By Rob Flood

In a blog from July 8^th, Al Mohler discusses a couple touchy questions:  Does having children make us happier?  Should having children make us happier?  And he does it by launching from a series of studies and articles from New York Magazine.

In her article titled, “All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting,” Julie Senior writes the following:

“From the perspective of the species, it’s perfectly unmysterious why people have children,” writes Senior. “From the perspective of the individual, however, it’s more of a mystery than one might think. Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so.”

Mohler then summarizes some statistical findings from the article:

According to the data, parents are less happy than non-parents, parents of infants and toddlers are especially not happy, single parents are less happy than married parents, and mothers are less happy than fathers. Except, that is, when it comes to single fathers, who are the most unhappy of all.

Mohler never contends with Senior’s findings.  What he does is set them in the context of a Christian worldview:

The Christian understanding of children and parenthood just doesn’t fit these categories. The first problem is the isolation of happiness as the major concern. Interestingly enough, the Bible doesn’t seem overly concerned with human happiness.

The second problem is the fact that marriage and children now appear on our cultural screen as personal choices, rather than as the norm and expectation.

The third problem has to do with the changes in parenting that Jennifer Senior documents in her essay. From a biblical perspective, these are not healthy changes. When children gain control of the household, the home is robbed of order, health, and peace. The child is robbed of what he or she needs most — a loving parent who is undeniably in authority.

Christians must see children as gifts from God, not as projects. We should see marriage and parenthood as a stewardship and privilege, not as a mere lifestyle choice. We must resist the cultural seductions and raise children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and understand family life as a crucible for holiness, not an experiment in happiness.

And when it comes to happiness, we must aim for something higher. Christians are called to joy and satisfaction in Christ, and to find joy in the duties and privileges of this earthly life. Every parent will know moments of honest unhappiness, but the Christian parent settles for nothing less than joy.

It raises the question for us: Are we happy in our parenting?  If we’re not, could the very reason for our unhappiness be found in the words of New York Magazine?  …or even, perhaps, the small areas of wrong thinking that carry much weight in our joy? 

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.

(Psalm 127:3)

Note: Mohler’s entire post is worth the read and can be found here.

Why Are Parents So Unhappy? by Albert Mohler

By Rob Flood

Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again. (Philippians 1:25-26)

Paul has arrived at the conclusion that, for him, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If he lives, he continues to bear fruit in the mission Christ has set before him. If he dies, he rests from his labors in the eternal rest of his King and his Savior.

He becomes convinced that he will remain living and not die to be with the Lord just yet. But he remains, not out of resignation, but with distinct purpose. His life, lived in the fullness of the gospel, will be lived for the purpose of others. It will be lived for their progress in the faith and their joy in the faith. His words, actions, and affections will be sown into the Philippians for their progress and joy.

We have been joined with others in life. Some of us through natural birth, some through new birth, some through marriage and some through the birth of our own children. And, as Christ tarries, we know we will continue with all of these people in our lives.

As we labor daily for the health of our marriages, what will give definition to our efforts? As we learn new boundaries of our weaknesses and limitations in our parenting, will we allow God himself to define our purpose as parents?

When we live for the progress of others, we strive for their godliness and growth. We want what is best for them in the Lord and we want it for them. We do not pursue this so that our marriage or home is better, but so that they would know the true person and character of God more fully. But if we do this absent a goal for their joy, we run the risk of embittering them toward God. We risk setting up our love as an achievement goal rather than something that we freely offer. Wanting the progress of our spouse or our children is insufficient.

When we live for the joy of others, we strive for them to experience the gladness of God in their lives. We want them happy. We want them to enjoy the life they live. Again, not just because their happiness leads to our own, but because our love desires their joy for them. But if we do this absent a goal for their progress in the Lord, we run the risk of living lives defined by whether those in our lives are happy with us. We risk seeking their joy at the expense of their godliness.

Paul’s understanding of a life purchased by Christ led him to one conclusion: if Christ tarries, my life will be purposed for the progress and joy of others. Either one or the other might be a simple endeavor. But to accomplish both…that is a task of divine proportions.

When we continue with our children or our spouse for their progress and joy in the faith, we bring adjustment without anger. We bring concern without judgment. We bring levity and relatability without compromise. We fan the flame of the one without smothering the other. The call is not optional…we receive it if Christ, in his wisdom, tarries and leaves us remaining on earth.

While not optional, the call is humbling. It is far beyond us. So we must pray. We must repent when we breech the balance. We should fall on our faces in gratitude when we achieve the balance.

God graciously gives us this filter through which we may evaluate our motives and methods. Knowing that our lives are to be lived for others’ progress and joy in the faith gives us a wonderful tool. The result: those in our lives will have “ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus.”

By Trish Donohue

I'm currently reading the kids "Anne of Green Gables".  It's a stretch for the boys, but I promised they'd like it, despite its lack of explosions and guy stuff.  And they do.  If you haven't read it, Anne is an orphan girl adopted by a pair of elderly siblings who ends up changing the small town through her charming personality.  She gets herself in "scrapes", but always comes out even more lovable than before.  You can't help liking her.

What makes her such a great main character?

• She's passionate about everything:  Nature, learning, friendships.
• She's incredibly imaginative, turning simple life into magical fantasies.
• She's smart as a whip and even her outbursts are insightful.  Her descriptions are stirring, her rhetoric is flawless, her recitations move the town to tears.
• All this, and she remains for the most part a faithful, simple girl.

After reading the book, you want to be like her.  But the fact is, few of us are.  Most of us are, truthfully, not that exceptional.  We're not moving people to tears with our oratory, we're not changing the world with our natural cheer, we're not winning first prize at anything, and we think of good retorts only after the conversation is over.  Some of us are dull, even downright awkward, and pretty un-Anne-like.

Who would bother putting us in their story?

Flip open to 1 Corinthians 1:

For consider your calling, brothers:  not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth.

Ouch, but true!

But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.

God chose us.  The Author chose us.  Like Moses, Jacob, David, Peter, Mary Magdalene, and so many others on His leading character list, we're hopelessly flawed.  But He chose our slow tongues, our dull minds, our checkered pasts, and incorporated us into His story.  Not only that, but He adopted us orphans as His own children.  Amazing!

The passage ends like this:

And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord".

It doesn't matter if I'm not impressive:  It matters if I'm "in Christ Jesus".  It doesn't matter if my kids aren't winning blue ribbons and charm contests:  God chooses even the weak.

Unlike the books that we enjoy, what matters in this story isn't the quality of the characters, but the quality of the author who, in this case, really is worth boasting about.

By Rachel Gonzales

I am so very thankful for the wonderful Christian friends the Lord has brought into my life. He has been kind to grow friendships that are an integral part of His work to make me more like Him.

Recently, I used one of my “phone a friends” in a now humorous situation. But at the time it was a bit stressful. My youngest and her hair again…here’s what happened.

My two daughters and I were getting ready to leave for an appointment. We were at the “need to leave in 20 minutes” mark when my youngest, in an attempt to be helpful, came into my room and said, “Mommy, something happened.” She then turned around and revealed her matted, mangled mess of hair…with a brush handle sticking out of it. The round brush she decided to use to brush her hair was so stuck that it did not even move when she turned around. I tried to stay calm as I quickly checked my watch and evaluated the situation. I began working on the mess and realized that scissors could be in our near future. I worked on her hair for a few minutes and then realized that freedom for this brush was going to require a bold move…the bathtub.

My frustration was rising. I knew this was just a mistake, made because she wanted to be helpful. I was trying to figure out how late we would be to our activity. I was trying to imagine her with a cute, short bob as I worked to keep my voice in check. And then God nudged me to use a “phone a friend”. So I called my sweet friend and asked for prayer, knowing that just making the call was God offering me accountability for this situation.

Well, after the tub and half a bottle of conditioner later, my littlest still had most of her hair. I did find some amusement in the size of the tangle I was working on in light of another time God had used my daughter’s tangled hair to get my attention. Read about it here: 

http://www.covfel.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=52015&articleId=9285

But it was the “phone a friend” that God kept bringing me back to. The most immediate need at the time was for me to keep my cool and not to lose my patience over a mistake, over her attempt at being a helpful “big girl”. Obviously I didn’t want to have to cut her hair, but the length of her hair is not really a huge deal in the big picture of life. My reaction to life, however, is a big deal, especially to my girls. My reactions will teach them how to react. My actions do speak very boldly about what I believe about our Lord. It’s hard for the gospel to be on display when I react sinfully to life’s circumstances.

God used my “phone a friend” to help keep me in check. He used it to offer me help in exhibiting the fruit of the spirit to my daughters. I needed the accountability He offered to demonstrate patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. That day, accountability came through a friendship of His growing. Thank you, Lord, for the gift of friendship.

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works…” 
                                                                                                                   Hebrews 10:24 

By Rob Flood

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just ask questions about what to do with our children, get the answers, and have everything work wonderfully?  Wouldn’t that make a great blog?  Well, it might make a popular blog, but not a great one.  A great parenting blog in the Christian world does not contain answers on what to do with your children.  It contains thoughts on how to think of your children.  It contains insights on how to understand and believe God for your children. 

This focus, how to think of your children and how to believe God for your children, is an important focus when it comes to entertainment choices.  While some things are clearly off limits and wrong, most forms of entertainment that draw our children are not as clear cut.  Coming to conclusions on these subjects is less like a fact-finding mission and more like unearthing an artifact.  It is not quick and to the point.  It is more like careful work, dusting and preserving what we’re after.

In a recent blog, C.J. Mahaney wrote on children’s use of video games.  I believe you will find it helpful as you seek to unearth and dust off the very personalized, nuanced path of parenting for each of your children.  Here is that blog. (click here.)

Also, let me recommend reading or rereading Chapter 6 from the Worldliness book.  In it, Jeff Purswell helps us see the world with biblical eyes: not as entirely good nor entirely wicked.  He challenges us with statements such as:

A biblical worldview sees every moment of life lived under the sovereign grace of God and the enabling power of the Holy Spirit. Scripture’s story is emphatic: God’s rule extends to all of creation and therefore to all of our lives.  As Abraham Kuyper famously put it, “There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: Mine!” (p. 156)

This is a helpful approach to thinking about the world…those things that fall in the gray.  While there is no “one size fits all,” the principle of Christ’s lordship…therefore his ownership…is unwavering.

May God guide you as you discover his will for your family as it relates to video games…and the million other areas where we, as parents, must walk by faith.

By Chris Radano

Editor’s note: Chris is getting married in two days. This is the last blog we’ll post from him as a single man. Looking forward to what inspires him in marriage. Congratulations Chris!


March,1996, my bag was packed, the minivan loaded up, and the luggage secured amidst the bitter cold wind of the Pennsylvania winter. The only motivation to drag me out of a warm college dormitory was the anticipation of beaches, parties, and a scorching Florida sun. Yep, I was one of many college students off to Florida looking forward to the “traditional” college spring break experience. Now nearly a decade and a half removed from college, I found myself looking forward to a completely different spring break experience: a week spent in New Orleans with the college age ministry students of Covenant Fellowship Church to serve another Sovereign Grace Church, Lakeview Christian Center. For a week we would be doing servant outreach projects to the community in New Orleans, through yard work, distribution of Alpha fliers, and evangelism to the homeless. This is the kind of spring break that wouldn’t have even been in my periphery back in my younger days. The reflection of my college years led me to ponder a few things on a deeper, spiritual level.

First, it was a reminder of the change in my life orchestrated by the Holy Spirit in bringing repentance and transforming grace, and the sacrifice of Christ making this possible. This is no small reflection, and I don’t intend to downplay its significance. In fact, I am happily reminded of this change often. However, another interesting but less intuitive benefit of my reflection was how it provoked me to ponder the role of families in telling the gospel to the next generation. Perhaps, not an obvious direction, allow me to explain how I got there....

Being aware that many of the students with whom I spent the week in New Orleans in service spent their years growing up in church, fourteen years ago would probably place them in the first or second grade. I thought of how these students as children were introduced to the gospel, Bible stories in Sunday school and home, talking about Jesus, and (maybe!) even recipients of godly discipline. Regardless of whether or not they received Christ as Savior in those years, parents were faithful to their call and role in training their children in the ways of the Lord. Proverbs 22:6 reads “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Now, those same children are men and women leading worship, sharing words of encouragement, praying with passion for one another, and telling homeless people about Jesus. They are grown up, serving the Lord in ways perhaps their parents could only have hoped to imagine. To me, (and I hope to parents) this was another one of those living, breathing reminders of how God uniquely uses parents’ labor in teaching their children the gospel, to produce the fruit of selfless, God-glorifying service for the Kingdom of God.

The exercise of reminiscing on my college years started as a humorous reminder of my comparative age, but ended giving me a new appreciation of the fruit of telling the gospel to the next generation and the role of parents in accomplishing this.

By Rob Flood

I remember awaiting the arrival of our first child. I had plans for the type of dad I would be, the type of child he would be, and what our relationship would look like. I had faith for it…I had confidence in it. …then he was born!

On night number two, he cried all night. I mean, all night. In less than 48 hours, my plan was out the window. I was not filled with faith and joy but with panic and fear. How do I stop this persecution?!? As he grew, and as the number of our children grew, my plan went further and further out the window, down the street and around the corner. For the record, it never made its way back.

The plan I drew up was a bit utopian: wonderfully compliant children who desired to love God, honor dad, and avoid sin. Now, to their credit, they do seem to love God, they do desire to honor dad, and they do desire to avoid sin. But they are flawed at it. And so is their dad. My plan didn’t include weakness in my parenting. And, as time goes on, I discover more and more of that overlooked ingredient.

So, what are dads like me supposed to do? How about moms who, like me, are weak? We still have the glorious responsibility of raising children to love and fear God. We still have the duty to engage their hearts, even if ours keep interfering. What are we supposed to do?

William P. Farley helps us here in his book Gospel-Powered Parenting. Rather than equip us with steps and techniques, he turns our attention to the only salve for weak parents: the gospel.

When we turn to the gospel, it transforms our weaknesses. “My grace is sufficient for you,” Jesus told Paul, “for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2Cor. 12:9). God has inserted his treasure (the gospel of the glory of God in the face of Christ), the light that converts our children, “in jars of clay.” We are those clay pots! He has done this “to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us” (2 Cor. 4:7). What wonderful news! God uses the imperfect efforts of gospel-centered parents to do his deep and abiding work in our children. In the meantime, the gospel frees us from the burden of perfection. (p. 219)

The application is wondrously simple.

1. We embrace the reality that we are clay pots. We don’t fight it. We don’t deny it. We don’t hide it. We wear t-shirts with arrows pointing up, saying: This guy is a clay pot!  We tell our friends that we are clay pots and we help they see that they are, too.

2. We thank God for his power. Our children are not condemned to “clay pot” parenting. They are confined to “clay pot” parents, but not “clay pot” parenting. God, in his surpassing power, will pour immeasurable treasure into their lives through these clay pots they call parents. That ought to make us thankful, indeed.

3. We act in faith. Yes, we are weak. Yes, we have cracks in us. But we have a God committed to using weak vessels to display his great power, love, and mercy.

Join me as I join Farley in shouting with joy: What wonderful news!

By Trish Donohue

My daughter wanted an ironing board for her fifth birthday.  No kidding.  She’d been asking for one for months. So my mother got her one.  It’s a little pink and white ironing board with a pink wooden iron, complete with a cut-out heart.  We set it up in the playroom, figuring she could iron the dress-ups.  But that wasn’t what she had in mind.  She wanted it upstairs beside mine. 

My ironing board isn’t nearly as cute.  It’s old and creaky, and looking at it doesn’t give me fluffy feelings. I use it as infrequently as possibly, usually 2 ½ minutes before someone needs to have a wrinkle-free piece of clothing on their bodies.  For me, an ironing board is a battleground: hot, steaming slab of steel versus deep stubborn wrinkles caused by clothes sitting in the dryer way too long.  Who’s going to win?  Yes, ironing is war. 

But not for Shannon.  She finds a random piece of clothing, sometimes her old blanket, and very diligently and cheerfully irons every wrinkle.  I thought it a little odd, seeing that she shares my gene pool, but I figured she just thought it was fun. 

One day as her arm was moving back and forth, she said, “Do you know why I like to iron, Mom?” 

“Nope, why do you like it?” I answered.

“Because you do it!”

Simple as that.  She wanted to iron because I iron.  She wanted to be like me, and do what I do.

Yes, it’s a Hallmark moment, a sweet moment, a moment to smile and smooch her chubby cheek.  It’s also a very sobering moment. 

I don’t iron very much, but she noticed that I do it, and she copied me. There are many other things she has opportunity to notice and copy:  the words I say, the tone I use, the way I look at my husband, the things I love, the things I hate, the time I get up, where I have my quiet time, if I have my quiet time, my expressions, my responses, my laughter, my anger, my attitude, my joy.

Children aren’t blank slates waiting to follow a perfect parental example—they are sinners in need of God’s grace. But they sure do learn a lot from us, and what a priceless, serious, wonderful opportunity we have to model godliness for them. 

The two ironing boards are still in my room, a little picture of the opportunity before me these days.  And a big sinner like me needs truckloads of grace to do it well—truckloads of help, of forgiveness, of God’s faithfulness that is new every morning.  But I’ve got it.

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. (2 Peter 1:3)

In Christ, I have everything I need to iron well.

By Ramona Doyle

When my husband does family devotions, our children, especially the younger ones, have caught onto the fact that they can get lots of his questions right by shouting out the answer, “Jesus!” They may not even know the actual answer to his question, but have found by experience that the answer of “Jesus” seems to work a good percentage of the time. And so when in doubt, they will usually try that answer first! Granted, even when that answer works, they may not really understand the complexities of the point Bill is trying to make, but in their youthful zeal, they have stumbled upon a great truth with relevance to every area of our lives… “Jesus is the answer.”

How often do we find ourselves in the midst of a difficult day, a sudden trial, or with an unplanned need and instead of first looking to Jesus who is the source of all hope and help, look to our own strength and resources. I can be guilty of this. I can assume (sometimes very subtly) that because I have resolve, or because I have lots of energy, or because I have skills in certain areas… I can make it through a given situation. Then, instead of allowing my weakness to point me to the One who is the source and supply of all strength for every need and circumstance, I self-sufficiently rely on my own resources, meager as they are (and always will be!). Sadly, when I do this, I miss wonderful opportunities from the hand of my Savior to draw from the boundless resources of his mercy, kindness, strength, and joy.  I also miss seeing Jesus magnified in my eyes as I appropriate the help and care he so readily makes available.

In reality, there is nothing in our lives that doesn’t have to do with Jesus. And it has helped me in the midst of my daily situations, to make certain basic assumptions:

1. Jesus is the source. Every circumstance in my life is lovingly designed by my Savior for my good and his glory (Romans 8:28-31).

2. Jesus is at work. He promises to use every circumstance in my life to further his purposes for my life (2 Corinthians 4:16-17).

3. Jesus is the answer. When I seek him first and center my life on his ways, he promises to supply all of my needs (Matthew 6:33).

Starting with these assumptions helps me direct my hope and efforts where they rightfully belong—upon the One who is sufficient in every need and circumstance. I don’t need to understand all of the complexities of my situations to experience great hope and help from the Lord.  All I need is a humble and dependent heart that looks first to Jesus. (Right answer!)

By Ramona Doyle

As the school year winds to a close and the level of school-related activities in our family slows, my mind begins to shift to the months ahead…and my first thought? I’m ready for a vacation! How kind of the Lord to give us these months to slow down, take a break from the demands of our children’s busy school schedules, and enjoy the beauty of His creation. But if I’m not careful, my “vacation” could easily undo the very things I’ve spent all year trying to build in my children and family.

During the summer months, I can be tempted to kick back, take each day as it comes, and forget about any type of order in my home. Eager as I am for a break, I can’t take a vacation from building relationships with my children, parenting, or serving my family.

Through the years I’ve found that taking time at the beginning of the summer to plan for the summer months yields lasting fruit in the lives of my children and family. Abandoning all sense of schedule and purpose during summer days has never served us well. So I’ve tried to plan days that are purposeful, flexible, and yes—even fun, and usually include the following components:

• Time for devotions – Though my husband usually leads family devotions after dinner, helping my children take time in the morning to pray and read scripture is a valuable discipline that points their hearts and minds to what is most important and fosters dependency on the Lord.
  
  
• Time to read – My kids participate in our library’s summer reading program and I build an hour of reading into their daily morning routine.
  
  
• Time to practice – For my kids this involves practicing piano and often working on some fun language arts/math related skills or games. They enjoy the challenge and can more easily hit the ground running in the fall! “Summer activity” books are available in many drug or office supply stores this time of year.
  
  
• Time to help around the house – We involve our children in various household tasks—from keeping their rooms tidy, to helping with the family laundry, cleaning, and yard work. Left to themselves, they can so easily become self-focused and independent. This helps reinforce an “others orientation” in their hearts and builds them into our family.
  
  
• Time for fun! – It’s summer! We try to take time each day to enjoy something that shout’s “Summer!” Swimming, playing in the sprinkler with friends, going to the park, freeze pops, and making summer treats with mom have all been big hits. And once a week or so we try to do something a little bigger—maybe berry picking or a trip to the zoo.
  
  
• Time to serve – We want our children to be aware of the needs of others, and especially use the summer months to involve them in serving others…meals, yard work, or even a cheery card to encourage.

Girl Talk has an outstanding series packed with creative ideas for making good use of the summer months. It’s called “Sweet Summertime” and can be accessed HERE..

By Rob Flood

Note:   On Fathers Day, June 20^th, the pastors set aside time to pray for the fathers of our church.  We are aware of the calling on fathers and the responsibility they have before God, and we are aware of some of the temptations that accompany that calling.  We respect the men of this church and how they embrace that calling in their families.  Below is the prayer that I prayed.  We, as a Pastoral Team, pray that God would meet you personally and specifically in your greatest weaknesses…displaying his greatest strength.

God, you are worthy.  You are worthy forever and ever and ever more.  As one small portion of the multitude, today, Lord, we bow before your throne and declare that you are worthy!

And before you, oh Worthy God, we ask that your favor would be on each father who is here today.  You tell us to ask, and it shall be given to us.  And so, Worthy God, we ask that you bless the fathers.

Bless us, Lord, with conviction.  Conviction for what you’ve called us to.  Conviction for the lives we lead when no one is around.  When no eye can see us, give us conviction to live for your eyes alone.  Conviction, Lord, to lead in our homes.  Under you, Oh God, that burden is easy and that yoke is light.  Give us clear conviction on what you’ve called us to.

Father, give us conviction to love our children when times are difficult: to love them as gifts from our heavenly Father, to love them not according to the circumstances, but through them.  Give us conviction Lord, that this task is beyond us if we are not abiding in you.  Prick our hearts, Oh God, when we become independent or fleshly, that we would return to the true vine and abide in you as we parent our children.

Then, Father, give us courage.  When we know what is right to do, give us the courage to do it.  When our convictions are unpopular, give us courage to do them anyway.  Cause our hearts to trust in the same God that called Joshua to courage, when you said, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”  You have called us to fatherhood, God.  You will go with us.  Give us the courage to trust in your promise.

Lastly, Father, give us faith.  Faith that fuels our conviction.  Faith that fuels our courage.  Faith that we are not left to our own strength, our own wisdom, our own devices as we father.  But faith that you, God, go with us!  And that you open the storehouses of heaven for your children as we walk with you.  Open those storehouses for our children.  Faith that leads to peace and not anxiety.  Faith that you will not just meet us…but meet our children.  When we cannot see the fruit of our labors, God increase our faith in you. 

Give us abundant faith in the one, true God…who is worthy to be praised forevermore.

by Trish Donohue 

Someone is staring at me as I write.  He’s a black and orange Flyer’s player, made of Lego’s and standing on my end table.  Although I’m sure he’s supposed to be vicious, holding his stick so seriously, he’s actually very cute and his orange eyes seem to be smiling at me.

He must not know about Stubey the hamster dying today, or his orange eyes would be crying, like some eyes in our house were earlier.  A friend, no matter how small and furry, is a hard thing to lose.  

Fortunately, we had ice cream sandwiches on hand, which lessened the grief better than any bouquet of flowers ever could. 

Little snapshots at the end of the day:  Flyers Guy, an empty hamster cage, and an ice cream sandwich wrapper that was supposed to be in the trash.  Together representing the joys and tragedies of childhood, the highs and lows of the growing heart. 

Do these snapshots hold any value?  Do we file them under “trivialities” or “childishness” and turn the page quickly?

Jesus says, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.  Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

And so it is with our children.  Jesus knows and cares about the tiniest details of their lives, and orchestrates events that point them to him.

A Flyers game, with its jubilant cheers and agonizing disappointments, is an arrow pointing to God.  Where do we put our hope?  What makes us most excited?  What victory do we dream of?

A hamster’s death, with appropriate tears and questions of hamster heaven is an arrow pointing to God.  Time flies so quickly.  What will heaven be like?  Why do things die on this earth?

An ice cream sandwich, with its hydrogenated, processed yumminess and brown cookie crumbs glued to your teeth, is an arrow pointing to God.  There are blessings and treats on earth that come from the hand of a fun-loving, food-loving God.

Do we lecture our kids about all these truths and turn every event into a sermon series?  God, keep us from it!  But help us to seize the opportunities you provide, and wisely show them that you are the end of all they seek.

By Ramona Doyle

When I turned on my vacuum cleaner recently I noticed a strange phenomenon… the more I vacuumed, the worse the visibility in the room I was trying to clean.  Dust clouds were rising, feeding the growing suspicion that the bag just might be full.  I found more dust packed around the bag than inside the stuffed overflowing bag itself.  It literally filled a tall kitchen bag!  An hour later after I finished cleaning my cleaning equipment…

Ok, you ask…how does a veteran homemaker miss it by that much?  Well, I didn’t.  My kids (now we’re all smiling) had been doing the household cleaning for me following a surgical procedure requiring me to take it easy for several weeks and this was the first time I had vacuumed in two months.  Look at the bright side (at least it got bright once the dust settled :-) …my children faithfully cleaned my home for 8 weeks!

Lesson learned…when you involve your kids, things can get messy really fast!  Of course, I say that tongue in cheek.  But if you are like me, there can be the ongoing temptation to just “do it yourself” with regard to the home.  It’s much easier and more effective to cook, clean, do laundry and manage keeping the house running ourselves.  Our sense of accomplishment can be easily tied to what we can check off our lists, and incorporating our children into the mix just isn’t very efficient.  BUT (you knew that was coming, didn’t you!), as I’ve watched my kids grow (now 27, 21, 17, 13, and 10), I’ve learned that what is momentarily expedient may not serve long-term in light of the Lord’s ongoing call for me to train up my children.  And, I don’t want to be ruled by my desires for order and control in my home; rather, how wonderful to know the joy of fulfilling the Lord’s call for me to care for my home in a way that truly expresses the heart of God for my entire family.

As we involve our children with us in the ongoing stuff of our lives we not only create opportunity to build, deepen, and strengthen our relationships with them, but also create new contexts for the Gospel…opportunities through relationship to look the awe inspiring love of our Savior gave himself that we might be freed from our selfishness, sinful hearts to love and serve Him forever!  Our children grow in their appreciation for what it takes to keep our homes running and learn to sacrificially serve others even as our Savior took the form of a servant to care for us.  And they learn valuable skills that will serve them throughout their adult lives.

Dishes may get broken, the lawn-mower may spend time in the shop, dust storms may occasionally invade the tranquility of your day, but the kingdom of God begins to invade our family life and reap long-term fruit in the lives of our children.  “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox” (Proverbs 14:4).

By Rob Flood

School is coming to an end and the summer awaits.  Without school, much of their daily schedule has become open.  How ought we fill that during a summer?  The answers to that question are endless and varied according to each family.  Here are just a few ideas on constructive and fun uses of time this summer:

• Relational Education:  Without the math books crying for our attention, there is opportunity to work more purposefully on relationships in the family.  A book like The Young Peacemaker is a great place to start.  But even in the absence of an actual curriculum, seizing opportunities to work on the relationships in your home can pay dividends for years.
  
  
• Elective Education:  Sometimes, the rigors of required classes don’t afford families the opportunity to pursue topics of personal interest…individually or as a group.  Perhaps your child has a fascination with the weather or with a specific animal.  Or, perhaps there is a skill he or she has wanted to learn.  The summer provides wonderful opportunities for learning that will come more naturally and be more fun.
  
  
• Home Projects:  Even younger children can often handle an exciting project like painting their own room.  If you have lots of newspaper and drop cloths, involving older toddlers can still be a wonderful use of summer time. 
  
  
• Bible Study:  The summer also provides a great break from normal work flow and allows children (even parents) to pursue a biblical topic or Christian book they’ve wanted to know more about.  Maybe it’s a certain book of the Bible, or a person from the Bible.  Or perhaps it is a topic from church history or a specific doctrine.  After some reading and research, sharing these things with the rest of the family can involve everyone in what each person is learning.
  
  
• Fun:  Perhaps more than any other time of the year, summer provides a break from pressure and deadlines and allows for free fun.  Consider saying yes to more spontaneous ideas that the children come up with.  They may want to do an unplanned bike ride or park visit.  They may want to bake cookies or paint clay.  There are less reasons during the summer to say no…which means there are more reasons during the summer to say yes.

School is coming to an end and summer awaits.  How will you spend your summer?   Consider filling it with planned fun…and spontaneous fun.  And remember that the extra time summer affords gives wonderful time for spiritual conversation.  Your children have spiritual thoughts…conversation can help you discover them.  Even in the heat of summer.

By Mark Prater 

Editor’s Note: This past Sunday, Mark Prater included the following comments on parenting in his announcements.  Our hope as pastors is that our focus as a church would be on faithfulness to the gospel in parenting rather than a search for the magic formula or special technique.  We strive for godly character in our children…not just moral behavior.

One of the things we treasure about our life together as a church is our families  We love to celebrate marriage and we believe that children are a gift and blessing from God.  And because of that, we view parenting not only as a responsibility to be fulfilled but also a privilege to be enjoyed.

You can see our church’s commitment to children in the way we do ministry around here.  We have Promise Kingdom every Sunday morning where we endeavor to bring gospel-centered teaching to our children.  And we have commitment to continue teaching them through the teen years though our youth ministry called Cross Culture.

As important as the church’s role is in the lives of the children, it is not the most important role.  That role is reserved for parents.  The biggest responsibility we have as a pastoral team is to come alongside and equip parents for the responsibility to parent the children God has given them.  That’s why parenting is an important value here at Covenant Fellowship Church: to help the parents in their parenting.

If you’re new here, you should know that we are endeavoring to be parents who are faithful to the gospel, not only in the instruction we give or in the way we understand and raise our children, but also in the living example we are attempting to be in our homes.  We know that the greatest way we will fulfill our responsibilities as parents is to be faithful to the gospel as we raise our children.  Our focus in parenting is on faithfulness and not on the specific fruit that can come from parenting.  The reason for this is that real parenting fruit is ultimately up to God.  We do the sowing and we tend to the watering, but God provides the growth.

The key to parenting is not finding and using the right parenting techniques, even though we must use them and work hard at parenting.  The key to parenting is being faithful to our children and to the gospel.

And this is where we need one another as a church.  Jill and I have loved parenting, but it’s also the hardest thing we’ve ever done.  Parents in our church need our encouragement, our prayers, and our counsel.  So let us be a church who not only parents in community, but also feels a shared responsibility for the next generation.  And let us help one another to be faithful parents.

A Truly Good, Successful Day

By Deb Demi

Editor’s Note:  I came across a blog that Deb Demi did awhile back that we’ve never run so I thought it would be a great to share it this week. 

I have a tendency to be a very task-driven person.  So to me a good day is one in which I get a lot of stuff done and have a lot to show for my effort.  And unfortunately I can measure the success of my day by physical productivity, not necessarily by doing what God values most.

A few months ago while I was shopping in one of my favorite department stores I became aware of an employee in the section that I was shopping in.  She was working very diligently hanging up clothes, rushing here and there to return misplaced items, being very intent on making sure that her department was in tiptop condition.  As she was in the midst of her tasks, a customer approached her to ask a question.  Instead of responding politely, she was very curt and answered in a snarl.  Another customer met a rebuke as she inadvertently returned an item to the wrong spot.  Immediately my judgmental heart began to say, "Doesn't she know that she's here to serve us?  If it weren't for us customers she wouldn't have a job.  Would her employer appreciate her diligent work if they knew how she was treating the customers?"

But almost as quickly as those thoughts entered my head, conviction came rushing in.  Suddenly I saw myself in that woman.  I saw myself at home diligently working at completing my endless lists of tasks.  I was reminded of the way that I snarled at one of my kids who asked me to help them get a drink… how I responded when I walked into a room that was a mess.  The way that I impatiently brushed off my husband's affection because I was in the middle of slicing bread…  How I saw cleaning the refrigerator as more valuable than playing a game with my kids…  Yes, I can be very much like that woman.

There is nothing wrong with me completing tasks and making my home a comfortable environment for my family.  But, when I forget why I am doing these things, I end up doing them for my own satisfaction rather than for my family.  My family becomes an interruption rather than the objects of my affection and I forget the calling that I have received… to love my husband and to love my children. 

Yes, when we put being loving towards our family ahead of checking off everything on our to-do list, we may not get everything done.  But as we trust God by doing what He has called us to do, He will be glorified and our family will feel loved.  And when those things happen, it will be a truly good, successful day.

By Rob Flood

 

Editors Note: On Saturday, April 17^th, Andy Farmer gave an excellent message to our teens on the role of the Holy Spirit in sanctification.  (Listen to the whole message here.)  Following Andy’s message, there was an Extra Point for the parents.  The following blog comes from that Extra Point. (You can listen to the whole Extra Point here.)

 

In order for us to be born again, we must be “acted upon” by God.  We face the giant opponent of sin and it is too great and too strong for us to attain victory on our own.  We need help from the outside…we need to be acted upon by the grace and mercy of God.

 

Too often, we can agree with our need to be acted upon in our salvation, leaving our sanctification to our own efforts.  And we can fall victim to the fallacy that parenting is something different from sanctification.  However, a short pensive moment will illumine our error.  There are fewer things that will further our sanctification more than parenting. 

 

So, in our sanctification…in our parenting…we need to be acted upon from the outside.  We need the grace and mercy of God to act upon us for our success.  Much like our battle with sin, we are not adequately equipped for the battle in our souls that parenting lays before us.  Yet, in our isolated pride, we often close the door to the main path of grace and mercy that God desires to use: others.

 

In parenting, God takes us to the precipice of what we can do on our own…and then He orchestrates circumstances that push us over the precipice into a free fall.  I have found that is a decent explanation of parenting:  quickly approaching the precipice of what I can do on my own and then, daily, being pushed into a free fall by the circumstances presented to me.

 

So, what is God up to by inflicting that type of pain on us as parents so frequently?  He is positioning us to be acted upon from the outside.

 

SPOUSE

Perhaps the outside is our spouse.  As our children get older, I’ve become more aware at how much I rely upon my wife’s help with my heart and with help in what to do.  She has articulated the same to me.  In the last year, I’ve received more calls at work to help her with parenting than I’ve received in all the prior years combined.  Why?

 

First, our kids are getting older and their issues are more nuanced and our clarity is more elusive.  But second, and perhaps more importantly, we are recognizing more and more our need to be acted upon from the outside.  We seem to be up to the task of parenting less and less and in need of being acted upon by each other more and more.

 

So, here’s a couple of questions as it relates to your spouse:

1. Do you see them more as a help in your parenting or do you see them more as a critic to your parenting?
2. Do you attempt to be a help in your spouse’s parenting or do you attempt to be a critic of their parenting?
3. Where do parenting conversations normally go: to unity or to conflict?
   1. The answer to that question may help you to answer the previous questions.

 

But being acted upon from the outside could go beyond our spouse…

 

COMMUNITY

In our need for help, sometimes both of you are in equal need.  Remember, in this Christ centered view of sanctification, we do not have what it takes and need his grace.  And his grace often comes through others.

 

But do others know where you are struggling?  Do they know that your toes are hanging over the edge? Do they know that you are in a free fall?  If they don’t know…how will they be able to help?  In our pride, we hate to admit that we don’t have what it takes to parent our children.  We hate to admit that parenting circumstances have gotten the best of us and are beating us.  Why?

 

It is the humility that comes from conviction of sin that qualifies us for saving grace.  Before being born again, at some point, we have to see that sin is too big a foe and that we are too weak an opponent.  We have to admit that we don’t have what it takes and that we need help from the outside.

 

So, I have some questions for you in this, too:

1. Are there areas of your parenting that you are unwilling to share with people outside your family?  If so…why?
2. When was the last time you willingly brought someone into a parenting struggle you’re having?
3. When was the last time you offered help to someone you know is going through a difficult season of parenting?

 

CONCLUSION

We are in desperate need to be acted upon by the God of mercy,  the Spirit of renewal, the richly generous Jesus Christ.  And, too often, the only thing standing in between us and the thaw is our own pride of wanting to be utterly and totally sufficient in our parenting.  Together, as a church family, let’s embrace the reality of the precipice staring us right in the face…and let’s open up our lives and our hearts to receive help from the outside.

 

By Rob Flood

 

This past Easter Sunday, Jared preached a wonderful message on Acts 3. Listen Here ; As an illustration of our propensity to trust in lesser things rather than Christ, he pointed to the volatility of the current political climate.  Regardless of which side of the aisle you are on, a trust in politics to save the world from its troubles is a misplaced trust.  He said that public policy will never fulfill what only Christ can fulfill.  It’s not that public policy is unimportant.  It’s just that public policy is insufficient for the task.  Law does not renew all things; Christ does.

 

As he went through that illustration, my mind quickly shifted to our families.  There are many people in the Christian world that proclaim the “key” to raising godly children.  Some assert that more restriction and less worldly interaction will produce more godly children.  Others assert that less restriction and more engagement with the world will produce the godly children we want.  Some claim homeschooling will do it;  some claim public schooling will do it.  And the assertions continue on many fronts: television, circles of friends, versions of the Bible, recreating past eras of history, discipline, devotions, etc. 

 

Regardless of which side of the “aisle” you may be on as it relates to any of these issues, they all ultimately fail us.  It’s not that they are unimportant.  It’s just that they are all totally insufficient for the task.  While they may produce a certain type of child behavior and family atmosphere, none of these pursuits will produce godly children.  They simply cannot.

 

Christ produces godly children.  It is the work of the Spirit of God pouring His mercy and grace upon our children that makes them godly.  And the truly humble parent knows this.  When a child turns out godly, humility demands that parents fall in worship and wonder.  Worship that God would grant his grace to our children; wonder that they turned out godly in light of our parenting.

 

This is what Paul is getting at when he addresses the Corinthians’ propensity to be on opposite sides of the aisle.  There were divisions among them over which teacher to follow.

 

For it has been reported to me by Chloe’s people that there is quarreling among you, my brothers.  What I mean is that each one of you says, “I follow Paul,” or “I follow Apollos,” or “I follow Cephas,” or “I follow Christ.” (1 Corinthians 1:11-12)

The quarrel is bound to be damaging and fruitless because it cannot address the real problem.  That’s why he returns to it in chapter 3:

 

What then is Apollos?  What is Paul?  Servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each.  I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. (1 Corinthians 3:5-6)

As we view our children, we must continue to plant and water.  And we must make the best choices we can as it relates to social engagement, schooling, entertainment, etc.  God gives wisdom in these areas.  However, we must constantly be wary of our propensity to trust in these things.  Though they may contribute to planting and watering, they do not…they cannot…give the growth.

 

What then is Apollos?  What is Paul?  What is Mom?  What is Dad?  Servants through whom they believe, as the Lord assigned to each.  Dad planted.  Mom watered.  But God…God…gave the growth.

 

And praise God for it because our limitations don’t give a sunny view of the future for our children.  But God’s boundless and infinite power, grace, and love give great hope…and are worth to be the object of our trust.

By Rob Flood

Having children is a wonderful blessing.  Wonderful.  However, it is also a challenging blessing.  Challenging.  We have a tendency to think it’s hard because of them, but sometimes the most difficult part of parenting is dealing with the side of us that we see and have to deal with.

We can often vacillate between not caring what they think of us to caring too much about what they think of us.  This is not a light-hearted matter, but sometimes laughing at some very serious things is a bit of food for the soul.

Which draws my attention to a fun blog I read recently.  The middle of the blog reads like this:

After finding alcohol in her son's car [Jane] decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old son's misdeeds with everyone by placing an ad in the local newspaper. Her ad and the story it created made its way to the Associated Press where it was reported widely.

The ad reads:

OLDS 1999 car for sale. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. Call meanest mom on the planet.

The 48-year-old mom says she has fielded more than 70 calls from emergency room technicians, nurses, school counselors, and others all who wanted to congratulate her. "It's overwhelming the number of calls I've gotten from people saying, 'Thank you, it's nice to see a responsible parent.' So far there are no calls from anyone saying, 'You are really strict, lady.'"

Now, don’t take this as parenting advice.  Publishing your child’s misdeeds may not always be the best course of action.  However, do take this as encouragement.  Moms and dads make difficult and unpopular decisions daily.  And, if the judgment of our child’s happiness were our jury, we’d be guilty every time.  There is another arbiter, though.  

He is the one who has called us to this task and He is the one to whom we all must answer…for our parenting and for our lives.  

So, for all of the “totally uncool parents” among us…keep up the good work!

The cited blog, in its entirety, can be found here.

By Ramona Doyle

One of my sons recently completed a construction project for a school class: a soda straw and paper clip structure that would compete with those of other students to see which one could hold the most weight.  Before he even started the project I had already pointed out almost every potential mistake he might make, including his tendency to become distracted and procrastinate.  He finished his project on time.  He won.  He came home beaming with a $5 prize and I realized I had missed a huge opportunity.  Rather than encouraging his efforts and cheering him on to do his best, I became the prophet of doom.  Well not exactly, but I’m sure my admonitions weren’t very encouraging.

I am becoming increasingly aware of a subtle tendency to root my expectations for my children in things other than the Lord and his all-sufficient Word and work.  How easy it is to do this… we spend each and every day with them.  If we have large families, we’re surrounded!  We can be so acutely aware of past experiences, disappointments and hurts, and their sinful tendencies, as well as limits to our own strength and ability to parent well, and we can allow these things to inform our expectations of them.  When we do this it affects the way we view them, and as a result the way we interact with them.  We can make assumptions, have sinful judgments, self-sufficiently try to do what only God can do in them, and fail to recognize the Lord’s work in their lives and encourage them in it.  This can lead to discouragement on both sides.  And this doesn’t just apply to our children…we can do this with others around us—our husbands, our coworkers, and our close friends.

When we allow our experiences to inform our view of others we are ignoring some wonderful, hope-filled truth from the word of God.  Ephesians 2 reminds us,

“But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.”

The grace that pursued me in the midst of my sin is the same grace that is at work in my children as the Lord pursues them in the midst of their sin.  The grace I know as a child of God is the same grace the Lord lavishes on my children as they come to know him and learn to walk in his ways.  That is real Gospel hope, and clinging to it affects the way I live and the way I encourage.

Let’s daily fix our eyes on the source of our hope that we might live with great expectations.

By Jared Mellinger

I recently had a couple from the church over to my house and one of the main topics they wanted to talk with Meghan and me about was the topic of schooling options.  Specifically, how does the church view different schooling options?   

This decision is an important one and a sobering one for parents, because we know that we are responsible for the development and training of our children.  Often thinking about education leads us right toward the option of homeschooling.  But that doesn’t mean we must homeschool, or even that homeschooling is always the best option.  It does mean we need to oversee their development and education, whatever option we choose.   

The couple at our house that night was sharing some of the ways they have been able to get involved with the school and with unbelievers in their area by having a child in public school.  I got excited as this couple shared about the decision they made.  One of the great things about public school is the opportunities it gives to connect with the lost and reach out with the gospel.  In fact, I thank God that we have a growing number of people joining Covenant Fellowship who are strategically and wisely involving their kids in public schools.  Of course, I also thank God for the families who homeschool and send their kids to Christian schools, but you probably already knew that.

If you send your kids to public school, the main thing I want you to hear from me and the pastors is that we support you in your decision, and that we’ve got your back regardless of what you decide as you seek to please God in the education you chose for your children. 

We are not a homeschooling church.  If anyone tells you otherwise, you can send them this blog post!  We are not united around educational choices; we are united around the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

When it comes to educational choices, what is best will differ from family to family, and from situation to situation.  There is no one option that is ideal, or best for everyone, or most biblical.  Sometimes what is best will even differ from child to child.  Meghan and I like to say that we are taking it one year at a time.   

This approach to educational choices is one of the many things I really enjoyed about a parenting book I read recently, called Gospel Powered Parenting, by William Farley.  For several decades, Farley observed Christian families choosing different educational options for their children, all with different results.  This is what Farley says:

“The results [in our children] appear to have nothing to do with where the child was educated.  In my experience, there have been no qualitative differences in the spiritual output from home schools, Christian schools, or public schools.

The common denominator between success and failure seems to be the spiritual depth and sincerity of the parents, especially the spiritual depth and sincerity of the father.  There seems to be a strong correlation between the faith, commitment, and sincerity of the family’s head and the spiritual vitality of his adult children.”  (Gospel Powered Parenting, 15)

So, while we are not passionate about a particular educational option, we are passionate about a father’s leadership and intentional discipleship in the home, and we are passionate about the spiritual depth and sincerity of parents in every family at Covenant Fellowship Church. 

The best thing you can offer your children is not a rigid, one-size-fits-all conviction about educational options.  Rather, the best thing you can offer your children is your own personal example of deep commitment to Christ, love for God, and a passion for the church.  From there, pray for wisdom and seek counsel to honor Christ in all your decisions as parents. 

May God give us all the grace to please him in our decisions, to please him in our parenting, to please him in how we interact with others who have chosen different educational options, and to please him through our gospel-driven example in the home!        

By Andy Farmer

 

This past Saturday Jared spoke at our Cross Culture youth meeting on ‘Making Much of the Fifth.’ (Listen here) It was a great message exhorting the teens to see the grace contained in the Fifth commandment to honor parents found in Deut. 5:16.  He derives his message title from a quote by Thomas Watson,

 

“He in whose heart godliness lives makes as much conscience of the fifth commandment as of the first.”  (Thomas Watson) 

 

In our Extra Point for parent’s application, we looked at a parent’s responsibility in helping children “make much of the Fifth.” Extra point here. In his letter to the Colossians (mirroring his instructions to the Ephesians), Paul calls children to honor their parents followed by this call to fathers (and mothers):

 

Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged (Col. 3:21). 

 

We recognized that there is an operating assumption that our kids want to honor us.  Nothing shames a kid more than a parent whom he or she doesn’t think is honorable.  Your kids want to obey the Fifth because they love you.  And they want to obey the Fifth because they are learning to love God. 

 

In response to Jared’s message to the teens, here are Five Ways to Fuel a Fruitful Fifth in your Family

 

1.      Be united in your parenting approach.  In a home where parents are at odds over how to raise kids, things tend to break down into a debate over which parent is more right.  In a united home, the issue is not which parent is right.  It is whether the parents’ position aligns with God’s position.  Where this happens, there is clarity of care and leadership.  If the teen is struggling with parental decisions, he or she can make appeals, knowing that neither parent’s strong opinion will necessarily rule the matter. 

 

Being united may be more important in the long term than being right in every situation.  It’s easy to feel right and argue for it.  It’s hard to be united.  To be united takes listening; it takes humility.  It takes self-assessment.  It takes realizing that we’re wrong sometimes.  Believe it or not, you don’t always have to be right to earn your teen’s honor. 

 

2.      Leave room for emerging personality in your teen

 

One of the hard things to discern in parenting is whether a teen is fighting your authority or expressing personality.  Often it’s a mixture, but if we always treat our kids’ tendency to be independent as rebellion we’ll miss opportunities to help guide them into healthy individuality.  To cultivate honor in our teens we need to learn the art of wise guidance of who they are becoming and not seek to mold them into a pre-determined idea of what they should be.

 

3.      Be watchful of fear and frustration in your parenting

 

We portray in our words and actions the size of God and the character of God.  If we are parenting in fear we teach them that God isn’t really able to take care of his children.  If we parent in frustration we teach our kids that God is doesn’t have any room in his plan for our failure.  Besides prayer, the most important thing parents of teens can do is help each other guard their hearts.  If we see spouse falling into anger or fear patterns in relating to our teens we can help them retain an apprehension of the Gospel for themselves, so that grace is imparted to our teens. 

 

4.      Learn to be a voice in your teen’s life

 

Are we a mouth or a voice to our teens?  A mouth is always jabbering, always commenting, always opining.  A mouth always assumes the best way to handle things is through words – and the more the better.   

 

A voice is concerned with what it says and how it is heard.  A voice doesn’t want to just say things; it wants to make a difference.  Voices love to ask questions, help make sense, fill in meaning.  A voice realizes that sometimes direct confrontational words are necessary for the situation and that stating something to arrest behavior or address attitudes is the right approach.  But the voice never wants to be turned into a mouth.  Teens filter out mouths.  They open up to voices.  Let’s be a voice.

 

5.      Parent as if the teen years are transformation, not trial.

 

As we move through the teen years, it can be tempting to think that the ‘best years’ of parenting are behind us.  We can look back to those first steps, the first words, the adorable adulation that our kids showered upon us, and think that raising teens is the beginning of the end of family.  They seem to need us less, even want us less.  Home becomes the base of operations; the greatest need our teens seem to have is for food, transport, and communication with the outside world.  At times, parenting teens can seem like a trial. 

 

But it’s good to remind ourselves that the teen years are not about family ending, but about family maturing.  We’re all maturing – together.  For me as a parent, I realize that I can’t become what I’m meant to be without the process of my teen becoming what he or she is meant to be.  Our lives are forever linked in God’s plan.  I need the teenage years as much as my teen does.  As he or she matures, so will I; that’s how our amazing God works in families.  And we are all meant to look back at these years and see how they were truly formative for future generations of our family together.    

By Rob Flood

As a parent, I find myself praying for providential moments to have meaningful spiritual discussions with my children.  Sure, there are planned discussions.  These look like conversations around the table either in the morning over breakfast or in the evening over dinner.  But, to be honest, while I’m full of faith that God uses those times, I’m not getting jubilant “Amens!” from around the table at those times.

Then, of course, there are the spontaneous spiritual discussions that happen in the close quarters of an automobile or the losing side of a competition.  Those are sweet, but hard to measure.

Recently, the Floods have encountered Viral Spiritual Conversations.  I can’t say I recommend them…but they certainly qualify as providential moments.

This week, we are all taking turns dancing around the floor doing a hoe down with a stomach virus.  While this has happened before, something is different this time.  There is a tangible spiritual element to this visit of our pesky GI friend.

• The children have cried out for prayer, literally, as they have been overtaken.
• Questions of “why would God allow this” came from a few of them.
• Talks of distaste for the Fall were had.
• And, at least on one occasion, I can say the most significant spiritual conversation to date was had with one of my children as we waited for the virus to round 3^rd and slide into home.

So why blog on a stomach virus.  Surely, I’m not recommending one for your home…am I?  No…I’m not.  

I’m blogging on a stomach virus because it was just a couple weeks ago when my wife and I were talking about whether the children were actually understanding the gospel or the things we teach them relating to the gospel.  We felt a bit like inquirers with nowhere to go for a clear answer.  Then…WHAM!  Like a punch to the gut…or many guts, as is the case here…we see application in our children’s lives.  God, in his good providence, has revealed that at least some of the infirm in our home are connecting dots.

In your home, it may not be a stomach virus.  Maybe it’s the loss of a family fish, or the breaking of a favorite Christmas toy, or a sprained ankle just before the basketball game.  If God is sovereign, as we know him to be, he is using all our circumstances for our good.  As parents eagerly looking for signs of spiritual life in our children, we need to be looking for connected dots and spiritually informed questions…even during stomach bugs.

There are many kinds of spiritual conversations that ought to be happening in our homes as we rise up and when we lie down.  God uses them all…even the spiritual conversations that go viral!

By Ramona Doyle

 

Ever notice how easily the definition of “Mom, we’re out of food!” can change from person to person in your family?  Seemingly for each one, if a certain grocery item is absent then the pantry must be bare and starvation must be just around the corner.  For one child it’s OJ (it’s just not breakfast without OJ!) and for another it’s E. L. Fudge cookies.  I’ve even got one for which it is fresh broccoli—a rare breed, but don’t you love it!  My husband and I often chuckle at the comments we get over the “food thing” in our home, and balancing the wants, desires, needs, and grocery budget for our family can pose some interesting challenges.

 

But differences in personal grocery lists point to something more significant.  All of our children are different.  Their personalities differ.  Their strengths and weaknesses differ.  Their hopes and aspirations differ.  They each attach differing meanings to the situations of their lives.  Parenting in the midst of these differences can be daunting.  Competing desires and interests in our children can easily tempt us to parent on the fly—to satisfy the urgent needs of the moment and forget about the important.

 

Bill and I have seen the need for great caution as we seek to guide and direct our children’s hearts.  We want their lives—every part of them—to be informed and transformed by the power of the Gospel.  And so we need to visit and revisit our parenting standards often.  Without guiding principles in our parenting, we could easily miss instilling some of the most important and basic lessons and values our children need.

 

These are some of the considerations my husband and I hold foremost.  No matter what differing goals we have for each child in a given season, these standards inform them all:

 

1. Keep the Gospel first:  Every day affords new opportunities to highlight the wonder of God’s saving love for us in Christ.  Only in the Gospel will our children find salvation and power for true change.  Our kids need to hear it daily if they are to grow to define their lives by it.

 

2. Emphasize character:  Our children can easily be distracted by the latest cultural fads—things like clothing styles, music preferences, past-times, and patterns of communication.  They must know that character is ALWAYS more important than being cool.  And Godly character will inform and define their choices in this area as they grow in their love for the Lord and knowledge of his word.

 

3. Never let them doubt our love:  How easily we can be tempted to anger when dealing with our children’s hearts.  We want our children to be more aware of our love for them than our dissatisfaction over the state of their hearts.  Their first introduction to the Lord’s extravagant love for us is through our expression of love for them.  If our children are not aware of our affection, we may be missing something big!

God’s word is powerful (2 Timothy 3:16), and as we allow it to define our parenting, we can trust in his faithful work in the hearts of our children.

By Rob Flood

 

Have you noticed that there are many places where humility just doesn’t seem all that difficult?  We can have seemingly endless patience with some people in our Community Groups or other friends at church.  We can be out at a Target and have compassion on the person behind the counter.  We can be sitting in traffic and embrace the sovereignty of God.

 

But then we go home.

 

The endless patience evaporates for your spouse.  The compassion evaporates for your children.  Embracing the sovereignty of God feels much more like a wrestling match. 

 

Now, I’m open to the possibility that this difference is merely in my own life and that y’all are doing a great job.  However, if you’re even a bit like me, a question gets raised that needs an answer. 

 

Why is humility so much harder in our homes than it is nearly everywhere else?

 

We can, at this point, begin to analyze the causes and effects of our pride.  We might suggest that we’re home more than anywhere else so naturally we’ll fall into sin there more than anywhere else.  We might suggest that we have an expectation of serving self in our home and, when it gets invaded or threatened, we break out in pride.

 

As true as these circumstances may or may not be, there is an answer to this question that applies in all circumstances.  In moments where we lack humility, even in the home, we’re forgetting to apply a simple and well-known truth: the gospel.

 

I know…it can get to be a bit mind-numbingly redundant to keep saying, “the gospel.”  But don’t let the frequency of the word wear off the edges of its meaning.  In his book, Momentary Marriage, John Piper addresses the topic of humility and how it works in marriage.  He says:

 

The gospel of Christ’s painful death on our behalf has a way of breaking our pride and our sense of rightful demands and our frustration at not getting our way.  It works lowliness into our souls. (p. 56)

 

True and lasting humility only grows in the soil that rests in the shadow of Calvary.  And if we are going to manifest true and lasting humility in our lives, we must go to that soil, bend our knees and rest them on the turf there, and allow Calvary’s shadow to do it’s work on us…in us. 

 

True and lasting humility expresses itself wherever we are.  At church, in Community Group, in traffic, and at home.  When you truly possess this type of humility, it shows up in your marriage.  It shows up in your relationships with your children.  It shows up as you relate to your parents.

 

We’ve been told on any number of occasions that “home is where the heart is.”  If your heart has been humbled by the reality of Christ’s painful death on your behalf, then home is joyful because that is where the humble heart is.  If your home is the greatest stage for your pride and self-centeredness to shine in the spotlight, then perhaps you should plan a trip to Calvary.  There’s a shadow waiting for you there.

By Andy Farmer

As we look ahead to the Christmas here is a nice blog for your holiday thoughts on the whole Santa thing, written by Noel Piper at Desiring God.  You can access the blog directly at Thinking About Santa

Thinking About Santa

Over the years, we have chosen not to include Santa Claus in our Christmas stories and decorations.  There are several reasons.

First, fairy tales are fun and we enjoy them, but we don’t ask our children to believe them.

Second, we want our children to understand God as fully as they’re able at whatever age they are.  So we try to avoid anything that would delay or distort that understanding.  It seems to us that celebrating with a mixture of Santa and manger will postpone a child’s clear understanding of what the real truth of God is.  It’s very difficult for a young child to pick through a marble cake of part-truth and part-imagination to find the crumbs of reality.

Third, we think about how confusing it must be to a straight-thinking, uncritically-minded preschooler because Santa is so

much like what we’re trying all year to teach our children about God.  Look, for example, at the “attributes” of Santa.

He’s omniscient—he sees everything you do.
He rewards you if you’re good.
He’s omnipresent—at least, he can be everywhere in one night.
He gives you good gifts.
He’s the most famous “old man in the sky” figure.

But at the deeper level that young children haven’t reached yet in their
understanding, he is not like God at all.

For example, does Santa really care if we’re bad or good?  Think of the most awful kid you can remember.  Did he or she ever not get gifts from Santa?

What about Santa’s spying and then rewarding you if you’re good enough?  That’s not the way God operates.  He gave us his gift—his Son—even though we weren’t good at all.  “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).  He gave his gift to us to make us good, not because we had proved ourselves good enough.

Helping our children understand God as much as they’re able at whatever age they are is our primary goal.  But we’ve also seen some other encouraging effects of not including Santa in our celebration.

First, I think children are glad to realize that their parents, who live with them all year and know all the worst things about them, still show their love at Christmas.  Isn’t that more significant than a funny, old, make-believe man who drops in just once a year?

Second, I think most children know their family’s usual giving patterns for birthday and special events.  They tend to have an instinct about their family’s typical spending levels and abilities.  Knowing that their Christmas gifts come from the people they love, rather than from a bottomless sack, can help diminish the “I-want-this, give-me-that” syndrome.

And finally, when children know that God’s generosity is reflected by God’s people, it tends to encourage a sense of responsibility about helping make Christmas good for others.

Karsten, for example, worked hard on one gift in 1975.  On that Christmas morning, his daddy stepped around a large, loose-flapped cardboard box to get to his chair at the breakfast table.  “Where’s Karsten?” he asked, expecting to see our excited three-year-old raring to leap into the day.  Sitting down, I said, “He’ll be here in a minute.”

I nudged the box with my toe.  From inside the carton, Karsten threw back the flaps and sprang to his full three-foot stature.  “And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them . . .” He had memorized Luke 2:8-20 as a gift for his dad.  Karsten knew the real story.

In fact, a few days later, he and I were walking down the hall at the church we attended then.  One of the older ladies leaned down to squeeze his pink, round cheek and asked, “What did Santa bring you?”  Karsten’s head jerked quickly toward me, and he whispered loudly, “Doesn’t she know?”

(Adapted from Treasuring God in Our Traditions)

By Rob Flood

 

As we come up to Christmas, we are often more attuned to the desires of our children.  Gifts of some sort are likely coming their way.  Because we love them, we want to get them what they want.

 

In the midst of your Christmas shopping, a recent study might be of some interest to you.  A nationally representative study was performed, asking one question of 1000 children in grades 3-12 who come from two income families.  These children were asked:

 

 “If you were granted one wish that would change the way that your mother’s/your father’s work affects your life, what would that wish be?”

 

At the same time, 600 employed parents were surveyed, asking them to guess what their children would wish for.  Not surprisingly, the majority of the parents (56%) guessed that their children would wish for more time with them. 

 

But here’s where the surprise comes.   Only 10% wished for more time with their mothers and 15.5% asked for more time with their fathers.  The thing that the children wished for the most is that their mothers and fathers would be less stressed and tired.  In fact, 34% said this about their mothers and 27.5% said this about their fathers.

 

Now, it is necessary to point out that the study was performed by an organization that promotes two income families…it was the purpose of the survey.  However, even in a study like this that might contain a strategic bias, there is something of real interest that comes out: children discern our hearts when we interact with them.  They may not always discern the nuances of what’s going on in our hearts, but they feel the fruit of it…the taste of it…the effects from it.

 

We can often attempt to compensate for our weaknesses, our challenges, even our failures with more effort…with things to do. 

 

~   “We must spend more time with the children.” 

~   “We must do more fun family activities with the children.” 

~   “We must…” 

~   “We should…”

 

These things are all good to do.  Yet, if we do them without consideration for our manner, for the state of our hearts, even in our well-intended efforts, our children may still wish that mommy and daddy were less tired and stressed.

 

It is good for us to remember that godly parenting is secondarily a task of “doing.”  “Doing” is important, but not of first importance.  Godly parenting is primarily a task of “being.”  When we are abiding in the vine, we “branches” can actually rest.  Even in the busyness of work, school, and Christmas shopping, rest is possible if we are abiding.

 

If God has led you to “doing,” then by all means “do.”  However, don’t make the mistake of thinking that “doing” will ultimately fix the problem.  Whether they are able to articulate it or not, children want parents who are “being” rather than parents who are just “doing.”  So, in the midst of “doing,” don’t forget to “be.”  You may be surprised at how God subsequently empowers your “doing.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Jared Mellinger

In our house we just recently pulled out our Andrew Peterson Christmas CD.  (A great CD poetically, conceptually, and musically brilliant!)  This means Christmas is coming. 

As head of the home, I have the joy of leading the family through celebrating the birth of Christ and seizing this opportunity to help my family treasure Christ.  A few years back Meghan and I made an Advent wreath that sits on the table, with 4 candle holders around the outside and one in the middle.  Its homemade, but we like it and it gets the job done.  We set aside time once a week on the 4 weeks leading up to Christmas to remind ourselves of what we are celebrating on this Holiday.  Sunday evening works well for us.

You will notice that this family Christmas liturgy includes not only the usual Bible reading, singing, and prayer (the 3 staples of family worship), but also an opening Christmas question and cookies.  No family Christmas liturgy is complete without cookies. 

Hopefully this helps you think through what you want to do in your family, or with your friends.       

Week 1
Question for the kids: What is the meaning of Christmas?
    2) A prophecy fulfilled: Around 4000 BC, Adam and Eve receive the prophecy  that the Messiah would be born of a  woman.  Promise: Gen 3:15.  Fulfillment: Gal 4:4.
    3) A song from Luke: Read Mary’s Song (Luke 1:39-55)
    4) Singing: Joy to the World
    5) Prayer.
    6) Cookies: Sugar cookies with icing on top.

Week 2
    1) Question for the kids: What is one memory you have from Christmas?
    2) A prophecy fulfilled: Around 700 BC, Isaiah prophesies that the Savior’s mother would be a virgin and that this baby would be God himself.  Promise: Isaiah 7:14.  Fulfillment: Matthew 1:18-23.
    3) A song from Luke: Read Zechariah’s Song (Luke 1:57-80)
    4) Singing: O Come, O Come Immanuel
    5) Prayer.
    6) Cookies:  Sand tarts with sprinkles.  

Week 3
    1) Question for the kids: Tell us the story of how Jesus was born.
    2) A prophecy fulfilled:  Around 700 BC, Micah prophesies that an eternal Savior would be born in the town of Bethlehem.  Promise: Micah 5:2.  Fulfillment: Luke 2:1-7. 
    3) A song from Luke: Read the Angel’s Song (Luke 2:8-20)
    4) Singing: Hark the Herald Angels Sing
    5) Prayer.
    6) Cookies: The ones with the Hershey kiss on top.

Week 4
    1) Question for the kids: What would happen if Jesus never came?
    2) A prophecy fulfilled: Around 400 BC, Malachi prophesies that Jesus would enter the temple (which was destroyed in 70 AD).  Promise: Malachi 3:1.  Fulfillment:  Luke 2:25-27.
    3) A song from Luke: Read Simeon’s Song (Luke 2:21-38)
    4) Singing: The Gospel Song; Joy to The Word
    5) Prayer. 
    6) Cookies: Stuff ourselves with whatever is left. 

By Gina Flood

 

As much as I enjoy being a mother, without daily sustenance and supply from Christ, my children would dwell with a scowling, self-absorbed, selfish mommy whose main goals were immediate peace and ceaseless comfort using the chief means of convenience and behavior modification to reach those goals. How merciful is our God, that He does not deal with us in such ways!

 

His lovingkindness is everlasting! He is longsuffering! He is abundantly more interested in changing our hearts than He is in changing our behavior. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” [emphasis added] Whatever has residency in my heart determines what springs forth.

 

As God continues to conform and transform my heart, He seem to have revealed five areas for mothers to concentrate on. 

 

1. The Heart of a Mother Loves Jesus Christ

 

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:8-9)

 

In the midst of the hectic busyness of a mother’s life, we are reminded that we are to be filled with “inexpressible and glorious joy.” Why? Because we are “receiving the goal of [my] faith, the salvation of [my] soul.” Our every day is to be characterized by joy in Him!

 

Are we grumbling, annoyed, frustrated, harried? If we are, it’s because we’re not focused on loving the One who saved us. Most likely, we’re focused on ourselves. How much easier, by the grace of God, it is to be filled with glorious joy inexpressible when I am dwelling on what I am already receiving – the goal of my faith – salvation!

 

2. The Heart of a Mother Loves Her Husband

 

Does your heart leap when your husband enters the room? Again, in the business of daily life, I can easily forget to focus my heart’s full attention on my blessed gift – my husband. I happily greet him with a pleasant salutation, hug and kiss because I am, indeed, very glad to see him…but that’s not a leap. I wanted a leaping heart, so I went to my Father for wisdom.

 

His answer came from His Word in Ephesians 5:33. “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”  I need to be dwelling on respecting the blessing God has given me in my husband and allow that gratitude to spill forth from my mouth in praise and thanksgiving for all to hear: my husband, my children, and others. And I must choose to be intentional in doing this daily.

 

These are just two of the five areas where we can be protected from mothering in our own strength, apart from the daily sustenance from Christ.  Tomorrow will bring the remaining three.  In the meantime, may we all be constantly aware that our call to motherhood comes from a loving God, whose power has been made available to us for the task.  He will never leave us nor forsake us…not even in motherhood.

By Rob Flood

On November 1^st, Jared Mellinger preached a message on the sacrament of baptism here.  In response to that message, many of you have expressed a desire to be baptized yourselves.  We praise God for this response.

We also praise God for the response of those who have faithfully and humbly asked questions about the content and implications of Jared’s message.  In light of those questions, and the fact that this Sunday’s message will focus on the sacrament of communion, I want to draw your attention to two tools that are intended to be used.

1) The Sacraments: Questions & Answers for Parents - With the help of our sister church in Fairfax, Virginia, we’re making available this booklet to walk you through 19 questions that parents may ask…or questions children might ask of their parents.  Questions such as:

a. What is a credible profession of faith?
b. Should unbaptized children take the Lord’s Supper?
c. What is the role of the church in evaluating a child’s readiness to be baptized and receive the Lord’s Supper?

The booklet is small, but it is also effective in helping move forward on what could otherwise be some confusing topics and questions.

These booklets are available at the Info Center in the lobby of the church.  If you did not receive one when we handed them out at church, please take advantage of this helpful tool.

2) Vital Life: The Sacraments – On November 21^st, we’re offering an entire Vital Life class on the Sacraments to view the Vital Life page click here.  While there will be some additional teaching on the subject, the bulk of the time will be set aside to field your questions.  As your pastors, we desire to take the time to be sure your questions are answered as we enjoy a fresh prominence in our practice of the sacraments.  We took time to study this topic and want you to do the same.  We want to be available to help in that however we can.

A couple of important things to remember with this class:

a. It will be held in the Whitefield room – the downstairs level of the children’s wing.
b. Please do not use the lobby to enter.  If you park on the far side of the parking lot, you can enter the Whitefield directly from the outside.  The sidewalk in front of the church wraps around the building to take you to this door.

Admission to the class is free, but we’re asking you to register so we can know how many people to expect.  You can register here.

By Andy Farmer

Dwayne Bennett, who does a wonderful job (with his wife Toni) overseeing our Children’s Ministry, sent the following email to Mark Prater with their observations about some of our kids. 

This 8th Grade class has been very responsive to God's moving in their lives both at Youth Camp and at the Cross Culture meetings.  When Toni and I were discussing the 8th Grade response at Youth Camp she made the observation that this is the first class that has had God's Story in Promise Kingdom from Preschool through 6th Grade.  I don't want to take credit from God for their response to the Gospel...  I just want to point out that God may have chosen to use God's Story in their lives in the last 9 years of Sunday morning Children's Ministry.
 
While this group of kids were in the 6th Grade Promise Kingdom class, a few of the Teachers mentioned to me that this group had well thought out questions and rather mature answers to questions posed to the class.  Again, I don't want to try to take away from what God is doing in the lives of this class by pointing out that God's Story may have played a significant part.
 
Thanks,
Dwayne

Dwayne is right on when he cautions against seeing any particular program or leadership approach as capable of producing true spiritual fruit.  But God uses means to accomplish his purposes, and the God’s Story curriculum was developed as a means to show the riches of God’s grace in the Gospel as displayed throughout the entirety of God’s word.  God’s Story is a practical application for our kids of Paul’s words to the Colossians,

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.  (Col. 3:16)

So we can just as rightly give thanks to God for the curriculum (and it’s author, Marty Machowski), for the teachers and helpers who make it come alive each week for the kids, and for the parents who draw God’s Story into their families through the devotionals and in everyday conversation.  When Gospel centered resources are put in play, we should expect spiritual fruit over time. 

If you aren’t familiar with God’s Story and how it can serve your family, check it out on our web site HERE.

By Ramona Doyle

“This is war!”  The battle-cry pierced the early morning stillness.  If anyone was still sleeping, they certainly weren’t any more.  The conflict?  …Not what you might think!  This was another battle in our family war against the onslaught of stink bugs that have steadily invaded our home since we unknowingly imported them into our house several months ago in an innocuous box of Christmas decorations.  Thanks to one of my eagle-eyed sons, the 1,000th stink bug had just succumbed to the fight.  Well…maybe not the 1,000th…but it sure seemed that way!

It’s hard to miss these crafty little infiltrators…every time we turn around one seems to be staring us in the face!  But there are other infiltrators in our home that can be much less obvious, and before we know it we can find ourselves loosing a battle we never knew we were fighting.  Our family’s biggest battle, perhaps, is the battle for time—the time we have together can so easily fall victim to the legions of activities that all vie for attention.  Without careful attention and planning, they can infiltrate and devour most of our waking minutes.

We want our children to grow to love the Lord and his ways.  We want our family culture to impact our children more strongly than the culture of the world.  And we want our children to be prepared to stand in a world that is increasingly hostile to much of what we hold dear as believers.  Fortifying our children’s hearts with truth and wisdom, pointing them to our glorious Savior, and building a strong and vibrant family culture all require intentionality and time.

I’ve found that as a wife and mother I can play a unique roll in helping my husband in this area.  I can not only help my husband make time; I can help him make it count.  I can help create an atmosphere and tone to our family life that makes our home an oasis where our kids delight to spend time.  Here are some strategies I’ve found helpful:
 
1.      Regularly evaluate family priorities with your husband.

2.      Be an encourager…regularly highlight God’s activity in the lives of each family member.

3.      Pray for your children and be alert for opportunities to bring the Gospel into the situations of their lives.

4.      Prioritize relationships over the need to “get things done” as you care for your family.

5.      Seek creative ways to make the mundane special.  One night when I forgot to defrost meat for dinner and made eggs & pancakes instead, I called it “second breakfast” (hobbit style!) and it was such a hit that it has become a regular anticipated tradition in our home!

6.      Involve your children in helping plan & prepare for some of your family nights.  They will be instantly invested in the time.

And don’t forget to enjoy your children—they are a gift from the Lord!  “…Children are a heritage from the Lord…blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!”  (Psalm 127:3-5)

 

By Rob Flood

 

When our children are small, protecting them from influences, from both the inside and the outside, is a bit easier.  We choose their friends, they activities, and when they can to both.  As they grow older, though, not only does protecting them become more difficult, but those who would attack them seem to grow in number and in strength.

 

The posture to protect reflects a wonderful heart for the health and happiness of our children.  Yet, it does not always serve what is best.  And, often, we make a fatal mistake as parents when dealing with the idols in our children’s lives: we take them personally.

 

We make the mistake of thinking that the idols that create problems in our children’s lives are about us. When their love for sloth surpasses their love for work, they underachieve. And we think that their failure to carry their weight in our home is about us. When their love for self surpasses their love for siblings, they attack. And we think that their failure to seek peace is about us. Their love for lust surpasses their love for purity, they compromise. And we think that their failure is an indictment on our leadership.

 

When we do, it is as though we are sitting at a table across from them with the idol in the middle.  When we look at each other, our vision is distorted because we only see the other through the idol.  We can’t see them clearly…and they can’t see us clearly.  Our posture, our vision, and our purpose are all distorted because we are positioned against them on the battlefield of the idol.

 

But if we are wise enough to pick up our chair and carry it to the other side of the table, alongside our teen, the game changes completely.  Now, we can see each other clearly.  Now, our relationship is not defined by this idol we’ve both taken so personally.  No…now we are able to see what they’re seeing and help them to see it rightly.  Rather than taking their struggle personally, we join them as a compassionate fellow sinner in the battle against the idol.

 

This removes the controlling power the idol wants.  And, in time, taking the right seat at the table makes room for the gospel to be the centerpiece of the table.  In the end, the Word of God has its rightful place, the idol has been put in its rightful place, and your relationship with your teen is defined far more by compassion than by opposition.

 

So, here are a few questions for you as you assess this:

 

1. What is the current centerpiece of your conversations with your teen?
2. What pattern of sin in their lives colors how your view them / assess them?
3. How would this change if you came around the other side of the table and came alongside them as a fellow sinner struggling against your own idolatries?
4. What 1 or 2 passages of Scripture could you begin to place at the center of these conversations?

 

The right seat at the table will not fix every problem…nor will it guarantee an easy conversation.  It will just remove the largest obstacle to fruitful communication.

By Ramona Doyle

What!  Forget one of our children?  Never!  

Well, maybe not…  All my children are different.  Some have required more input, discipline, correction, and time than others.  I’m thinking of the one of whom my husband and I would often joke, “If we can just keep him alive until he’s five…!”  But we’ve learned from experience that there can be some inherent problems when you have a challenging child in your home.  This child gets a lot of attention.  He hears the Gospel in the course of parenting many times a day.  He has lots of “heart talks” with Mom and Dad.  And Mom and Dad wear out the knees of their pants in prayer lifting him before the throne of grace for mercy and grace in time of need.  And the need is frequent!

Then there is the obedient child…the one who is usually in the right place at the right time.  This one is typically respectful, he doesn’t often make waves with his siblings, and you can tell he usually tries to do the right thing.  When we look back, we’ve realized how easy it is to “forget” the obedient child.  It’s easy to make assumptions about what is going on in his heart and not invest the same time and prayer into parenting him.  So he doesn’t get as much attention or have the frequent heart talks with Mom and Dad, and he doesn’t hear the Gospel in the course of parenting many times a day.  But though he doesn’t require the frequent correction of his sibling, he is every much in need of the Gospel as his counterpart.  Down the road the obedient child could easily drift for lack of Gospel restraint in his heart.

As we have labored to better parent our growing family and trusted the Lord to “work all things for our good” (Romans 8:28) in the midst of our parenting mistakes and weaknesses, we’ve sought to do implement parenting strategies that direct our focus to all of our children’s hearts.  We’ve learned to not make assumptions based on the outward behavior of our children and to regularly evaluate our parenting goals for each one.  We try to pray daily for each child, asking the Lord to protect them, guard their hearts, and continue his perfect work in each one.  My husband uses our family devotions each day not only as an opportunity to meet the Lord together, but also to draw out our children and listen to their responses to his questions.  And we seek opportunities for one-on-one time with each child, allowing opportunity to build strong relationships and specifically invest in each one.

And if you have a forgotten child, take heart.  The Lord is actively working in his life and never forgets: “Can a woman forget her nursing child … Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.  Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.  Isaiah 49:15-16 

By Trish Donohue

 

We were at the shore for our last hurrah of the summer and decided to be adventurous and take a bike ride to the beach.  This may sound rather humdrum for the experienced cyclists among us, but for the Donohue Clan, this was a serious feat.  And if the cameras had been rolling this is what they would have seen.

 

Jim (borrowing a relative’s bike) had a stack of beach chairs bungeed to his handlebars which made him ride like a chimpanzee.  Next came Adam, who was balancing a boogie board twice his size and wobbling down the road taking out pedestrians on both sides while I yelled (in vain) from the back that that they had the right of way.  Asher and Bryn followed, trying to dodge flying shrapnel from the bikes in front while Shannon, our youngest, in her massive butterfly helmet, got stuck at every curb. 

 

Then there was me, who hadn’t been on a bike in an unmentionable number of years.  I initially had the sand shovels in my lovely bike basket, but three seconds into the ride, one fell out and flew between my bike spokes, which would have catapulted me into the air like a sunburned Evel Knieval except for the fact that I was going less than one mile an hour.  But I was jarred, and that qualifies as a serious athletic injury in my book.

 

Our actual ride was a crazy combination of dropping things, falling, walking across streets, talking to drivers who waited for us to walk across streets, screaming, and laughing very hard in a near-death sort of way.  

 

What does that have to do with anything blog-worthy?  Well, first, it’s a good story, and second, it’s a picture of how we moms can feel in our parenting.

 

1. We’re off on a new adventure (a new challenge, a new season of parenting, a new school year.)
2. We realize as we’re planning that our children are at so many different levels and have so many different needs.  Some are ahead and almost out of sight, some are falling behind, and none of them seem to hear the advice we’re calling to them.
3. We’re ill-equipped.  We’re supposed to be helping lead this troop, and we’re just learning ourselves!  We’re wobbling around in the back while they’re whizzing on ahead.  How do we catch up?
4. We’ve got baggage.  There are so many things and events to juggle and carry that we’re afraid we’ll get off course, or wreck, maybe even taking someone else out while we’re at it.
5. We’re temped to think, ‘maybe we should bag this’.  We thought the Lord had called us to it, but maybe there’s an easy way out, preferably without the risks. 

 

Here’s the truth:  God knows our limitations, and knows the job He’s called us to.  He knows each one of our children and the speed that they ride.  He knows their desires, their abilities, and their downfalls.  And He’s picked us, in our wobbly weakness, to guide them through the traffic of life.  But God is the one who keeps them.  And we can launch into God’s will for us in full assurance that He will get us where we need to go, safely, and in his time.

 

We almost took the van.  Nobody really wanted to, and we knew we’d sacrifice a memory, but we almost wimped out.  I’m so glad we didn’t.

By Rob Flood

Each week, as I read through the headlines of daily newspapers and blogs, I keep an eye out for family topics.  Who knows what might end up being blog-worthy?  As I recently scanned some articles I had captured, there was a striking trend.  Here is a sampling of the headlines:

• Save the Planet: Have Fewer Kids
  • Point: Kids consume to many resources. 
• Having Babies Bad for Economy 
  • Point: Kids have ruined the economy.
• Number of Households with Kids Hits New Low
  • Point: Couples have wised up and found better forms of happiness.

Now, before you get yourself all upset, you’ve got to see this from the authors’ perspectives.  If this world is all there is and this planet must last for eternity, it makes sense at least posing some of these topics.  If our own personal happiness and comfort are primary and our riches paramount, it makes sense having these discussions.

After all, it wasn’t that long ago that having additional children actually increased the family income.  More children provided more labor for the fields.  Children were not a burden on the economy, but necessary for a healthy one.

Now, in our industrial, technological, and post-modern society, things have changed.  And, if pragmatism is going to win the day, then less children may be the best solution.

However, much to the chagrin of our newspaper authors, pragmatism will NOT win the day.  You see, as we evaluate our own lives and make our own decisions, we do not make them for this world.  There is another world, the right world, that holds our treasure and forms our perspective.

The God of the Bible…the God of the universe…tells a different story.  He says to us:

• Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)
• The LORD does not let the righteous go hungry. (Proverbs 10:3)
• For every beast of the forest is mine, the cattle on a thousand hills. I know all the birds of the hills, and all that moves in the field is mine. (Psalm 50:10-11)

And then, lest you think that applying this to children is a stretch, this providing God removes all doubt:

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! (Psalm 127:3-5)

Children…bad for necessary resources?  …bad for happiness?  …bad for the economy?  Well, that all depends on which one you’re living for. 

And as for those who write such columns…don’t be upset with them.  Pray for them…that they would have the eyes of their hearts opened so that they could live with the right world in view.

By Trish Donohue

On our most recent date night, Jim and I found ourselves in the middle of a great conversation in the Acme parking lot of all places. It was raining and the drops on the windshield were reflecting and shimmering on everything in the car including us; it was a perfect movie scene, although instead of a tearful break-up or a spontaneous declaration of love, we were talking about gratitude—very un-Hollywood.

Jim was showing me how I can often enter situations looking at what needs to change instead of first seeing God’s grace and thanking Him for it. His observations were welcome ones since this is an area I want to grow in, and I have benefitted immeasurably from his help.

In my puny attempts to change, I’m happy to inform all you fellow ingrates that God has been extremely patient and hasn’t given up on me. There’s hope for us! As wives and moms, our countless menial tasks provide us countless opportunities to glorify God through gratitude. Here’s one thing I’ve been realizing as I’ve pondered the practical implications of gratitude.

We women often complain about situations that we actually love.

Sounds illogical, I know, but let me give you some examples from my own life:

• My daughter happened to get very sick the one night that Jim was away recently. I was up with her all night—I think I might have gone to sleep at 5:30 a.m. 

The temptation in that moment is self-pity, and yet the truth is that I love being a mom. I love my daughter and that I am the one who can comfort her. I love that Jim enjoys his job and gets to travel and that I can support him in that. If someone would offer to take this responsibility away from me, and thus the long night, I’d refuse in a second. The truth is that I’m tempted to complain about the situation…even though I love it.

• I’m walking past my sons’ room and the floor is once again littered with stuff. Didn’t I ask them to at least keep the floor picked up?

The truth in this situation is that I love having boys. They are a gift—a messy, dirty one sometimes, but a gift. These bug collections and dirty camo shorts and Lego guys represent the joys of their lives. Would I get rid of this "problem" if I could? Would I exchange them for a quieter, messless variety? Never.

So many of the minor irritations in our lives fall into this category—part and parcel of a job we wouldn’t trade for the world. Today as we feel our "last nerve" begin to tingle, let’s see if we can look past it to the broader gift of God, and praise Him for it…in gratitude.

By Ramona Doyle

 

It’s wonderful to see children inspired by the gospel.  To see them join in the mission of the Great Commission.  That is…until it makes you really uncomfortable. 

 

Recently, in Promise Kingdom, the children had a lesson from Luke 5:1-8…where Jesus called his first disciples to join him in his mission to save the lost and become “fishers of men.” Our eight-year-old daughter was inspired!

 

The very next day in a crowded doctor’s waiting room she approached a little girl about five years old and asked, “Are you a Christian?” The girl, connecting the question to the darker skin tones of our daughter and her brother whom we adopted from Latin America, responded with a huge smile, “No, I’m Chinese.” At that point, my daughter did what any young child who had just gotten herself in over her head might do…she asked her twelve-year-old brother to take over! He shared the Gospel…and did a pretty good job!

 

Looking back, I’m saddened by my actions that day. What a wonderful response my children had to what they had learned from the Word of God…and what a faith-filled step they took. But my first response was to look around to see who was watching and whether anyone felt uncomfortable. The little girl left the conversation to continue playing and we left for home with no further ado.

 

As we left, I was aware that I had missed a huge opportunity to live what my children were learning. I could have introduced myself to the girl’s parents and started a conversation. We already shared a common bond of adoption. Perhaps our “chance” encounter would have blossomed into a relationship that would give future opportunity for the Gospel.

 

As Jesus disciples, we are a part of a bigger mission. But all too often we get caught up in the business of our lives rather than looking for opportunities to testify to the hope we have within.  But the Gospel is for every day and should have the most prominent place in our lives. And our children, who are watching our every move, can learn and grow in their understanding of the Gospel as they see it lived out in the every day of our lives.

 

Though the mission is a big one…it is also a simple one.  So simple, that children can catch a vision for it, and even join it.  We are the ones who complicate it.  We distort its simplicity with high thoughts of public sensitivity and a desire not to offend.  Yet, when I boil off my fancy terms, I’m left with my fear of man.

 

How do I escape that?  How do I join in on this big and simple mission?  Among other things, Isaiah 11:6 prophecies that “a little child will lead them.”  Though I’m certain it was not referring to our recent doctor’s office visit, it seems to fit.  Faith like a child…who is inspired to be a fisher of men.

 

May the Gospel bear good fruit in the everyday situations of our lives!

By Trish Donohue

Can you imagine being a vacation? Not going on one, but being one? A vacation’s job description is enormous and it all has to be accomplished in seven days, without fail. Here is what I usually want my vacation to do for me.

• Make me happier than I’ve been all year.
• Provide a round-the-clock atmosphere of relaxation even with a bunch of kids all living out of messy suitcases and ingesting vast amounts of sugar.
• Refresh my heart, soul, mind, and body so that when I come back home I will face my normal life with the music of a waterfall playing in my brain.
• Create family memories full of laughter and hugs and Kodak moments, ensuring that I look fabulous on all the pictures.
• Provide a tan with no sunburn, a feast with no weight gain, and self-indulgence with no sin.

Although I adore vacations and have files of precious memories from them, I’ve taken enough of them to recognize they can’t possibly live up to the tasks I’ve given them to accomplish. I’ve selfishly struggled that, while in utopia, I still have to do many of the jobs I do at home—feeding the hungry tribe, laundering the sandy clothes, and guiding the tempted hearts, beginning with my own. I’ve fought with the ever shrinking time left before returning home to the full inbox and empty refrigerator. I’ve grappled with a vacation’s sheer inability to produce the lasting tranquility I’m looking for.

Have you been there?

Here’s my conclusion. (You may have figured this out by now, but bear with me, I’m slower.) There are two ways to take a vacation. The first, my default, is to load it up with all the expectations I listed above, which should allow me to do the only thing left – relax. My job is to relax – not think about what God wants to do with my time, or the needs of others, or disciplines of any kind. This self-centered approach will pretty much 100% of the time dump me back into my regular life feeling deflated and worldly. And I blame my vacation for not doing its job.

The second is to enjoy a vacation as a gift from God, seeing his hand in all the beauties and blessings, and the opportunities to serve as well. In this situation, I’m not trying to escape from life, but to invest in the life and family God has given me. It’s not all about my own immediate pleasure, but the pleasure of living in God’s will. Instead of seeking the elusive cloud of “relaxation” (bring me a magazine quick!) I can rest in the goodness and sovereignty of God and enjoy what He’s provided without trying to make it something it can never be.

Can you guess which one brings more joy in the end?

Our vacations can do a lot for us. What can we do for them?

By Deb Demi

Sometimes, I want my kids to be hypocrites.  Well, that's not really what I want, but sometimes I have a desire for them to look good and act godly even if it's just on the outside. When I see ungodly behavior or even a lukewarm spirit in one of my children, my heart can jump into fear mode.  When I don't see them raise their hands in worship...when they seem to have no desire for the Word...when they lack respect for authority, speak disrespectfully, arrive late to church, don't want to attend Cross Culture, or get into trouble...I can respond in fear rather than in faith. 

What does this fear look like in me?  I begin to worry and to feel hopeless - wondering if God will ever grip their hearts. Then in response to these feelings, I act as if God needs my help.  I abandon my trust in God and nag, manipulate, yell, plead, mope and sinfully compare instead.  And I trick myself into thinking that God will be sympathetic to my fear instead of seeing it as sin.

Obedient, respectful, and polite children might make our lives easier and less stressful…and that’s not all bad.  However, what we really want are children whose hearts are gripped by the Lord.  I don't really desire for my kids to look wonderful on the outside yet be far from their Savior. I don't desire for my kids to be motivated to act godly because I'm nagging and threatening them.  I want my kids to act godly because God has worked in their hearts.  My desire is that they would glorify God with their lives because of their gratitude to the One who has saved them.  But that gratitude can only come from God.

So what do we do when we're tempted to fall into fear?  

 

~   Look at Jesus' Example.  Even when His disciples did not seem to respond to truth, Jesus did not fall into fear but continued to do what God entrusted Him to do by faithfully teaching, training, encouraging and occasionally rebuking them. He knew that illuminating the truth was a work of God.  And, when the Holy Spirit did come and their eyes were opened, everything that Jesus had taught them suddenly made sense.  These hopeless-looking men became men who changed the world for Christ.  In the same way, our faith-filled efforts to train, teach, encourage and rebuke our children will not be wasted.  When the Holy Spirit opens their hearts to the gospel, they will remember the truths they were taught. 

~   Entrust Them to God.  As parents, we have a unique privilege to bring our kids before the throne of grace and entrust them to the One who is able to make blind eyes see (Is. 29:18), to breathe life into dead bones (Ezek. 37), and to bring a whole nation out of Abraham who was as good as dead (Heb. 11:12).  I'm walking in faith when, instead of using sharp words, I ask God to deal with their hearts and then choose to speak kindly. Instead of inwardly fretting, I can pray that God would do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine.

I know that God is calling me to greater faith for my children.  He is calling me to stop parenting out of fear and start parenting out of the strength of real faith.  As a result, I’m being called to fully entrust my children's hearts to His goodness, mercy and love. I wonder if He might not be calling you to the same thing.

Editor’s Note: For more reading on the issue of faith versus fear, here's an article by Carolyn Mahaney called "Effective Mothering is Born of Faith Not Fear."

By Rob Flood

Life lessons are often trapped within the mundane…the ordinary…the common. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was putting clean sheets on our bed.  I had just begun putting on the fitted sheet when Gina came walking by.  Seeing what I was doing, she pulled away from where she was headed and started to help.  She didn’t ask if I wanted help and I didn’t ask for the help…she just jumped in and helped.  Though I was perfectly happy to do it myself, I was thankful for the help.

Blogworthy?  Does this profound event rise to the level of message illustration?  Well, judge for yourself.

There are heroes around us, busy with the labor of the ordinary day.  But for them, the ordinary day is something extraordinary for us.  I’m talking about the single parents in our midst.

Though they may desire for their circumstances to change, they are happy to be serving their children and love them deeply and sacrificially.  Yet, when they put on the fitted sheets of their lives, they do it alone.  You won’t often hear them complaining about the additional load they have to carry.  In fact, if your experience is anything like mine, they have experienced the goodness and grace of God at a deeper level than we have.

They’re not begging for help.  But what if…what if someone came along and just started in on helping them?  What if another family decided to fold them into the fabric of their own lives.  I can’t predict all the fruit but I can predict at least one result:  they would be alone no more.

It would not replace the void left by another parent, but it would go a long way to making the work more joyful.  Why?  What is the need?

~   Others’ Eyes:  If my family was to lock our door to the outside, at least we would have two adults’ eyes on our children.  At least two perspectives.  This is not the case with single parents.  Unless others step in and help, they are left only to their own eyes.  And how deeply most single parents desire others’ eyes on their children.  We can provide that.

~   Others’ Shoulders:  God’s grace is powerful.  And God has a special heart for single parents.  He provides sufficient strength for the calling to which they’ve been called.  But wouldn’t it be a relief if someone stepped in and helped them carry it from time to time?  If my heart felt gratitude in the light burden of putting on a fitted sheet, how much more would a heart feel gratitude for the indescribably challenging burden of parenting on your own. 

~   Others’ Prayers:  Sometimes just knowing that someone else knows what is burdening me brings me comfort.  I know that those friends will pray for me and that serves my heart.  As families fold single parents into the fabric of their own homes, households pray for each other and struggles appear less bleak.

All we need are eyes to see single parent families, hearts that feel compassion, and ears that hear the promptings of God.  So, if I may be bold with you for a minute, look around.  Do you see any single parent families?  If so, do you feel compassion for the struggles they face?  If so, is God prompting you to come alongside them?  It may be you who God is calling to use so that they labor alone no more.

By Ramona Doyle

With the recent media blitz surrounding the death of Michael Jackson, one of our country’s most famous pop stars, my husband and I found it interesting to note what folks were saying about him. Words and phrases like ‘legendary’, ‘superstar’, and ‘larger than life’ were liberally pasted across front pages of papers and magazines around the world and TV stations put regular programming on hold to cover the events of his life and death. Yes, this was a talented man. And yes, he had a large following and his fame spanned the generations. But though he loomed large in the world, we have the responsibility to discern who should loom large in the eyes and minds of our children and families.

Our country makes much of its entertainers and athletes. All the information one would ever want to know about them is never more than a ‘click’ away. And media effectively places them ever before our eyes. In this age of instant information and cult followings, Bill and I have become all the more aware of how important it is to carefully select the role models who will influence our children. Equally important, we’ve seen the need to supply appropriate commentary for our children in the midst of these kinds of current events.

When we think about choosing role models for our children, these are some of the questions my husband and I have considered:

          • What does the life of this person teach those who watch?
          • Is he/she rebellious or gracious and full of character?
          • How does he/she respond to life situations … in anger or envy, or with humility and forgiveness?
          • Does this person face the challenges of life with perseverance and learn from their mistakes, or by whining and complaining to anyone who will lend and ear?
          • If a woman, does her life model biblical femininity… does she value motherhood and is she oriented toward the home?
          • If a man, does his life model biblically masculine traits like courage, selflessness, and humble leadership? 
          • And how does this person respond to authority in his or her life …with cynicism or by genuinely valuing the authority over them? Do they value the role of parents?

We have found these kinds of positive role models more abundant in the lives of godly friends and families with whom we spend time and on the pages of good biographies and literature than on movie screens, video games or nightly TV. That notion alone helps us guide our children in how they spend their time. And as we seek good earthly role models for our children, we are also ever mindful of our need to keep before their eyes the life and character of the One who is truly ‘legendary’ and ‘larger than life’, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. As we point our children to His goodness, mercy, and grace, we will help them to “taste and see that the Lord is good.” (Psalm 34:8)

By Rob Flood

About a year ago, I read a blog by Tim Challies posted his blog: www.challies.com.  Typically, Tim’s blog focuses on the doctrinal landscape of the contemporary church.  While I cannot say I always agree with his take on things, I can say that I regularly read his blog and enjoy it very much.  On this particular day, though, he left behind the theological issues and wrote about a parenting event in his own life.  My heart was cut to the quick with encouragement and conviction.

I’ve posted the blog in its entirety below along with the link to read it at his site.  May we find ourselves always thinking long term in our parenting.  And may it guide the words we use…and the opportunities we seize.

Got To Get To
Tim Challies

My children have been behaving a little bit strangely at bedtime in recent days. My son tends to be melancholy in the evenings at the best of times but recently has been getting worried as soon as we tuck him into bed. Two nights ago he was concerned that the Sith were going to attack him (how he even knows who the Sith are is beyond me) and last night he was worried that the Japanese were going to invade Canada (I guess he has been reading about the Second World War). I assured him that the Japanese were not going to invade our country but he replied, “Well, they snuck up on Hawaii without the Americans noticing!” This much is true. His little sister feeds off his worries and almost inevitably ends up creating her own.

It generally happens that, by the time we tuck the children into bed, Aileen and I are ready to be done with them for the day. It may sound harsh, but by the end of a long day, we are more than eager to spend an hour or two by ourselves in the living room before also heading for bed. The last thing we want is a parade of children up and down the stairs and a chorus of cries asking us to come upstairs to mediate one problem or another.

Last night, a good hour after I put my daughter to bed, and as I settled into the couch to continue reading through Iain Murray’s biography of Martyn Lloyd-Jones, I heard a cry of “Daddy!” I went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what she wanted. “Will you come and cuddle me?” she called out. I thought about it for a moment and eventually told her that she should already be asleep and that I was not going to come up and cuddle her. Thankfully she soon drifted off and slept well.

As I thought about it a little bit more I realized that I did not want to cuddle her, at least in part, because I had to. I was looking at it as a “got to” situation: “I’ve got to cuddle her.” And I rebelled. It didn’t take me long to regret my decision. She is going to be with us for so few years and for many of those she will no doubt have no desire to cuddle me. And is it so bad for a five-year old to want a cuddle (or another cuddle) before bed? The more I thought about it, the more this seemed like a “get to” situation: “I get to cuddle her.”

It’s funny the difference made by that one little letter. Throughout my life I’ve struggled with the got to’s and the get to’s. Church can seem like a “got to” obligation, but it is so much sweeter when I face it as if it is a “get to” privilege. My morning devotions can often feel like a “got to” but I enjoy them so much more when I treat them like a “get to.” Rather than having to face the Bible and prayer in the morning, I see them as an enjoyable privilege. It often makes all the difference in a mind as feeble and sinful as mine.

When Abby stumbled down the stairs this morning, squinting through barely-awake eyes, her hair all askew, I grabbed her up in a big hug and settled onto the couch with her for a few minutes of cuddling. It is something I get to do, at least for a few more years. It was my privilege and my pleasure.

http://www.challies.com/archives/articles/personal-reflections/got-to-get-to.php

By Jared Mellinger

 

My 2 oldest children are Ryle and Ben, and they bring a ton of joy into my world.  Ryle is 5 years old, Ben is 3.  I am increasingly discovering that these boys really are at the age where I am able to have meaningful and substantial conversations with them.  Intentional conversations in our family often take place at 1) the dinner table, or 2) when I am on a Monday Dunkin Donuts outing with the kids, or 3) at bedtime.  Those are the locations and times that remind me I should be intentional and look to engage them in meaningful, strategic conversation.

 

I have a simple mind, and at times I have found myself wanting to talk with the boys, but not knowing exactly what to talk about (I’m pretty sure this is a male thing).  So in addition to having set times and locations that I look to take advantage of, I also created a simple list of questions that I use to ask the boys about their day. 

 

Different things work for different kids.  And different things work for different parents, so don’t feel like you’re obligated to implement our practice.  But for some reason, my boys absolutely love the “Bedtime Questions for Ryle and Ben” we’ve been doing over the past 6 months or so.  It usually takes around 5 minutes (10 at the most), and it’s the last thing we do before they go to bed.  But they have been known to spend all day thinking of their answers to the questions Daddy is going to ask them that night.  Ryle, who excels at following rules and helping others follow rules, has been known to panic if we neglect to do the Bedtime Questions and therefore helps hold me accountable to do them.   

     

On the dresser in their bedroom is a printed piece of paper with the questions I often ask them.  They now have these questions engraved on their little minds, simply through the repetition of me asking them each question so many times, but we still set the printed page of questions on Daddy’s lap, because that’s the way we’ve always done it and Ryle likes to do things the way we’ve always done it.  (That kid sure does make me smile!) 

 

With each one of these questions, I have something specific that I am looking to accomplish and instill in the boys.  Then, after the questions and before I turn out the lights, I give them hugs and kisses and I pray that they would be God-knowing, Bible-loving, grateful, humble, obedient boys who see their need for a Savior.

 

Bedtime Questions for Ryle and Ben:

 

1. What is one question you have for me about God or the Bible?

 

2. What is one thing you are grateful to God for from today? 

 

3. What is one way you saw someone in our family choosing to please God today?

 

4. What is one thing you did (or didn’t do) today that reminded you of your need for a Savior?

 

5. What is one way you hope to obey God’s authority tomorrow? 

By Rob Flood

 

Recently, one of my children was skimming the top of a pool with a skimmer.  The pole must have been about 10 feet long.  While having his concentration fully engaged on the pool, he was oblivious to the long stretch of pole behind him.  With no malicious or pre-meditated intent, he nearly knocked two children into the pool.  Thankfully, no one got pushed in.

 

But it did make me think of the damage we can cause when we are reckless or careless…even unintentionally.  A recent study[1] done at Simmons College in Boston tracked the wide-reaching affects that conflict has on children who witness it.

 

Researchers found that adolescents who reported increased family arguments at age 15 had an increased risk of major depression, alcohol abuse/dependence, drug dependence and antisocial behaviors at age 30, compared with peers who didn’t report more family arguments. And those with more family strife had twice the risk for being unemployed as adults.

 

Those who reported exposure to family violence by age 18 were significantly more likely than peers to have a mental disorder, drug or alcohol abuse or dependence, lower self-esteem, and lower overall life satisfaction at age 30.

 

We can sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that our conflict only impacts those we aim it at.  But selfishness and anger, which lie at the root of our conflict, are not instruments of precision.  They are not highly accurate rifles.  Conflict functions much more like a hand grenade. 

 

When we throw it at our opponent, our enemy, shrapnel flies in every direction often inflicting pain and damage on unintended targets.  And, too often, those are our children.

 

Yet our conviction and sorrow over the damage we cause our children don’t often cause us to adjust the problem.  Many times, we work hard to exchange our grenades for precision instruments of anger.  This is not the answer.  What are we to do is our conflict is hurting those around us?  …work at peace.

 

We might declare that we are not the cause of the conflict.  We are simply married to someone who fights with us all the time.  Maybe we think it is the fault of our contentious teen.  Well…maybe.  But Romans 12:18 removes the blame game altogether.

 

 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

 

If there is no other channel, be the channel of God’s grace into your home.  Allow the young standers-by to observe and experience grace as they see it in you.  Don’t pull the pin on the anger grenade.  Lay down the sniper’s rifle. 

 

Not only will this have a profound impact on your own joy. …not only will this impact your marriage.  But this will also have an immeasurable impact on your children…now and into their future.

 

 

By Traci Healey

Pastor’s note:  Traci wrote this in early March.  As we post she is joyfully expecting the imminent arrival of the baby she talks about below.

Sometimes I get afraid people will think I’m silly for getting pregnant soon after getting married (a little over 3 months).  Mostly because I would have thought it was silly.  When we were engaged, I asked Rick to give me at least 6 months before we started trying to have kids.  It could have been longer, but hey, I’m getting old.

But one day I read this and God spoke to me.

Psalm 127
Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one's youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Reading this, God showed me my heart and its fears and then He showed me the promises of His Word.  I was convicted of two things.

The first was being afraid of what people (my family and close friends) would think of me.  What would they say about me?  Would they think I was crazy for not wanting more time alone with Rick?  Would they think I was missing out on the newlywed years?  Maybe.  Does it matter?  No.  Because the promise of this verse is that children are from the Lord…a reward…they bring blessing to their parents…there is no downside to kids in God’s economy.

The second is that I was afraid of the future.  What if we couldn’t provide for our kids?  What if we couldn’t buy a house?  What if all the money I wanted to spend at Anthropologie suddenly went to diapers?  Well, the first part of this psalm spoke to my anxieties: “…he gives to his beloved sleep.”  The anxious don’t sleep well, but God’s beloved do.  He cares for them, builds their house and watches over them.  Now that is a promise.

So God spoke to me.  He eased my fears.  And then I very clearly knew what repentance and obedience looked like.  I was to trust Him in all things and have kids.  And now that I’m pregnant?  I know that this is what God called me to do from the beginning…and that gives me great joy.  Even if it means a change in some of my shopping.

Blogger’s Note: I understand that there are perfectly good reasons to wait to have kids.  And I’m not saying my story is the best one to follow.  But it’s a good reminder that God is the one who sets our priorities.

By Jared Mellinger

The first through fourth graders in Promise Kingdom (our Sunday children’s ministry) recently made a large “thank you” display for the pastors.  It included note cards expressing their gratitude for us.  One even told us we were “cool as a cucumber”, which I’m not sure truly applies to every guy on the team – but I digress.   

I loved reading these, and I am once again convinced that I have the best job in the world.  And this team serves the best folks in the world.  Thanks to the children (and teachers!) in Promise Kingdom, for making us the happiest pastors in the world.  

Here are a few of my favorite note cards from the kids:

By Marty Machowski

 

Last year, the family behind our house put up a swing set/play house but could not then install the swings until they replaced one missing support. Our daughters had already begun enjoying the slide and monkey bars, so when I saw them working on the support board for the swing I went over to give them a hand.  It took a while to complete, but once the support board was in place, I called our daughters over to give it try.

 

We had to stop them once to tighten a few bolts but then they were off swinging away.  After about twenty minutes of swinging, my youngest daughter remarked, “This is better than computer games.” 

 

It hit me that “new” or “innovative” is not always best.  Sometimes, it is the ancient things…the things well worn and tried…that serve us best.  I’m not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with new things, with new innovation, or specifically with video games.

 

What I am saying is that my little girl perceived that swinging on a swing was better than computer games.  Our older children may discover that actually talking with friends may be superior to texting them…or communicating through Facebook.  And, parents, you may discover that a walk around the block or a good book is superior to the television show you’re accustomed to watching.

 

If the sun is shining, the grass of your lawn may be superior to the pile of your carpet.  The heat of the sun better than the heat off the computer.  And even the sweat of hard play better than the ease of being still.

 

Consider a summer that is filled with relational activities: trips to parks, tossed balls, walked blocks, Frisbees thrown.  Consider changing up some well worn family patterns.  Not because they’re wrong, but because they may not always be best.  Consider leaving some “new” and “innovative” ways for things that are well worn and tried.

 

This summer don’t be afraid to put a moratorium on computer games.  Your children might discover some other ancient technologies like, playing tag, wiffle ball, and hide-and-go-seek.  And they, too, may think that the ancient things are better than computer games.

 

For more helpful information on how to help your family embrace the “ancient technologies,” consider this article by Rob Flood found at the website for FamilyLife Ministries: 10 Ideas: Things to Do When You’re Not Watching TV

By Mark Prater

 

I recently read an article from the Spring 2008 edition of the Journal of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood entitled “Pursuing Manhood” written by Ray Van Neste.  Mr. Van Neste’s main point is that pursuing manhood and pursuing maturity go hand in hand for he says, “avoiding maturity is emasculating.”    Van Neste is discerning about the cultural forces that shape us without our knowledge as he writes,

 

Our culture is infatuated with youth and encourages you not to grow up.  After all, it says, the glory is in the youth.  If you would be men, you must reject this siren song and swim against the tide.  You must diligently seek to throw off immaturity and to grow up.  Remember the one boy who never grew up was Peter Pan - and in case you haven't noticed, his role has typically been played by a woman.

 

In helping young men pursue maturity by pursuing manhood, Van Neste seeks to answer this question, “So, what does it look like to grown up in manliness?”  In answering the question he gives 8 traits that young men should pursue.  Here are the traits he suggests; you’ll want to read the article to see what he says about them.

 

1. Take responsibility
2. Do your work
3. Own your failures
4. Expect to work
5. Reject the temptation to whine and complain
6. Embrace commitment
7. Sacrifice
8. “Women and children first”

This is great summer reading for guys at any age.  If you’re a father or a single mom who has sons consider reading this article as a means to help you cultivate masculinity in your boys.  If your son is in middle school or high school, I would recommend that you read the article with them and then discuss how you can help them apply it.  The article can be found on the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood website at the link below.

 

http://www.cbmw.org/Journal/Vol-13-No-1/Pursuing-Manhood

By Ramona Doyle

My husband and I have five children, and though our oldest daughter is now married, we’ve realized that we are still a long way from the proverbial “empty nest.” Those children remaining at home range in age from twenty all the way down to nine. Looking back, we have such fond memories of all the fun times we’ve shared, but looking ahead we take note that we have many more active years of parenting.

 

Now if your family is anything like ours, child #1 received hours of attention, and participated in everything from story hour at the library to baby swimming lessons and preschool music programs. When child #2 arrived, Mom and Dad’s time was a little more stretched, and the lessons and activities were divided between the kids. Then there was child # 3 …What was his name again? Oh yes, that was the one who taught himself to walk. J Obviously, I’m being a bit facetious here, but truth be told, sometimes the younger children can get a little lost in the mix.

 

We want all of our children to grow up to love the Lord and serve the church, so we’ve realized we can’t afford to coast during the second half of our parenting adventure. Because of the make up of our family, what we do may look different than when our older children were young, but it needs to be every bit as intentional. Here are some of the ways we are seeking to finish well with regard to parenting:

 

·        Take time to plan and pray – Once or twice a year my husband sets aside time for us to get away to evaluate the needs of our children and family. We discuss and pray for each child and set goals for the next season. We also evaluate our parenting and seek to make appropriate adjustments.

 

·        Learn from others – We try to be intentional in building relationships with others who are parenting with excellence that we might learn from them and give them a window into our parenting. It has also served us to reread good parenting books and regularly listen to good teachings we’ve collected through the years. How easily we can forget…we need a steady diet of wisdom and truth!

 

·        Don’t forget family devotions – We weren’t always faithful in this area, but as we’ve made this important discipline a priority, we’ve been amazed at how the Lord meets us, how much the kids look forward to it, and how easy it is to do devotions even with a wide range of ages. Some of our most cherished family memories have come from these times.

 

·        Involve all of the children in the life of the family – Having older children to help with the daily grind can make it tempting to leave the younger ones to themselves. And sometimes I would rather just “get done” with a task rather than take time to involve a child. I’ve started inviting my nine year old daughter to make dinner with me each evening. What a wonderful opportunity, not only for her to prepare to one day care for her family, but also to build our relationship and have yet one more context to point her to the Lord.

 

·        Cling to the Lord – We are weak and easily grow weary, but He is a fountain of strength who promises grace for every good work.

 

There is nothing magical these specific things.  They are just practices and reminders that have served us through the years.  Yours may look different…and that’s okay.  The most important thing is that we as parents remember that coasting is not part of our job description…and we need others around us to caution us when we start. 

 

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

By Deb Demi

Are you looking to deepen your friendships, experience more biblical fellowship and at the same time be encouraged in your walk with the Lord?  I have found that all of these things and more can happen through praying together with other women.  Here are two specific ways of praying together that have blessed me.

A Weekly Prayer Group: The first way is by being involved in a weekly prayer group.  A little over two years ago, I began to feel a desire to pray regularly with some other women for our husbands and children. After sharing this with one of my friends, she too thought that it was a good idea.  We sent out some e-mails, found a home to meet in, and set a day and time.  So for over 2 years now, a group of about 5 – 10 women (16 of us in all) have been meeting at Lolly DiMaio’s house every Friday morning from 8:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m.  We try to start the meeting promptly after grabbing a cup of coffee, of course. 

Instead of sharing prayer requests, we jump right in by praying our requests.  Once a request is prayed, usually others join in by continuing to pray for that request.  We try to keep our prayers short and allow them to bounce around like popcorn.  Often someone will have a prophetic word or Scripture to share, there are usually tears, and we always leave deeply encouraged as we lift our needs up before our Heavenly Father recounting His faithfulness, His power in our weaknesses, and His goodness.  Even though some of us barely knew each other two years ago, through prayer, we have formed very special bonds.

Extended Prayer Times:  Not only is a weekly prayer meeting a good tool in building friendships, extended prayer times can strengthen our relationships in our community groups.  The first time that I mentioned to our CG women, that we were going to try to pray together for an hour, they looked at me a little skeptically.  If praying together for an hour seems daunting to you, try the following:  Come up with six categories such as praise and thanksgiving, confession of sin, husbands, children, church/leaders, and the lost.  Pray aloud according to the subject bouncing back and forth in no particular order. When 10 minutes pass, someone can move you on to the next category.  Before we knew it, we prayed for over an hour.  We learned about each other’s burdens, we cried together, and we confessed our sins before one another.  And, after praying our requests and burdens of our hearts, the context for our conversation flowed into deep and meaningful biblical fellowship.

How about you?  Who is it that the Lord is calling you to pray with?  Not only is prayer an effective means through the Gospel to bring your requests before the throne of God, it is a tool that the Lord will use to deepen your relationships and encourage your soul.

By Andy Farmer

 

Editor’s Note:  At Saturday night’s Cross Culture Meeting, Andy Farmer gave the Extra Point (a time for parents of teens to apply the message they’ve just heard.)  The following is a summary of his comments.  You can listen to his full presentation as well as the message that  preceded his comments HERE.

 

Our teens are not little lumps of Play-Doh ready to be shaped into whatever identity God has for them.  Our identity is always being shaped by something…and so is theirs.  For Christians in general, and teens in Christian families, life is an identity crisis.  Whatever shapes us ultimately defines and identifies us.

 

As parents we are called to make sure the identity shaping influences of the world don’t become the identity defining influences in our teens lives.  To help in that task, here are three identity shapers that need to be on our radar.  These are just some of the things that are cluttering the airspace of our teens’ world.

 

1. Style is more identity shaping than Substance 

Style can be determined quickly, without time or investment.  Style says something about your teen immediately. Substance makes us think. Substance costs more.  It takes time.  Far from immediate, substance delivers a delayed payoff and is far more meaningful. 

 

Our identity in Christ is not about style; it is about substance …the deepest substance a person can experience. And it calls us to a life of faith…which is a lifestyle of delayed payoff.  If our teens are consumed with style as identity, a life of faith will be irrelevant.

 

As parents, we battle Style with Substance by learning to have “but why?” conversations.  With care, grace, and patience, we can walk our teens through the allure of style to discussions on substance.  By asking them why questions, they are forced to think beneath the surface.  By avoiding an accusatory tone, we free them to actually answer and enter into discussion.

 

2. Social Standing is more identity shaping than personal relationships 

Peer pressure is built on this. It leads the teen to say, “I care far more about what people think of me than who really knows me.”  It causes teens to become other things…things that will establish them in social standing.  The fleshly heart is driven by social climbing…and is influenced by others.

 

Our identity in Christ teaches us the opposite though.  It calls us to be influencers, not the influenced.  The world ought not define who we are to be.  Christ defines that and the world around us should be influenced by that.

 

As parents, we can help our teen as we hold the line on a biblical definition of friendship.  If we help our teens avoid using social standing as a replacement for friendships, we direct them toward Christ and away from the world.

 

3. Perceived bad things are more identity shaping than perceived good things 

The most life shaping experiences are not the good times, but the bad times. In the bad times, things are decided about ourselves, about the world, and about God.  These things set in our hears and shape us profoundly. 

 

This is why brushing off a crisis in our teens’ lives is so damaging.  Even if we think it is inconsequential, they perceive it as significant and are thus shaped by it.  If we fail to come alongside them, we stand a great chance of losing them to the identity of these bad things.

 

As parents, we help our teens by understanding their bad experiences in light of where they are in life, not where we are.  We feel things the way they would, not the way we would.  We are then positioned to help care for them in light of the gospel…because we will be applying it to where they sense the need.

Posted by Rob Flood

 

My grandmother’s purse was one of the most incredible objects in all of creation.  At times, we were sure it was Mary Poppins’ carpet bag.  It didn’t matter whether I needed a tissue or a vile of anti-venom…it was in there.  Ace bandages right next to a pack of Wrigley’s Doublemint gum…an air pump right next to her wallet.  Even though she walked with one shoulder clearly lower than the other…she was intentional and we all benefitted from it.

 

What if we took that type of intentionality with our children and grandchildren?  What would it look like for a grandparent to see their role in the lives of their grandchildren as purposeful…intentional?  Well, we have at least one glimpse.

 

The pastors recently received an email from Vince and Regina Rinchuiso.  In an effort to express their gratitude for our recent sermon series, they shared these thoughts with us:

 

We wanted to thank you for the current series on Family Life Values  these past weeks.   As  new grandparents we take this responsibility seriously and during a recent visit with our grandson Jude we took the opportunity to expose him to some “light” reading materials.

 

What a great example of grandparents wanting to build into the next generation.  They sent us a photo that I trust will communicate both their love for their grandson and a bit of their love for the Savior.

 

 

 

They concluded their email with this sentence: 

 

The earlier the better is our theory!

 

Well done, Vince and Regina.  And may this adorable snapshot provoke us all toward intentionality.  We’ll all benefit from it.

Posted by: Rob Flood

Editor’s Note: This post is a reflection upon the message Mark Prater preached on Sunday, January 11th.  The message can be found by clicking here.


So many of the posts on Family Friday are written for one of two purposes.  First, to encourage parents in the challenge of parenting.  Second, to teach or help parents do their job more effectively.

Sometimes though, as parents, we have to protect ourselves from our successes.  Many parents in our church have wonderful families.  We have children that are generally obedient, majorly respectful and a joy to have in our home.  We have sought to parent them to the best of our ability.  We certainly have room to grow and areas in need of improvement, but we seek to apply what we’ve learned and teach them what they need to know.

In the light of such success stories, we can be prone to sit back and consider the behavior and condition of our children primarily as fruit of our parenting.  Deuteronomy 6:5-9 says:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

We read that and can be prone to thinking…even quietly… “well done.”

We would all do well to keep reading.  Beginning in the very next verse, we are reminded that the blessings we receive are given from God.  The fruit of our labors is from God.  Then comes the strong caution in verse 12:

…take care lest you forget the Lord, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.

Here’s the truth of it…children who rebel are common.  Obedient and respectful children are the exception.  Why?  Because people who rebel are common.  Obedient and respectful people are an exception.  And children are people.

So, how do we explain the preponderance of our successes?  They are wells we did not dig…cities we did not build.  They are direct gifts from the Lord, who will not allow his Word to return void.

Does God use our parenting to bring about these gifts?  Yes, of course.  Our intentional and prayerful parenting matters and is crucial…for our children and for us.  However, we should never lose sight of who provides the growth…the blessing. 

The very thing that could cause our forgetfulness also serves as the cure for our forgetfulness.  When you catch your children obeying, or being respectful…when you hear from others that your children did something well…take care lest you forget the Lord.  It is the Lord who provides the increase…and we as parents get front row seats.

Keep parenting…teaching your children diligently. But don’t forget the Lord.  He is not just an ingredient necessary for good parenting.  Through your faithfulness in parenting, He is the one providing the blessings.

Posted by: Marty Machowski

Editor’s Note: In light of the message Jared Mellinger preached on 1/4/09 [LINK], we’re continuing an additional week on prayer in parenting.

Do you have a child who is struggling to overcome a pattern of sin in their lives?  If you are a parent you probably answered “yes.”  Whether you are trying to figure out a way to keep your daughter in bed after you lay her down at night or you are constantly reminding a teenage son about his disrespectful attitude, all families experience recurring patterns of sin in the lives of their children.

As a pastor, I get to hear a lot of stories: “My child just won’t do their school work, all they want to do is play computer games.”  “All they do is fight.”  “He lied to me again.”  The list could go on.  There is however an interesting phrase many parents share with me as they describe their dilemma. “We’ve tried everything,” they say with exhaustion then go on to recite a laundry list of things they’ve tried.  “We’ve given the rod, we’ve taken away their privileges, we’ve tried written confessions, going to bed early, doubling their chores, and still nothing seems to be working.” 

Often prayer is last on the list, “All we can do is pray,” or not on the list at all.  My wife and I have been through the same challenges with our children.  One of the things I’ve learned, though, is prayer is not the weapon of last resort.  Prayer is the weapon of choice.  Consider changing your strategy with your children to include prayer right from the start.  Here are a few things to consider:

- Pray daily for your children and ask God to help them with their current struggles.

- Pray with your children, asking God to help them overcome their particular battle with sin. (And leading them to ask God themselves.)

- Examine your own heart in prayer.  Sometimes the work God is doing has more to do with our growth and sanctification than our children’s.

- Expect God to pour out his grace for change on their lives and simply be faithful to discipline your child in love and then watch. (Check out Andy’s blog from last week for more on this point.)

- Never lose sight of the gospel when sin strikes.  Every discipline session is an opportunity to take your children back to the gospel.

The greatest change we have seen in our children has not come from our work through discipline, but has come through God’s work of grace in their hearts.   Don’t give up discipline or creative ways to lead your children in the midst of their sin, but take up prayer like a soldier takes up his rifle; he wouldn’t go into battle without it.  As he walks cautiously on the battlefield it is the first thing to part the brush.  It’s not hanging on his shoulder as a last resort, but leading his way through every trial.

Posted by: Andy Farmer

Unanswered prayer.  Is there anything more perplexing?  Wouldn’t it be much better if God had given us some sort of system to know how prayer gets answered?  Maybe he could have given us some bins for different types of prayers.  A bin for ‘need this right now’.  Maybe a bin for ‘willing to wait on this one’.  And we’d probably do well to have a bin for ‘not sure I really want this one answered’.  Then we could just sort our prayers like the mail.  That would make sense.  I’d like those kinds of prayer times. 

But we don’t know.  Every single prayer we pray – every single prayer – is by definition an act of faith.  It takes faith to speak out to a God who doesn’t always seem to be there.  It takes faith to keep on praying for things when there’s a list of other things we’ve prayed for that seems unanswered.  And it can be hard to get back to the task when something we prayed for didn’t seem to come to pass. 

Yet the call to prayer isn’t conditional.  We are called to pray and to expect answers.  Jesus makes that clear in the Gospels.  And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”  (Matt:  21:22 for example).

So we pray in faith.  The truth is, it is this very ‘faithiness’ that is the heart of prayer.  Without faith there cannot be prayer.  In his classic and well worth reading book on prayer, E. M. Bounds locks prayer and faith in the same action – each motivating the other. 

Faith is always praying.  Prayer is always believing.  Faith must have a tongue by which it can speak.  Prayer is the tongue of faith.  Faith must receive.  Prayer is the hand of faith stretched out to receive.  Prayer must rise and soar.  Faith must give prayer the wings to rise and soar.  Prayer must have an audience with God.  Faith opens the door, and access and audience are given.  Prayer asks.  Faith lays its hand on the thing asked for.  (The Possibilities of Prayer, 43) 

How do we pray expectantly?  By keeping in mind that there is one who hears, and our prayers never fall on deaf or uncaring ears.  So, with the Psalmist,

O LORD, we pray, give us success!  (Psalm 118:25)

Posted by: Rob Flood

I don’t know about you, but my pillow talks to me every night.  It doesn’t yell, but it is a crystal clear whisperer.  I know…telling you that my pillow talks to me might make you want to stop reading right now, but press on…you may discover that your pillow talks, too.

When I lay down at night, the house is quiet, but my mind is racing.  And with a racing mind, my pillow whispers thoughts of how my day went.  Sometimes, it shares its thoughts on the joys I experienced.  More often, though, it shares with me regrets over my choice of words with my daughter…my tone with my son… missed opportunities.

And there’s often a theme.  Like a recurring nightmare, sin themes occupy my one-way conversations with my pillow.  Choices that repeat themselves…they mark my parenting.  Can you relate to sin themes?  Is yours in the front of your mind right now as you read?  Good…because we’re declaring it Enemy Number One this year!  And it is time for that pesky adversary to die once and for all!

Maybe its anger or passivity.  Maybe you’re too demanding of your children, or too slothful.  Maybe you don’t consider your children’s opinions or feelings…maybe you consider them so much you desire for them to like you more than you desire to lead them.  Maybe it’s one of another hundred other options.  Whatever it is, consider taking these steps in 2009.

- Call it out to the school yard for a fight.  In other words, let the world know that you’re fighting it…invite friends to circle around you as you fight it.  Let them know what the issue is, when it usually peeks its ugly head, and specifically how you sin when it does.  Don’t keep it a secret or whisper nasty things about it.  Open your lungs and declare war on it.

- Tell your children about the war.  Even if they’re little, your children are probably familiar with this area of sin in your life.  They know when it is being poured out on them…they can serve as early detectors of it.  Help them do it, too.  Confronting a parent on their sin can be a scary thing.  So, provide them with “safe” words to highlight your sin.  Mutually agreed upon words outside of conflict can be a great tool in the midst of conflict.

- Run a recon mission regularly.  Check with those around you to see how the war is going.  And fight the stealthy enemy of self-defense.  Don’t excuse or explain away their observations…embrace them and make tactical adjustments according to the input you receive.

- Show no mercy! Your Enemy Number One will have no mercy on you…it seeks to destroy you.  So, have no mercy on it.  When it is down and groggy from the last strike, deal it a death blow. When it pleads for mercy, grant it none.

Like a good soldier fighting a good fight, when you go to sleep at night your pillow will whisper a job well done to you.  And when you’re done and victorious listen again to your pillow.  It may be letting you know what Enemy Number One for 2010 is going to be.

Posted By Rob Flood

I don’t know about your home, but Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year for us.  It’s the most wonderful time for family and fun.  It’s the most wonderful time for temptation and sin.  So, maybe “the most wonderful time” is not the right title.  Maybe “it was the best of times…it was the worst of times” fits better.

I find that going into something with our eyes wide open can help contribute to its success.  And having some tools when you see it helps even more.  So, to that end, here’s 5 tips that you may find useful.  (If not, send us some of your own so I can be more helpful next year.)

1. Your children’s sin patterns will be enhanced this Yuletide:  With presents tempting their selfishness, extended family members discouraging discipline, and the inevitable loss of sleep that comes from travelling about, sin will most likely abound.  Expect it.  Don’t be surprised by it.  Respond out of intention and not out of reaction.

2. Give everyone an empty trash bag:  There is something about clutter that makes parenting harder.  And Christmas provides its fair share of clutter with wrapping paper, empty boxes, etc.  So, spread around the responsibility for trash removal.  And keep extra bags handy, because my non-scientific research reveals that December 27^th or so, a second echelon of trash makes its move on the family room.

3. Continue (or Begin) the annual December 26^th Sleep-in Celebration:  No earthly medicine is as effective as the medicine of rest.  And, after a day filled with enhanced sin patters and boundless clutter, a good and long night’s sleep will serve the whole family.  Or, you could consider a close cousin of this tradition…the annual December 26^th mandatory nap day.  That is one of my favorites.

4. Consider creating teaching episodes rather than preaching a Christmas message: “Keeping Christ in Christmas” is far from a novel idea.  But most children, regardless of age, have exciting things on their mind each Christmas.  Much of the time, they are happy to give you their attention and their heart for a reading out of Luke or a Christmas lesson…but have mercy and keep it short.  Create a couple of times throughout the day where you gather again for the next installment.  But don’t teach them in a 90 minute lesson what could be taught in four “10 minute” installments.

5. Toy dump before…or at least after: Many families in America have more toys than we know what to do with.  Consider creating some room for new things by selecting a good number of old things that have to go.  You could donate them to less fortunate families or non-profit organizations.  Or, you could store them in a corner of your attic or garage until June/July.  Pulling out old toys and storing other ones makes it like Christmas all over again in the summer.

There are hundreds more tips/insights that could be shared and many may be better than the 5 that I did share.  The bottom line, though, is that parenting during the holidays provides us with great family memories…and some that are not so great.  It gives us the best of times and the worst of times.  Being prepared for the temptation might just afford you a year of Christmas lived in the best of times.  That would be parenting success.

Posted By: Rob Flood

I know our church has its share of hunters, but deer tend to be the normal fare.  Elephant hunters?  I’m not sure we have them.  So, in our unified ignorance, the title question could present us with many options.  Yet, in all, there is one common theme.  Regardless of how you decide to eat an elephant, you’ll end up eating it one bite at a time.

Lest your memory be poor, let me remind you…elephants are big.  And eating an elephant would take a long time.  Taking a look at the size of the meal before you would discourage even the heartiest appetite.  But if you’ve been charged with eating one, one bite at a time is the only way to go.

As we look at our task of parenting, we can too often be overwhelmed with the meal before us.  It presents us with a seemingly insurmountable task.  We look at our 6 year old and wonder how he’ll ever get married.  We look at our 11 year old and don’t know which of her sin patterns to address first.  We look at our 16 year old and wonder who dropped the 32 year old in her skin.  And, as a result, we’re overwhelmed.

Remember…one bite at a time.

If we try to address every issue our children have, we’ll spend all our waking hours in correction or some sort of “life-shaping” discussion with them.  If we dwell on all there is to do and the limited resources we have to do it, the sheer weight of the task will crush our fragile hearts.

Step back and remind yourself…one bite at a time.

Maybe an external example would help.  Take yourself for example.

You were a sinner, far from God.  When God redeemed you, He got the whole package, sin patterns and all.  When He began convicting you of sin, did He attack all of your sin at once?  Did He demand that you deal with every imperfection, flaw, and wart on your soul?  Clearly, the answer is no.

He approached your soul one bite at a time.  A little bit of truth…a little bit of application…a little bit of encouragement.  Then He moved on to another bit of truth…another bit of application…another bit of encouragement.  He demonstrated patience with you…and He still does.  He’s not in a rush to swallow the elephant whole…He moves one bite at a time.

How would the parenting task change in your home if you stopped trying to swallow the whole elephant?  How would that affect your joy?  …your encouragement?  …your conversation?

“Whole-Elephant” parenting does nothing but give both the parents and the children a belly ache.  No one can swallow a meal like that.  Put on patience…put on a long view of the parenting task.  And follow the example of your loving heavenly Father and approach it one bite at a time.  That is how you eat an elephant.

Posted by: Rob Flood

Children are a gift.

This is not an opinion.  Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like a reality.  But it is truth.  God says so and that settles it.

Hopefully, many of you can list a great number of personal and specific examples of ways that your children are gifts.  But there is one that we can often overlook.  So, for all your parents reading this, let’s reminisce a bit.

Think back to the birth of your children. I know for me, with each of them, there was this amazing, meaningful, pregnant moment when the momentum of labor and delivery all stood still.  It happened once each of my children were wrapped up and lying under the French fry warmer.

What was it that filled that moment?  What caused my heart to stand still and my eyes to fill with soggy wonder…every time?  It was a touch of eternity.

There is something profound about witnessing the birth of a part of you that will, in most cases, carry you beyond your lifetime.  There is something “extending” about the birth of a child.  There is an awareness of our smallness…of a generation that will live beyond us.  In the birth of our children, our minds and our hearts are stretched beyond the span of our years and we understand our finitude…and that God’s gift of children stretches it beyond us.

Yet, even our “stretched out” finitude is finite.  And our children, should they outlive us, will still come face to face with their finitude.  And so will their children, in the same way our parents did and we are currently.  Though having children stretches it a bit, we’re still left in the same reality as the previous generation…and the next.  We’re finite.

But we serve an infinite God.  The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is the God of Mark, Andy and Rob.  The God of David of Bethlehem is the God of David of West Chester.  He hasn’t changed and He is no closer to His end than He was when He created the world.

As parents of children that hold the potential to stretch our finitude into the next couple generations, we have a choice to make.  Will we train our children to stretch our finitude or to proclaim God’s infinity?  Will we raise them to proclaim our legacy or God’s?  Will they be better known as sons and daughters of Rob or sons and daughters of God?

Children are a gift.  And we will send that gift on as a time capsule to the future.  When the future opens it, will it find artifacts of a time gone by or will it find the living Word within them?

That all depends.  Will we commit to stretch our finitude?  Or will we commit to God’s infinity?  I suggest this: that we as a church send our children into the future beyond us firmly committed to God’s infinity.  That we set aside our aspirations for a personal legacy and entrust it to God.  That our thoughts of what our children say about us be traded in for thoughts of what our children say about God.  That God’s infinity become a preoccupying parental thought each day.  We will have all of eternity to enjoy the fruit of such a commitment.

Posted By: Marty Machowski

Editor’s Note: On November 9^th, Marty Machowski preached a message called “Distinct Parenting” at Sovereign Grace Church in Middletown, Delaware.  The entire message can be found here.  An encouraging and instructive excerpt is below.  As you read, notice the Spirit of God at work in your heart in both conviction and encouragement.  Every parent ought to experience both.

Deut 6:5 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart."

This is both the most sobering and comforting of any parent teaching you will ever get.  If you get this one point right, you can fail in the rest of your parenting and your children will have all that they need.  That is how critical this is.  The reason why is because if your relationship with the Lord is vibrant and strong, you've got the Spirit of God to convict you in all the other areas.  None of us are perfect.  And it's actually those imperfections, if directed under the gaze of the Gospel and repentance that are our best tutors for our children.  So often we can find ourselves thinking things like:  "I just want to do really good at raising my children, but I haven't always done a great job spending a lot of time with them.  Or I want to read to my children, but I haven't always done that well either.  Or I just was a lousy teacher when I homeschooled my kids—or I never went over their homework."  We can think things like, "I've broken a lot of promises." 

Our mistakes are opportunities.  If we love the Lord, our successes in life and in parenting will tell our children "God's grace is sufficient." If we love the Lord in front of them, all of our successes will be translated into "Do you understand?  I have this because God has given it to me.  My success is not of my own strength.  It is the grace of God.  And that communicates to our children, "Christianity works!"  But if I love the Lord and I fail, well then I confess my sin and I receive forgiveness.  And so for example, if I sin against my wife and out of my love for the Lord I restore quickly my relationship with her, I am a failure as a husband in that moment when I sinned, but my children don't see failure, they see hope.  We must remember, if we love the Lord, our successes communicate the grace of God; and our failures communicate the grace of God.  And so if you get this point right--if this is the only point you get right in your parenting, get this right. 

Our indifference to God is the only killer. If we fail to be stirred up toward godliness and to pursuing God, what testimony do we have to pass along?  If we are indifferent to sin and we fail to repent and confess, we have no credibility in the eyes of our children.  They see us as hypocrites.  Hypocrites are not ones who say one thing and do another if when they do the other, they realize that they are wrong and confess that they strayed.  That's not a hypocrite.  A hypocrite is to say one thing, do another and be indifferent to care.

Posted by: Andy Farmer

Last Saturday Rob spoke from 1 John 4:7-12 on the essentiality of love as the mark of our assurance. In our Extra Point to parents, we talked about how parents can apply the call of love to parenting teens.

What makes it difficult to love our teens? Perhaps we are approaching the task as if we need some special grace that hasn’t already come to us in Christ. It’s like it somehow takes a new dimension of love to just endure the teen years. But John helps us to see that we love because he first loved us. In other words, love isn’t dispensed to us based on our situational need. God is love; to have him is to have love in its fullness – all the time.

Perhaps one way we can keep ‘love for my teens’ out of the realm of the exceptional is to see how similar it is to the other most significant, and often most challenging context we have – love for our spouse. Consider:

1. In marriage and in raising teens we tend to compare our experience with an idealized or romanticized assumption of what we should expect.

• Where do we get our ideals of marriage and family from? From comparison with somebody else? With some cultural standard? With how we grew up?
• Do you have a clear sense of biblical vision for your family that evaluates every other ideal that finds its way into the family?

2. In marriage and in parenting teens we tend to focus on feeling loved, not on loving others.

• Teenage immaturity involves the idea that what I feel and what I think are so overlapping as to be indistinguishable. As parents, we are mature; we should not be that way. We should battle our tendency to let feelings drive our parenting by obedience to God’s word.
• You can tell how much feelings drive our definition of love by we deal with conflict. If we truly love, we will do the hard work of peacemaking.

3. In marriage and in parenting teens we can assume that trust and respect are necessary for love. We can withdraw affection if we don’t receive respect, or if we don’t think we can trust our teens.

• In reality respect and trust are fruits of love, not foundations for it. Untrustworthiness and disrespectfulness are sins of character before they are sins of relationship. Love means we will address disrespect and untrustworthiness because they are sins against God and will produce bad fruit in our teen’s life. But love will not demand them – love seeks not its own.
• What would your relationship with your teen look like if you didn’t demand respect and trustworthiness as essential for your relationship?

4. In marriage and in parenting teens, bad past experiences can lead to judgments that define our relationship.

• Adults change very slowly, but teens are changing very fast. If we allow bad experiences of even a few weeks ago to shape our present relationship we will never keep up with what is going on in our teens. Rather than assume that our teen’s bad attitude right now is what will define them, why not address it as something that God is at work changing in them.
• What would happen if you interacted with your teen as if mercies were new every morning for them, not just for you?

Bottom line – Loving our teens should be familiar to us because it takes the same grace to love them as it takes to love anyone else.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. (1 John 4:7)

Expressing our love for our husbands and children in tangible ways leaves tangible fingerprints of our love on their hearts. It strengthens our family ties and builds a storehouse of precious memories of just how much mom loves them!

By Marty Machowski

The cost of discipling your growing children can be staggering especially if you have six! Breakfast with your teenage son - $18 - remember how much he eats! Even if you drop down to McDonalds, doing that once a month will cost you $120 a year. Multiply that by four, (I have four older children) and you are spending $480 on breakfast discipleship meetings. Add in four “getaways” with your daughters per year. With four daughters, that adds another $320. Then, with mom spending some time with the boys, again that will likely involve food and before you know it your breaching $1000 a year!

About a year ago Lois and I decided to increase the amount of time we spent training our children one on one. As we talked about all the different meetings we thought would be helpful my budget calculator began to churn out the above numbers. I knew the cost of going out was too high yet the privacy and atmosphere of a restaurant table seemed to aid us in our discussions and take us away from the day to day distractions of our home.

What we needed, I thought, was a restaurant table in our home! Yes, that was it, we would put a restaurant table in our house! But the location would need to be private, quiet, and special. After some discussion Lois and I decided to put a table in our bedroom. How’s that work?


First, I had to say goodbye to my big wooden desk. Then, to make this whole project affordable, I searched eBay and found a used kitchen table and chairs for about $100 dollars. I repainted the corner of the room and, instantly, our in-house restaurant booth was born.

Since our children are not normally in our room, meeting there seems different and special to them. We chose a western theme for the area and began taking turns with the children on dates, looking for items to decorate our special place. Since we got our decorations and the table from eBay, we decided to name our in home restaurant the eBay Café. Lois and I have breakfasts with the children there. We have special evening dates with them.

We still have the option of taking our children out. But the pursuit of regular discipleship of our kids is no longer hindered by the cost of the restaurant tab.

 

By Cindy Campbell

Editor's note: The following is a blog post that Cindy passed on written by Sheree Phillips that is from the Metro Life Church blog MetroMoms. It is a bit longer than usual, but worth the read. As Cindy says, “May this blog provoke all of us as Mom's to remember that our lives have been purchased by the Savior and that we have no claim to any our 24/7 - no matter what season of mothering we live in.”

Last Sunday night I spent the evening with my married girls. We included Lauren this time, since she will marry our Joey in a few short weeks. The purpose of the evening was to discuss a wonderful sermon by pastor and author J.R. Miller called, “The Christian Wife.” Although he died in the early 1900’s and the standards and vocabulary can seem a little out of date to today’s sophisticated Christian woman, the truths are timeless, inspiring and convicting. (If you want to get a copy of the sermon follow the link to the MetroMoms blog)

Preparing for this time together with a married daughter, two daughters-in-law, and a future daughter-in-law caused me once again to realize I’m on the back nine. But my heart and desire as a mother remains the same as when my approaching 30 daughter was the age of your little ones. Back then I wanted her to love being a girl. Love God’s wise and loving design in making her distinctly female, with all the responsibilities and privileges that entails. She was surrounded by brothers (until God mercifully gave her sisters some years later) and although she enjoyed playing with match box cars and didn’t mind getting dirty while playing outside, she was all girl.

I wanted her to grow up to embrace godly womanhood. To resist cultural pulls to feminism and resenting her created design to be a suitable helper to a husband and a godly mother to children, should the Lord give them to her. I wanted to do my best to equip her to be an effective home manager.

By God’s grace, Jaime loves being a mom. And now she longs for the same things for Kayla, Annie and Danae that I prayed would be her heart’s desire.

But she still needs the help, encouragement, correction and Titus 2 mentoring of others. At 3 she needed my help to learn to make her bed. At 7 we “used” her baby sister to teach her to bathe, burp and comfort a newborn. At 10 she needed help to understand why lying about cheating on her home school work was a reflection of her sinful jealousy over having to work harder on math than her older brother. At 15 it took time and long talks to help her understand why it was important to be honest with her temptations and sins, even when she was embarrassed. And at 18 she needed help to deal again with those same issues, especially when her lack of humility resulted in needing to apply the gospel when unmortified sin made life rough. (As it does with all of us!)

What am I feeling? I guess I want you to know that what you are doing with your life isn’t just for “this season.” Do you think that once the kids go to school or learn to drive you will have more time for yourself? Do you dream of the days when they will actually respond to your training and stop interrupting, making messes and learn first-time obedience? Realize that laying down your life for your children is a lifetime commitment. The break our culture and our sinful hearts long for will only happen if we give in to the myth of midlife selfishness.

Yes, there are days when I can lounge in the pool for 45 minutes uninterrupted, spend some extra time at lunch with a friend or have a leisurely devotional time without wondering what’s going on in the family room. But according to scripture, my life is not any more my own than yours is. I don’t wake up to nurse babies anymore. I just have trouble falling and staying asleep because I had iced tea with dinner or my hormones are wacky. I don’t get anxious about high fevers or whether I’m doing an adequate job teaching a first grader to read. I battle fearful concerns about whether my kids are adequately battling the worldliness or lust or self-righteousness or discontent that can lead to serious consequences in marriages and families.

I’m here to say that motherhood is a life calling. My role has certainly changed over the decades. What my life looks like is different in many ways. But I remain constrained by the gospel to continue giving my life away to my kids. When the Savior bought me with the price of His sinless blood on the cross, He laid rightful claim to every moment of every day of my life through eternity.

So if you’re waiting for the day when you can “get your life back” (as I recently read one author say about midlife when the kids are grown) please stop. Most of the same sins I battled when I was your age I’m still battling. And the same need I had for God’s strength to give my life away 24/7 then remains my need today.

In fact, it’s time to close this lengthy post. I have wedding rehearsal dinner invitations to address, a youth meeting to attend with 2 of my kids, clothes to move to the dryer, and a son who’s been gone for a week to pick up at the airport.

Lord, thank you for calling me to a life of devotion to others, especially my family. Give me strength to persevere in my battle against the sin that easily lures me to love myself more than I love them. Pour out Your grace on the young moms who are reading this post today. Give them a long term vision for their mothering and protect them from worldly thoughts of getting their lives back. Their lives, and mine, were purchased by you. How foolish to ever want they back!