

So many changes we seek to make in our marriage are crafted around our real and well-intentioned love for our spouse.  We want them happy…we want to love them in a way that they thoroughly enjoy.  Our motivation for our attempts to change is our love for our spouse. 

 

However, if you’re anything like me, the power that such love produces fluctuates… sometimes drastically.  It’s not that my love for my wife fluctuates…I genuinely and consistently love her.  The thing that fluctuates is the power that I can derive from that love to fuel change.  She’s a sinner and so am I.  My love for her cannot be trusted as a source or motivation for change or as a foundation of our marriage.  When it does, as wonderful as she may be, I’m in love with the wrong person.  The same is true of you.

 

The only love that can be trusted…that can be counted on as a foundation for my marriage…is the love between God and us. 

 

The love God has for us came sealed with a sacrifice that purchased us.  It came with the guarantee of his love for us in the person of his Holy Spirit.  He indwells us, powering and enabling all change. 

 

Our short-comings, failures, and sin in our marriages can all be traced back to our failure to love God as we ought.  And, if that is the origin of the problem, that must be the location of the solution.  When our efforts to love are dried up, again rejected, and nothing but mechanical, the answer is not loving your spouse more.  There is no power for change there.  There is no hope in that.  The answer is in loving your God more.

 

This is the whole point behind our marriages being gospel-centered.  It the is point behind loving your husband as unto the Lord…loving your wife as unto the Lord.  When we do so, we do it in the power God provides.  We do so in dependence.  We do so in faith.

 

This frees us as spouses to say “no” to loving ourselves.  It frees us to say “no” to using our love for our spouse as an inadequate foundation for our marriage.  And it frees us by providing a constant source of power and hope, realizing that no matter how we’ve failed, God is faithful to welcome sin-fallen husbands and wives, dust us off, fill us with his Spirit, and send us back into the game.

 

What is the one thing that, if addressed, would radically change our lives and our marriages?  It is turning from being in love with the wrong…and passionately pursuing being in love with the Right Person.

By Rob Flood

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

 

“Until death do us part” means something more…something greater…than staying together until you die.  Yes, it means that, but the vows of love made at a wedding surely are intended to be carried out in a way that honors love and reflects the fruit of the gospel.  While there is something admirable about a husband and a wife finishing together, it is far better…and God-honoring…if they finish well together. 

 

Enter Jonathan and Sarah Edwards.

 

Jonathan and Sarah Edwards had a marriage that was known for its unique sweetness, kindness, and sentiment.  His love for her was well known…and well documented.  So, how does such a great theologian, wonderful pastor, and deep thinker face the end?  Is there grace even for this marriage vow?

 

As he approached his final days, Jonathan Edwards sent a letter to his family with his youngest daughter, Lucy, as its carrier.  Contained within this letter were the following words:

"Dear Lucy, it seems to me to be the will of God, that I must shortly leave you; therefore give my kindest regards to my dear wife, and tell her, that the uncommon union, which has so long subsisted between us, has been of such a nature, as trust is spiritual, and therefore will continue for ever. And I hope she will be supported under so great a trial and submit cheerfully to the will of God. And as to my children, you are now like to be fatherless, which I hope will be an inducement to you all, to seek a Father who will never fail you."

Shortly after Edwards sent his farewell to the wife to whom he was avowed, he turned his attention to the Savior of his soul:

 

"Now where is Jesus of Nazareth, my true and never-failing Friend?"

 

Finally, on March 22, 1758, he went to be with Jesus of Nazareth.

 

The picture, though, is not complete.  We know how Jonathan lived out his vow, until death do us part.  How would Sarah respond…would she have the same focus of appreciation, loss, and gratitude?  Would the gospel be as evident in her response as it was in Jonathan’s?  Her words speak for themselves:

"What shall I say? A holy and good God has covered us with a dark cloud. O that we may kiss the rod, and lay our hands upon our mouths! The Lord has done it. He has made me adore his goodness, that we had him so long. But my God lives; and he has my heart. O what a legacy my husband, and your father, has left us! We are all given to God; and there I am, and love to be."

 

The parting of husband and wife is never easy…it is never meant to be easy.   However, though not easy, it can be glorifying to God and it can be gospel centered.  The Edwards show us this.  The Scriptures declare it:

 

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13)

 

Responding to this Scripture, in his book When Sinners Say I Do, Dave Harvey writes:

 

We don’t grieve as those who have no hope, because we do have hope—amazing, captivating, exultant hope.  The resurrection of the Savior has guaranteed that.  The fire of gospel hope burns deep, even when we feel incapable of feeding it. (p.176)

 

God is the designer of marriage.  He is the sustainer of it.  It is his grace that sustains both husband and wife…until death does part.

By Rob Flood

 

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

 

Our wedding day was a happy one.  Much excitement and expectation.  Fancy clothes, fancy cars, and fancy parties.  On that day, we promised to be faithful, for better or for worse…but all we knew was better.  Who stands in the front of a church at their wedding envisioning the “worse” of the marriage vows?  And yet, we’ve promised before God and man.  So, when “worse” comes, what are we to do?

 

An Example

 

John Bunyan was a nonconformist preacher in the mid 1600s…a man of the Word and a lover of the gospel.  He was widowed with four children, one of whom was blind.  He then met and married his 2^nd wife, Elizabeth.  All of a sudden, this common but godly woman had 4 children under 10, one of whom had unique needs.  Though they remained poor, all seemed well.  Less than two years after their wedding, though, John was arrested for preaching the gospel.  Elizabeth was pregnant with their first child at the time, but the stress of the situation proved devastating to the little one.

 

For 12 years, this common but godly woman cared for her newly adopted family and fought valiantly for the release of her new husband.  On one occasion, as Elizabeth was being questioned by judges regarding John’s imprisonment, she was asked about her children.  Her reply…

 

"My lord, I am but mother-in-law to them, having not been married to him yet full two years. Indeed, I was with child when my husband was first apprehended; but being young and unaccustomed to such things, I being smayed at the news, fell into labor, and so continued for eight days, and then was delivered; but my child died."

 

And yet, she pressed on.  But what of John?  Though her thoughts and efforts were for John, were his equally for her?  Here is John in his own words:

 

The parting with my Wife and poor children hath often been to me in this place as the pulling of the Flesh from my bones; and that not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great Mercies, but also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries and wants that my poor Family was like to meet with should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all I had besides; O the thoughts of the hardship I thought my Blind one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.

 

Both in anguish over their circumstances…both faithful.  They were faithful to each other and faithful to the gospel.  Upon his release, they were reunited and eventually enjoyed the blessing of having two children together.

 

When we say “I do” in the “better,” there is no way for us to know what the “worse” is or when it will be.  But it can often be encouraging to see the grace of God at work in someone else’s live…in someone else’s “worse.”  It can serve us as we are reassured of God’s faithfulness to us for the inevitable time when our “worse” arrives.  Thank God that he, too, is faithful…for better or for worse.

By Rob Flood 

" To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

 

Many of us say these words as young, healthy men and women full of professional and personal aspirations.  We mean them when we say them, but we make these vows with far more ignorance than knowledge.  And then the rest of our lives, as life overcomes our ignorance, we are called upon to keep the promises we made.

 

When life becomes difficult, knowing what to do isn’t often the biggest challenge.  We remember our vows…we know what to do.  The greater challenge comes in knowing how to do it.  How do you keep a promise that you made when you had no idea how costly those promises would become?  Sometimes, all we need is an example to follow.

 

An Example

 

B.B. Warfield was a seminary professor, theologian, and prolific writer.  At the outset of his ministry, with opportunity filling his future, he married his love, Annie Pearce Kinkead.  Shortly after their wedding, though, Annie became incapacitated and grew to be something of a recluse…eventually being bed-ridden.

 

What was this great, young, promising theologian to do?  Warfield would have been expected to travel much in his work.  How could he do that and care for his wife in her frail condition? 

 

Kim Riddlebarger writes about Warfield:

 

[Warfield] was to spend the rest of their lives together giving [Annie] "his constant attention and care" until her death in 1915.  B. B. Warfield could not have foreseen just how constant and difficult a demand this was to become, and how, in the providence of God, this would impact his entire career…

 

According to most accounts, Dr. Warfield almost never ventured away from her side for more than two hours at a time. In fact, he left the confines of Princeton only one time during a ten-year period, and that for a trip designed to alleviate his wife's suffering which ultimately failed…

 

In the mysterious providence of God, it was the nature of his wife's illness and his devotion to her, that ironically provided the greatest impetus for his massive literary output. Personally vital and energetic, "he did not allow" his wife's illness "to hinder him in his work. He was intensely active with voice and pen."

 

Warfield was not directed by his career ambitions…as Godward as they were.  He was not motivated even by his wedding vows…though clear and binding, they lacked the power to sustain him.  Warfield was motivated by the wonderful goodness of God’s sovereignty.  At rest in the hands of the Father, Warfield allowed the path of his life to be redirected.  He remained faithful…not just to his work…not just to his spouse…but faithful to his God.  There, sustaining power is never ending.

 

Some of you have been facing the reality of your wedding vows in a more tangible way.  What does it look like to keep those vows you made so long ago?  While there are many examples of faithful spouses in the face of sickness, we all have at least one in common now.  Such faithfulness can only be achieved through the One who is faithful to his people.

Editor’s Note:  Quotes were taken from “One Productive Life” – A Short Biography of  B. B. Warfield made known to me through Justin Taylor’s blog. 

By Rob Flood

In our most sober moments, we would all agree that communication is important in marriage.  How much communication might be up for dispute, but learning to communicate well and on a variety of issues can go a long way in preventing and resolving marital conflict.

So, in FPU we learn to talk about our finances.  In Vital Life, we learn to talk about our prayer lives.  In Fellowship Groups, we learn to talk about our sin.  There is one thing that sets the marriage relationship apart from all others.  (Not just one thing…but one BIG thing nonetheless.)  So…are we talking about sex?

When was the last conversation you had about money?  When was the last conversation you had about Christ?  Now…when was the last conversation you had about sex?

Far too frequently, sex is a taboo topic.  We may engage in marital intimacy, but we don’t often discuss marital intimacy.  And what are the consequences?

1. Our marital intimacy is not all it could be.  There are expressions of intimacy that you desire, but if you never talk about it, you’ll never know if your spouse agrees or might want the same thing.  Or, perhaps the opposite is true.  Perhaps something is happening in the marital bed that you are uncomfortable with.  But rather than discuss it, you avoid intimacy or hope upon hope that he or she doesn’t do that thing tonight.  Opening the topic of sex up for discussion can avoid all of this and make intimacy a joy for both spouses.
2. Non-sexual elements of our marriages suffer.  When couples struggle with intimacy, bitterness can find root.  “She doesn’t understand how important this is to me.”  “He doesn’t care what matters to me.”  Then, for no real reason, an accidental bump while emptying the dishwasher becomes a big deal.  Thoughtless remarks escape our mouths about the silliest and stupidest things.  We know that they’re silly and we don’t even want to be in conflict over them.  The bitterness takes us by surprise, but it is very real.  Where does it come from?  Trace it back to the root.  Talking about the struggles or difficulties you are having in the bedroom can serve the rest of your marriage.
3. Sex becomes too important in our perspectives.  If we don’t talk about sex as a regular topic in our marriages, it can grow to be a colossal issue in our own minds.  Last year, I wrote a blog that defined the role that sex ought to play in a healthy marriage.  (You can read it by clicking here.)  We do not fix other legitimate problems in our marriage by “jazzing up” our sex lives.  A vibrant sex life ought to flow from a “jazzed up” marriage.  But if we are silent on the topic, with no platform or opportunity to share, we run the risk of losing this helpful balance.

So, while you actively discuss topics such as finances or parenting, consider cracking the seal on a conversation on marital intimacy.  It is a gift of God to marriages…that must be stewarded.  So…steward away.

Editors Note: The purpose of these conversations are to foster mutual enjoyment and respect in marital intimacy.  No venue or discussion should be used to manipulate a spouse to take part in something that he or she is uncomfortable with.  Remember, the goal in these discussions is to edify your spouse and serve your marriage…not edify yourself and serve yourself.

 

By Rob Flood

 

Recently, one of my children was skimming the top of a pool with a skimmer.  The pole must have been about 10 feet long.  While having his concentration fully engaged on the pool, he was oblivious to the long stretch of pole behind him.  With no malicious or pre-meditated intent, he nearly knocked two children into the pool.  Thankfully, no one got pushed in.

 

But it did make me think of the damage we can cause when we are reckless or careless…even unintentionally.  A recent study[1] done at Simmons College in Boston tracked the wide-reaching affects that conflict has on children who witness it.

 

Researchers found that adolescents who reported increased family arguments at age 15 had an increased risk of major depression, alcohol abuse/dependence, drug dependence and antisocial behaviors at age 30, compared with peers who didn’t report more family arguments. And those with more family strife had twice the risk for being unemployed as adults.

 

Those who reported exposure to family violence by age 18 were significantly more likely than peers to have a mental disorder, drug or alcohol abuse or dependence, lower self-esteem, and lower overall life satisfaction at age 30.

 

We can sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that our conflict only impacts those we aim it at.  But selfishness and anger, which lie at the root of our conflict, are not instruments of precision.  They are not highly accurate rifles.  Conflict functions much more like a hand grenade. 

 

When we throw it at our opponent, our enemy, shrapnel flies in every direction often inflicting pain and damage on unintended targets.  And, too often, those are our children.

 

Yet our conviction and sorrow over the damage we cause our children don’t often cause us to adjust the problem.  Many times, we work hard to exchange our grenades for precision instruments of anger.  This is not the answer.  What are we to do is our conflict is hurting those around us?  …work at peace.

 

We might declare that we are not the cause of the conflict.  We are simply married to someone who fights with us all the time.  Maybe we think it is the fault of our contentious teen.  Well…maybe.  But Romans 12:18 removes the blame game altogether.

 

 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

 

If there is no other channel, be the channel of God’s grace into your home.  Allow the young standers-by to observe and experience grace as they see it in you.  Don’t pull the pin on the anger grenade.  Lay down the sniper’s rifle. 

 

Not only will this have a profound impact on your own joy. …not only will this impact your marriage.  But this will also have an immeasurable impact on your children…now and into their future.

 

 

By Rob Flood

 

When I think of marriage and TV news, thoughts of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie come to mind.  Even recent headlines about Mel Gibson flash before my eyes.  Well, if you share these same flashes, I’ve got something different for you today.

 

KARK, a local station in Little Rock, AR experienced an up-close look at a wonderful moment.  Anchor Courtney Collins was the recipient of an “on-air” marriage proposal from fellow reporter, Pete Thompson.

 

Simple.  Eloquent.  Edifying.  Public.  For a little sentimentality, encouragement, and a walk down Memory Lane’s nearby off-shoot, Romantic Road, watch the video below.

 

 

(Our 4 years of living in Little Rock are only partially responsible for the Arkansas focus of this video.  One thing is for sure…local news down there is sure different than local news up here.)

By Ramona Doyle

My husband and I have five children, and though our oldest daughter is now married, we’ve realized that we are still a long way from the proverbial “empty nest.” Those children remaining at home range in age from twenty all the way down to nine. Looking back, we have such fond memories of all the fun times we’ve shared, but looking ahead we take note that we have many more active years of parenting.

 

Now if your family is anything like ours, child #1 received hours of attention, and participated in everything from story hour at the library to baby swimming lessons and preschool music programs. When child #2 arrived, Mom and Dad’s time was a little more stretched, and the lessons and activities were divided between the kids. Then there was child # 3 …What was his name again? Oh yes, that was the one who taught himself to walk. J Obviously, I’m being a bit facetious here, but truth be told, sometimes the younger children can get a little lost in the mix.

 

We want all of our children to grow up to love the Lord and serve the church, so we’ve realized we can’t afford to coast during the second half of our parenting adventure. Because of the make up of our family, what we do may look different than when our older children were young, but it needs to be every bit as intentional. Here are some of the ways we are seeking to finish well with regard to parenting:

 

·        Take time to plan and pray – Once or twice a year my husband sets aside time for us to get away to evaluate the needs of our children and family. We discuss and pray for each child and set goals for the next season. We also evaluate our parenting and seek to make appropriate adjustments.

 

·        Learn from others – We try to be intentional in building relationships with others who are parenting with excellence that we might learn from them and give them a window into our parenting. It has also served us to reread good parenting books and regularly listen to good teachings we’ve collected through the years. How easily we can forget…we need a steady diet of wisdom and truth!

 

·        Don’t forget family devotions – We weren’t always faithful in this area, but as we’ve made this important discipline a priority, we’ve been amazed at how the Lord meets us, how much the kids look forward to it, and how easy it is to do devotions even with a wide range of ages. Some of our most cherished family memories have come from these times.

 

·        Involve all of the children in the life of the family – Having older children to help with the daily grind can make it tempting to leave the younger ones to themselves. And sometimes I would rather just “get done” with a task rather than take time to involve a child. I’ve started inviting my nine year old daughter to make dinner with me each evening. What a wonderful opportunity, not only for her to prepare to one day care for her family, but also to build our relationship and have yet one more context to point her to the Lord.

 

·        Cling to the Lord – We are weak and easily grow weary, but He is a fountain of strength who promises grace for every good work.

 

There is nothing magical these specific things.  They are just practices and reminders that have served us through the years.  Yours may look different…and that’s okay.  The most important thing is that we as parents remember that coasting is not part of our job description…and we need others around us to caution us when we start. 

 

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

By Rob Flood

Have you ever noticed that marital conflict never ends where it began?  When a conflict starts, it may be about something careless word or thoughtless deed.  But when it ends, it somehow seems bigger…like more is at stake.  Why is that?  Let me suggest that more is at stake, and that is why it feels that way.

Whenever a couple enters conflict, suddenly “one flesh” feels at risk.  We are not meant to contend with one another...to be at war with ourselves.  So, when we are, it’s about far more than the subject matter…it’s about “us.”  It’s about “what we are.”  It’s about “who we are.”

And when this uncertainty, when this awkwardness is allowed to continue, it defines our relationship and infiltrates the rest of our lives.  Nothing really seems right when marital conflict is allowed to fester and unresolved marital tension is allowed to remain.

Enter: God’s Word!

Ephesians gives us such clear instruction here…non-compliance is nothing but naked sin.  God lovingly instructs us through Paul when he writes:

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27)

If we allow the sun to go down on our anger, it does far more than prolong a conflict…it gives an opportunity to the devil.  And once that opportunity is offered, it is most often accepted.  I hear you…I hear you.  “What if my spouse doesn’t want to resolve it before going to sleep?”

Enter: God’s Word!

Again, God instructs us through Paul when he writes 

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. (Romans 12:18)

Our obedience is not contingent upon someone else’s obedience.  If you are angry…in conflict…so far as it depends on you, live at peace.  If your spouse is not open to it, you can then release the conflict to God and plead with Him on your spouse’s behalf.  I hear you…I hear you.  “What does that even look like?”

Enter: Sara Groves!

Sara Groves has a song about marital conflict on her album, “The Other Side of Something.”  I personally recommend the album if you like her music.  The song is below, but here’s the bottom line:  you take the initiative to resolve the conflict.  There are no guarantees of how it will turn out…but that’s not the point anyway.  The point is that your contribution is audibly owned, that you express your desire for peace, and that you release everything else to God.  Her song paints this so well.

Roll to the Middle

by Sara Groves

We just had a World War III here in our kitchen
We both thought the meanest things
And then we both said them
We shot at each other till we lost ammunition

This is how I know our love
This is when I feel it’s power
Here in the absence of it
This is my darkest hour
When both of us are hunkered down
And waiting for the truce

All the complicated wars
They end pretty simple
Here when the lights go down
We roll to the middle

No matter how my pride resists
No matter how this wall feels true
No matter how I can’t be sure
That you’re gonna roll in too
No matter what, no matter what
I’m going to reach for you

 

Posted by Rob Flood

 

Some of us have decades behind us in our marriage and some have weeks. Some are excited about the road they’ve traveled…some devastated by it.  And some are eager for more while others can’t imagine traveling even one more step down the road.

 

Too often, in our potentially well-motivated desire to understand the road ahead, we can allow the past to define our future.  If the past is bright, we assume that the future will be.  If the past is bleak, then so too the future will be.  When we fall into that trap, we’ve lost sight of the central truth upon which the success or failure of the future rests…the presence of God.

 

Consider this quote from Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci:

 

Regardless of how many miles you’ve already traveled, so much of the glorious adventure of marriage is still before you.  Whether you are enjoying open road and clear skies, or whether you are struggling up yet another mountain in stormy weather…whether you are just pulling out of your driveway or nearly to the end of the trip home…God is there with you to help you finish the journey, and finish it well.

 

If the road behind you has been bright, are you able to see the hand of God preserving you on your journey?  If it has been bleak, can you see His sustaining and comforting hand?  He was there…each step of the way.

 

And He will be there for your next step.  The brightness or bleakness of the road ahead is not best determined by the circumstances.  It is determined by the nearness or farness of God.  And whether the skies are clear and sunny or overcast and stormy, God will be there.  He has promised to be.  He has a proven track record of being there in the past.  There was a man upon a cross upon a hill slain to purchase us for God.  He did not purchase you only to abandon you…or your marriage.

 

So, regardless of the condition of the road ahead, look for God.  He will be there leveling the path…and holding your hand as you navigate the rocks.  Don’t take my word on it…take His:

 

Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you.

I will not leave you or forsake you.

Joshua 1:5

 

 

I am with you always, to the end of the age. 

Matthew 28:20

Posted by Rob Flood

As perfect as I thought marriage was going to be, I didn’t account for one important truth: I’m a sinner.  And, to be honest, I forgot another one: so is Gina.  And so, there we were…young, inspired, and in love…surprised that we each took our pride into our marriage.

With the wounding of our pride, apologies were slow to come and taking responsibility for our initial difficulties wasn’t something either of us was eager to do.  Now, 13 years later, we see the folly of our ignorance.  Yet, we still sometimes get caught up in our own pride and are surprised by the unavoidable reality of sin.

I find my own heart adjusted by a quote from J.R. Miller’s book formerly called Home-Making, now called The Family:

Pride must have no place in wedded life.  There must never be any standing upon dignity, nor any nice calculation as to whose place it is to make the apology or to yield first to the other…The pride that will never say, “I did wrong; forgive me,” is not ready for wedded life. (p.27)

-   Never any standing upon dignity: How we look in a given conflict or situation should not rise to the front of our minds nor the center of our hearts.  As husband or wife, we need to see this for what it is…pride.  Any concern for managing how we look in a given situation is what Miller means by standing upon dignity.  We’re called to a love that has less of “us” in it than that. 

-   Whose place it is to make the apology: Our pride is such a funny thing.  We can know with all certainty that we’ve committed an offense and still delay an apology because, according to our perception, our spouse’s offense is greater.  Oh how we deceive ourselves.

Pride does not readily say, “I did wrong.”  And it never allows itself to come humbly before another and ask forgiveness.  Which is why Miller says that pride must have no place in wedded life.  And yet, here we are, married and prideful.  What are we to do?

First, simply call it what it is…pride.  Learn to recognize it.  It has a harsh tone and a sour odor.  It often starts by tasting sweet, but always ends with bitterness on the palate.  Once you recognize it…track it.  If you’re anything like me, you’ll be surprised by how often it rears its ugly head.

Next, war against it through confession.  Confess to your spouse and your God each time you see, taste, or smell it.  Don’t tire of this good work…it is a tireless battle that demands courage and endurance.

Last, destroy it with humility.  Don’t wonder whose place it is to make the apology…jump on the opportunity to do it first.  Don’t seek ways to make yourself appear better…confess wrongdoing that your spouse would have no knowledge of without your confession.

Miller’s counsel is the most sound.  He says pride has no place in wedded life.  In other words, leave your pride at the door.  If you’ve allowed pride to come in the front door, then get tough with it and kick it out the back door…or a window.  Upon its demise, you will find that a far more tender love has come for the task of a God-centered marriage…for the glory of God.

Posted By Rob Flood

It is a wonderful thing…to be known by our spouse. To feel understood…to know that you are truly loved…as you are. For some, this reality comes and goes. For still others, this is just a hope…a wish. For these people, marriage is not a place where they are truly known and loved, but a place where they are judged…misunderstood…taken for granted.

And so, we hold out hope that things will change. We long to be understood…to be truly loved…as we are. We long to be known and not rejected. The longing is a right one to have…we were designed by a loving Creator to be known and not rejected…to be loved as we are. And, though it is a wonderful thing when it happens with a spouse, marriage is not the primary place that this knowing and loving ought to occur.

Consider Psalm 103 for a moment. If you have the time, read the whole thing. (You won’t regret it.) If not, at least consider these verses:

6The LORD works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. 7 He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. 8 The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. 9 He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. 10 He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. 13 As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. 14 For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

To be truly known…and truly loved, we are to turn to the Lord first. We are to see his righteousness and justice on our behalf. We are to see his mercy and grace, his patience and love directed toward us. We are to see our sin, yes, but moreso his kindness in not repaying us according to our iniquities. We are to see that he knows our frame…and that such a great God considers just how lowly we are…and has compassion upon us.

We are to see these things and rest. Rest, knowing that we are known. Rest, knowing that we are objects of mercy and grace, not wrath and condemnation. When we were unlovable and opposed to God, God loved us and drew us near. As high and as far as we can imagine, so great is God’s steadfast love toward us.

It is a wonderful thing…to be known by our spouse. To experience the grace and mercy that comes in a truly knowing and understanding marriage relationship. How much greater is the joy, the peace, the comfort of resting in the great knowledge of Christ. He knows are frame, our flaws, our sin, our weaknesses. And, in the face of those, showers his children with love, compassion, and longsuffering. Truly, this is all we could ever hope for. Praise God for hope…and his provision in fulfilling that hope. How great is our God.

Posted by: Rob Flood

This week, couples from around the northeast will gather in Hershey, PA to attend the Sovereign Grace Marriage Conference Marriage and the Mercy of God.  Many couple from our church will be in attendance.  In an effort to declare our dependence on God, I’m including a series of prayer items.  Whether you are going to attend the conference or not, please consider reading the items below and praying for God to move mightily.

Please pray for the conference, that:
- God would protect attendees in their travels.
- God would speak through the messages of those speaking.
- The speakers would hear clearly from God and be sensitive to how the Spirit may move.
- Those serving behind the scenes would experience the joy of the Lord in their service.

Please pray for those attending the conference,  that:
- Husbands and wives would arrive humble and prepared to hear from God.
- Marriages that are doing well would listen with an intent to apply.
- Marriages doing poorly would be healed and restored.
- Each couple would experience the mercy of God in their marriage.

If you are attending the conference, please pray that:
- God’s grace would abound in your marriage.
- You would seek to apply what you hear to your life first…with humility and dependence.
- God would protect and guide the conversations you and your spouse have.
- You would be sensitive to ministry opportunities for other couples.

As we pray, may God has mercy on our marriages and on each husband and wife.  And may we seek to grow in godliness that God’s glory might shine forth through our marriages…and beyond.

Posted by: Andy Farmer

The promises and claims of God’s word give us confidence to pray and tracks to pray along.  When we pray, ‘in Jesus name’, we are simply saying that we believe we are praying according to his will.  And his will is revealed and confirmed by his Word.  As John Stott reminds us, what greater power do we have with which to pray than the eternal word of God!

“We need to win the battle of the prayer threshold. To help me persevere in prayer, I sometimes imagine a very high stone wall, with the living God on the other side of this walled garden he is waiting for me to come to him. There is only one way into the garden – a tiny door. Outside that door stands the devil with a drawn sword, ready to stop me. It is at this point that we need to defeat the devil in the name of Christ. Hat is the battle of the threshold. I think there are many of us who give up praying before we have tried to fight this battle. The best way to win, in my experience, is to claim the promise of Scripture, which the devil cannot undo.” - John Stott. Authentic Christianity p. 225-226

PSA 119:89  Your word, O LORD, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens.

Posted By: Rob Flood

Tonight, we enter a new year.  Many seize this annual opportunity to reflect on changes they want to make in their lives and goals they want to achieve in the upcoming year.  This is a healthy and fruitful endeavor.  One that is good for marriages and good for the soul. But what if we try something a little different this year?

What if you looked back and saw the faithfulness of God in and through your marriage?  What if, even in difficult marital environments, you went on a hunt for how God used this year for the growth of your soul and your love and dependence on Him? 

With that in mind, let me commend to you a small project.  If you are part of the first camp, the one whose year has not been a crisis year, consider answering the following questions.  These are meant to help you see through small obstacles and conflict and assist you in seeing the way God has moved in your marriage and in the marvelous gift of your spouse. (You’ll notice the questions are in 1^st and 2^nd person.  You are the 1^st…your spouse is the 2^nd.)

- What were the qualities that attracted me the most to you when we first met?

- What qualities do I appreciate or have learned to appreciate most about you since we have been married?

- How have our differences helped me grow spiritually or emotionally?

- What steps will I take to commit to love you more effectively this year?

Now, with those answers, consider writing a letter of New Year’s Gratitude to your spouse.  Don’t type it, even if your handwriting is as bad as mine.  And don’t mail it…read it to him/her.  Good and sincere gratitude is a wonderful blessing to any marriage.[1]

But what if you are in the 2^nd camp?  What if 2008 marks a difficult and devastating year for your marriage? Well, consider answering these questions.

- What areas of my heart / soul have been hurt this year?

- What has God revealed about me through this trial?

- What has God revealed about Him through this trial?

- What promises is God calling me to cling to through this trial?

Now, with those answers, consider writing a letter of New Year’s Gratitude to God.  Once written, use it throughout the year to refocus your eyes on the cross and on a faithful God.  Pray for the eyes and the faith to thank Him for what He’s allowed and to press more and more into Him as you walk forward by faith.

For everyone, please be sure to take the time to reflect on areas of growth needed for the New Year.  But, consider thanking God for 2008…regardless of what 2008 brought. 

Posted By Rob Flood

I fancy myself to be a fairly proficient painter.  My work has been on the walls of each of our homes.  Actually, my work has been the walls of each of our homes.  And my brush looks a whole lot like a roller.  When it comes to artistic painting, to fine art, I am most definitely not your man.

Yet the fine artist uses many of the same tools as I do.  The artist uses the same paint as I do.  Yet, in his hands, a canvas sings.  In my hands, even the brushes scream.

It’s the same with words as it is with brushes.  There’s nothing fancy to words, but when they are placed on the right tongue, or spoken from a right heart, words sing.  Consider Proverbs 15:23:

To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!

No one in my life carries more weight in words than my spouse.  A word spoken harshly can demolish an otherwise joy-filled day.  A word spoken in love can rescue a day lost at sea.  Her apt answers bring joy to this man and her words in season are good indeed.

In each of our lives, there are areas that repeatedly challenge our joy and our faith.  For some, it may be their jobs.  For others, it may be friends or family.  For still others it may be holiday seasons, or anniversaries of a loved one’s death.

As the husband or wife of a spouse facing trial, consider this a call to action.  You’ve been given a paintbrush and even though you may only paint walls, God is calling you to paint a masterpiece of grace and encouragement in your spouse’s life.  You hold an incredible power in your tongue.  And there are areas where your spouse regularly struggles for faith…for joy.  So, raise them up through purposeful and loving encouragement.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths,
but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion,
that it may give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4:29

True encouragement, the type that is received the way it is intended, is like a three-legged stool.  Without one of these, your efforts to raise up your spouse are in jeopardy.

1.  Study your spouse:  Identify areas where they are in regular need of encouragement.  Discover the way in which your spouse best receives encouragement.  Some people prefer to have their issue called out into the open while others like to discover it for themselves.  And answer this very practical question: at what time of day will your spouse best receive encouragement?  Choose wisely.

2. Pray for your spouse:  The heart is truly encouraged when God acts upon it.  Ask God to bring lasting encouragement to your spouse.  Ask God to enlarge your spouse’s faith.  Pray for Spirit-led opportunities to encourage your spouse.

3. Speak to your spouse: Yes, eventually you will be called upon to encourage your spouse with the great power of words. 

You may be like me…a great painter of walls but a disaster at art.  However, your words in the Master’s hand will create masterpieces of grace and encouragement in your spouse’s life.  And, through your loving encouragement, you will be used of God to raise up the countenance, faith, and gaze of your spouse. 

 

Posted by: Rob Flood

On November 18^th, Gina and I celebrated our 13^th wedding anniversary.  Like birthdays and New Years, anniversaries offer a time to reflect on a variety of things.  One thing that both of us have been pondering is how much greater our love is now than it was 13 years ago.  Oh, we were in love then, but the love is more pervasive now…more encompassing…more tangible…more real.

And so you can understand my initial disappointment when reading Matthew 22:30:

For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.

I quite enjoy my relationship with my wife…we’re both still depraved sinners.  I could get very excited thinking of our marriage in the absence of sin, or signs of aging, or diminishing cisterns of energy.  Marriage in heaven would be incredible!  But, according to Matthew (and Mark and Luke), Jesus disagrees.

I’m comforted that the scholar who penned the ESV Study Bible notes for the Gospel According to Matthew understands my plight.

This teaching might at first seem discouraging to married couples who are deeply in love with each other in this life, but surely people will know their loved ones in heaven (cf. 8:11; Luke 9:30, 33), and the joy and love of close relationships in heaven will be more rather than less than it is here on earth. Jesus' reference to “the power of God” suggests that God is able to establish relationships of even deeper friendship, joy, and love in the life to come. God has not revealed anything more about this, though Scripture indicates that the eternal glories awaiting the redeemed will be more splendid than anyone can begin to ask or think (cf. 1 Cor. 2:9; Eph. 3:20).

This causes me to stop and listen to what I’m actually saying.  I’m saying that a discovery about Heaven disappoints me.  That somehow, from my very limited, very temporal, very sin-stained perspective, what we have now will be superior to what God has for us in eternity.

And then it hits me.  Not only is my thinking of the joys of Heaven limited, but my thinking about marriage is limited, too.  The very thing that marriage is meant to depict will be a fully-realized reality in Heaven.  My entire relationship with Gina, and yours with your spouse, will be fulfilled.  And, once fulfilled, God has something even better in mind for the redeemed.  What that could be is very hard for me to imagine as what He has currently given is so incredible. 

In the end, I’m reminded of another truth that humbles me.  I am often very guilty of thinking too small.  My eyes can focus on the now, especially when the now is either really bad…or really good. 

John Piper nails it in his new book, This Momentary Marriage, when he says:

There never has been a generation whose general view of marriage is high enough.  The chasm between the biblical vision of marriage and the common human vision is now, and has always been, gargantuan.

The infinite God is infinitely kind to His weak, small-minded, finite creation.  In our failure to view marriage highly enough, He allows us to enjoy real love…real fellowship…real companionship…in this momentary marriage.  That’s kindness.

So, I will look forward to Heaven with eyes of faith that God has something more grand for His redeemed than my small mind can handle.  And to my lovely wife Gina, I have one thing to say…ENJOY ME WHILE YOU GOT ME!

Posted by: Rob Flood

I hate roofs. No, not the concept of roofs…I’m thankful for that. I just hate being on roofs. From the second my foot touches a shingle to the second it touches the earth, I feel like I’m going to fall. (Thankfully, we now have a rancher…very kind of God.)

Shortly after we moved into our previous home, a friend asked me what the condition of the roof was. I assured him everything was okay. Of course, as you might have guessed, I had never been up there. But there were no leaks, no draft problems, so everything must be okay. However, to truly know the condition of the roof, actually going up and looking at it might be a good place to start.

So, let me be that friend to you…how’s your marriage? “No leaks…no draft problems…it must be okay.” However, just like a roof, if you wait for problematic symptoms to arise, the fix is so much harder and the damage so much greater. How much better to know about a problem before it finds you.

Knowing the state of your marital union is an important protection in all marriages. This requires a few simple, but crucial, elements:

- Scheduled Communication: Set up 3-4 evenings spread throughout the year for the sole purpose of discussing the state of your union. The same questions each time can serve in fresh ways, since no marriage is exactly the same even three months later. Or, pick four main topics and cover just one topic each evening. Topics such as communication, family schedule, intimacy, and parenting can serve as conversation starters.

- Humility: Each of you needs to be prepared to share some potentially difficult things with your spouse. The degree of your humility in sharing will often determine how well it is received. Also, you need to be prepared to hear some hard things about places where you may be falling short. Accepting that you are quite capable of falling short (and may be really good at it in some areas) will serve your marriage.

- In-Between Conversations: It’s not good to save ALL of your constructive marital conversation for these special times. A culture of open communication as a standard part of marital life will go a long way in helping the state of your union remain good. This requires an atmosphere where it is safe to share. Humility fits perfectly here.

Two closing thoughts.

Guys, the impetus for this rests on you. As the God-appointed leader, it will be you to whom God looks for an answer to the state of your union. Open up your calendars and make room for the most important earthly relationship you have.

Ladies, even though the onus rests on the men, you have been given to him as a helper. Guys as flawed as we are need to know when we are drifting, or missing it altogether. You have a front row seat to the state of your union. Tell your husband, in humility of course, where you feel a conversation or a time of prayer would be helpful.

Each year, the President of the United States longs to be able to say that the state of the union “is good.” Such ought to be our goal. Our calling is higher and our union more important. Though the government is given to us as provision from God, our marriages reflect His relationship with His church. With the stakes as high as that, it is important that we know the state of the union.

Posted by Rob Flood

Everyday in our home, Gina is called to the same task, multiple times. She is called to respond out of mercy and not out of revenge. She is called to live with this sinning husband and look favorably upon him, loving him despite the sin she sees. She is called to have mercy in marriage…and mercy for marriage.

The word “mercy” is defined as follows: compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power.

Note the ingredients required for mercy. First, there must be an offending person. Someone has to do something wrong. Second, there must be an offended person. This is the person that the offending person offended. Then, the offended person must add the last ingredient of compassion. So the equation looks like this:


We’ve all been the offender, so we’ve got that one covered. Recalling a time when I offended someone, my wife in particular, is not a difficult task.

We’ve all been offended, so we’ve got that one covered, too. Think back to the last time it happened to you. As I think back, I don’t have to go very far for that one either.

Even with the Offender and the Offended in place, however, we do not yet have mercy. Look again at the equation…we’re missing the final ingredient. Now, if the Offended brings the final ingredient of anger, the equation comes out differently.


If the Offended brings the final ingredient of self pity, we have yet another equation:


But, if the Offended brings the final ingredient of compassion, now we’re cooking:


We would do well, as spouses, to consider not how often we’ve received offense but just how often we’ve given offense. And not just offending our spouse, but our God, who has never been the offender and yet has boundless mercy upon us.


As married sinners desiring to extend the mercy of God, how can we grow in mercy? How can we apply to our spouse the mercy we’ve received?


Richard Sibbes, in his book The Bruised Reed, wrote:

It would be a good contest amongst Christians, one to labour to give no offence, and the other to labour to take none. The best men are severe to themselves, tender over others."

So, whether you register for and attend the conference or not, let’s take part in the good contest of laboring to give no offense, laboring to take none, and laboring, finally, to look severely upon our own tendency to offend and tenderly upon others’ tendency to offend.

And, don’t forget to bring the compassion…it is the key ingredient.

Posted by Rob Flood

Meet Justin and Paula. They’ve been married for nearly 15 years, most of which have been wonderful years. Recently, though, conflict has been the order of the day. Not war-to-end-all-wars conflict. Just little skirmishes here or there over this small thing or that. Right now, as you read this, they are at the end of another conflict. Paula is in the privileged position of being right…there is no doubt left for either of them that Justin is wrong.

As they go back to their neutral corners (Justin to the TV room and Paula to the bedroom), they both realize that they don’t feel any better now than when the whole thing started. Justin’s not supposed to feel better…he was proven wrong. But Paula won the fight…the joy of vindication and accomplishment is quickly fading and she’s feeling unsettled again…as usual.

Why does Paula still feel hollow and Justin still feel defeated?

Might I suggest an answer? Could it be they’re competing for the wrong prize and, to their own detriment, actually winning it?

You see, Justin and Paula, in their recent history of combat, have been fighting to determine who is right and who is wrong. And the winner is the one with the high ground of the facts being on their side…the right one. But the prize never makes good on the promises it makes.

Determining who is right and who is wrong will never resolve marital conflict. Let me repeat that. Determining who is right and who is wrong will never resolve marital conflict. You see, in order to “win” the chronic fight that they are engaged in, they must turn away from each other and then turn on each other. They have to set themselves up against each other and then attack each other. Someone must “win” and someone must “lose,” and that is no “win” at all.

Think of it another way. We were once embattled against God. Who had the moral high ground? Who had the facts on their side? Well, that would be God. But that didn’t resolve the problem…it WAS the problem. The enmity between us was resolved only by a cross. It was resolved by love and by mercy. It was resolved out of grace. This is what Justin and Paula need.

They need motivations that are for the betterment of the other. They need to be willing to be wronged and love anyway. They need to be willing to be right, but not make that the main issue. If there is enmity between them, resolving the enmity is the goal…not proving who is right or wrong.

It’s not that the facts don’t matter, but they only matter in the greater context of the right prize…the prize of holy oneness. When oneness is the goal of a marriage, suddenly turning on each other is folly…not a strategy. It is destructive…not victorious.

When Justin and Paula understand the need for the cross to have its effect on their marriage, their warfare will be transformed. They will no longer be fighting against each other, but alongside each other after the proper goal of oneness.

And, by the way, the cross will have the same effect in your marriage, too. That’s what the cross does…it destroys enmity and replaces it with grace.

Posted by Rob Flood

We normally reserve this space for practical tools or glimpses at the culture. However, every so often, it is helpful to step back and feed our souls on some good marital theology. As you read, reflect on the goodness of a God who would use marriage to reflect His glory.

Genesis 1:27 makes an amazing and potentially confusing statement:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

We can all admit that there is something about the union of a man and a woman that uniquely reflects God’s image. Ever wonder what that is? Below are four ways that God’s image is uniquely reflected in marriage.

Men and Women are Created Equal – People are equal in value and in dignity, regardless of gender. One gender is not a better or higher creation than another. The union of co-equal people reflects something unique about the Trinity.

Each member of the Trinity, God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, are equal in value. One is not “more God” than the others. And all three are joined together into one. This is the core of the saying, “the two shall become one.” When people get married, God joins a separate man and a separate woman essentially into one being that functions as one…a reflection of God’s image.

Men and Women Have Different Roles – Yes, they are equal, but that does not mean they are the same. They are valued the same, but not given the same responsibilities. Gender is a poor basis for judging one’s value. Yet, in marriage, gender is one of the main distinctions for different roles. His wisdom in creating man first, then woman, and assigning them roles accordingly reveals an intentionality to God’s purposes.

God the Father has a different function in the Trinity than God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. As equal persons function in unity, but function differently, they reflect the image of God.

A Man’s Role Reflects the Love and Leadership of Christ – Ephesians 5:25-32 plainly lays out before men their job description in marriage: “Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” A man who truly fulfills his calling as a husband is directly reflecting the image of God in the love, care and protection of Christ over the church.

Throughout the Bible, the love and care of God for his people is a key theme. From the pillar of fire leading them through the desert to the tender promise of Christ, declaring that He’ll never leave nor forsake his church, faithful love and guidance are characteristic of God. This type of care from God to His people speaks volumes of God’s character. And a man has the distinct duty and privilege of reflecting that part of God to the world.

A Woman’s Role Reflects the Serving and Submission of God – There is a term attached to the creation of woman in Genesis 2…it is the term “helper” or “helpmate.” This is how God designates her role in the life of her husband. The wife is to be the helper of the husband.

We may think that this term is secondary or demeaning. Quite the opposite. This term, “helper” is used many times to refer to God Himself. In as much as the man’s role reflects Christ’s relationship to the church, the woman’s role reflects God’s care for His people. By using the same title given to God Himself, the woman as she fulfills her call to be a helper, reflects the image of God.

Additionally, several places in the Bible reveal that Christ, who was fully God, submitted to the will of the Father. Perhaps most notably, in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ’s prayer, “Not my will but yours be done” reveals this amazing truth. (Luke 22:42)

Marvel along with me at the wonder of God. Marvel that we get to be a part of what He does through marriage. And then turn and treat your marriage in accordance with this amazing fact.